June 20, 2009

Last Minute Father's Day Gift Guide for Wives

As all of you probably know, Father's day is tomorrow.  And if you're like most wives, you're probably not sure what to get your husbands, who spend 364 days of the year working and slaving away to help make life better for you and the children.
 
Thankfully, I'm here to help you with your gift guide.  Even better, these are all low-cost ideas, because men don't really care how much you spend.  It's the thought that counts.
 
And I thought about this list for at least ten minutes.
 
Bikini Lawn Mowing:  It's not about getting the grass the right length, or giving him time out of the hot sun.  It's an opportunity for him to enjoy watching you jiggle and sweat out in the yard, and perhaps even shatter the mower on a hidden stump, allowing him to upgrade to some kind of laser-guided robot lawn mower.  And that's good for everybody. 
 
The Sound of Silence:  For some fathers, the best gift on father's day is not to be pestered by their hideous spawn (you know who you are).  If your husband is one of these, do him the great favor of taking the spawn away for the day and giving him the sound of silence.  Leave behind a 6-pack for him and you'll probably find that he's bought you flowers and bragged to his friends he has the best wife ever!
 
Bikini Vacuuming:  Why not turn down the thermostat, put on a bikini, and clean up a little bit while he enjoys a beer and the ball game?  He'll be glad you did!  He won't even care if the vacuum ends up destroyed and you have to get one of those self-guided Roomba vacuums that will eventually come to life and suck your eyeballs out while you sleep.
 
Pull Their Finger:  There is no prouder moment in a father's life than when his children master the old "pull my finger" gag.  So why don't you spend a few hours training the kids so that their old man can be proud the next time they disrupt a family gathering, school event or worship service?
 
Bikini Budgeting:  Whether you use a pencil and paper, a spreadsheet, or an abacus, he's bound not to complain about income and expenses if you're telling him about them while wearing a bikini.  By the time you're done with your fiduciary duties, he won't care if you upgrade your accounting system to a spandex-clad accountant straight off the cover of a Harlequin romance book.
 
Verbal Negotiations with his Silent Partner (IYKWIMAITTYD):  This classic standby doesn't say "I ran out of ideas."  It says "you're the luckiest husband in the neighborhood."
 
Bikini Car Wash:  Ladies, there's a reason that the local Junior College soccer team buys new uniforms every year and averages six fans a game.  This is that reason, and there's no reason that you can't replicate their success in the privacy of your own garage or carport.
 
Fake Divorce Papers:  Let's say that you spend every waking moment making your spouse miserable on purpose, and that you cheat on him at every turn.  Why not give him a temporary boost by "filing for divorce" on Father's day?  That way he gets the euphoria of being rid of you, followed by the soul-crushing realization that it was only in his mind.  It's like castrating Walter Mitty!
(Note: if he decides carpe diem and leaves you the next day, don't come crying to me)
 
Bikini Anything Else:  It turns out that anything is better if you add "bikini" to it.  So just put one on, do something, then yell "Happy Father's Day!"  Trust me: it'll work, and he'll appreciate it a lot more than a new ratchet set or tie.  Don't own a bikini?  You can easily replace "Bikini" with either "Lingerie" or "Wet T-Shirt" and achieve exactly the same results!

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