October 12, 2009
News From the Future
Kang Wins 2016 Nobel Peace Prize
The Nobel Prize committee today announced a surprising winner for the 2016 Nobel Peace prize: Alien Overlord Kang, who narrowly defeated her rival Kodos in the heated election for Dictator of Earth last year. The vote, which was decided by a coin toss after the two tied with a single ballot cast for each of them, had roiled the attention of the few remaining humans who have not yet been burned for fuel or eaten.
From the smoking ruins of their Norwegian hideout, the committee said that the election of Kang might signal "a new era of peace and understanding between our alien overlords and those few scattered barbaric tribes of humans who still wander in this smoking desolation. Except in Australia, which was completely destroyed in 2014."
During the campaign, the media became utterly enchanted with Kang's soaring rhetoric of "enslave, not destroy" and her supporters often chanted "yes we cannibal!" at election rallies shortly before Kang's security robots incinerated them.
In some ways the prize is seen as a referendum on Kodos himself, whose rule has been a despotic horror never before witnessed in the annals of history. His tyranny led to the death of four billion humans, the destruction of every major city center, and a revival of disco music for which he can never be forgiven.
Kodos was named as "Vice Dictator of Human Dispensation" by the incoming administration, but Kang has pledged that his depredations will be scaled back gradually over the coming centuries.
For now, though, Kang's actions have yet to match her promises. The death machines still roll unfettered across the plains, gathering up people to use as fuel or forcing them to battle mutated animals for the aliens' perverse pleasure. She has also reneged on her promise to shut down Harvard Law, that bastion of pestilence that has been spewing forth zombie lawyers to bedevil humankind for centuries.
She has, however, written her third autobiography, Soon Into My Slavering Jaws, which went to #1 on the New York Times bestsellers list shortly before the entire paper was destroyed for daring to criticize her gown during the inauguration.
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The Nobel Prize committee today announced a surprising winner for the 2016 Nobel Peace prize: Alien Overlord Kang, who narrowly defeated her rival Kodos in the heated election for Dictator of Earth last year. The vote, which was decided by a coin toss after the two tied with a single ballot cast for each of them, had roiled the attention of the few remaining humans who have not yet been burned for fuel or eaten.
From the smoking ruins of their Norwegian hideout, the committee said that the election of Kang might signal "a new era of peace and understanding between our alien overlords and those few scattered barbaric tribes of humans who still wander in this smoking desolation. Except in Australia, which was completely destroyed in 2014."
During the campaign, the media became utterly enchanted with Kang's soaring rhetoric of "enslave, not destroy" and her supporters often chanted "yes we cannibal!" at election rallies shortly before Kang's security robots incinerated them.
In some ways the prize is seen as a referendum on Kodos himself, whose rule has been a despotic horror never before witnessed in the annals of history. His tyranny led to the death of four billion humans, the destruction of every major city center, and a revival of disco music for which he can never be forgiven.
Kodos was named as "Vice Dictator of Human Dispensation" by the incoming administration, but Kang has pledged that his depredations will be scaled back gradually over the coming centuries.
For now, though, Kang's actions have yet to match her promises. The death machines still roll unfettered across the plains, gathering up people to use as fuel or forcing them to battle mutated animals for the aliens' perverse pleasure. She has also reneged on her promise to shut down Harvard Law, that bastion of pestilence that has been spewing forth zombie lawyers to bedevil humankind for centuries.
She has, however, written her third autobiography, Soon Into My Slavering Jaws, which went to #1 on the New York Times bestsellers list shortly before the entire paper was destroyed for daring to criticize her gown during the inauguration.
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