June 19, 2008

Invisible Hand Warns on Nationalization

At a press conference in Caracas, the Invisible Hand told reporters that it is “more than capable” of destroying the US economy should Democrats proceed with widespread nationalization of health care and energy services.

 

“This isn’t a Baghdad Bob warning, either”, the Hand said.  “It might look like I’ve got my hands full wrecking Venezuela and scattering the ashes of the Zimbabwe economy, but trust me on this: I can come bitch-slap any country anywhere that decides to nationalize key industries.  Adam Smith said Invisible Hand, but it’s more like an army of Invisible Hecatonchires.”

 

It added “if you don’t know what that means, look it up, and next time get an education in the classics, dumbass.”

 

[Editor: the hecatonchires were hundred-handed giants in Greek Myth]

 

Economists said that Congress would be wise to listen to the Invisible Hand.  “He’s got hundreds of years of experience throttling economies around the globe,” said one.  “Of course he knows what he’s capable of.  And the Invisible Hand never makes threats, he just does stuff.  Like drive the price of oil up when there’s more demand than supply.”

 

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said that the Hand’s warnings amounted to “economic terrorism” and said she was not afraid of it.  “We will stand against this tyrant, face him down, and let him know that even though every other country that nationalizes private industry fails, we will succeed!”

 

When told of the Hand’s comments, Barack Obama said that he was willing to meet with the Hand “without preconditions or prejudice” to find an accommodation.

 

A spokesman later said that Obama had misunderstood a “code word” of economics, and had meant to say “I will continue the policies of the past administration that you thought were good and change everything you thought was bad.”

 

No comment was available from John McCain, probably because he was thinking about starting another war.

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