Only the highly-connected Internet resources of DPUD could bring you this: a transcript of the top-secret planning meeting of the Legion of Democrats as they try to figure out who would make the optimum sidekick for Barack Obama, AKA Captain Bullshit.
 
The transcript is below the fold..

 

 

Captain Bullshit:  All right everybody, come to order.  We need to figure out who the absolute best sidekick is for me.  Remember the rules of sidekicks:  should not upstage the main hero, need to have a complementary color scheme to their costume, and should require lots of rescuing and be easily kidnapped.  Let me hear your ideas.
 
Hair Kid:  I’d like to say before we begin that I want everybody to remember that my wife has cancer.  By the way, have you guys met my new sidekick, Dizzy Girl?
 
Dizzy Girl:  Tee-hee!
 
Captain Bullshit:  Forget about it, Hair Kid.  I don’t even know what your power is.
 
Hair Kid:  I have the power of ultimate sympathy.  Did I mention my wife has cancer?
 
Dizzy Girl:  Ooops!  I dropped my pencil just as my bra burst open.  Tee-hee!
 
Hair Kid:  That’s the stuff, baby!
 
Long-Face Man:  Forget about him, Captain Bullshit!  Pick me!  I almost won in 2004, even though Hair Kid held back his full power of having a cancerous wife!
 
Craven:  No!  Only I have won the presidency since Super Kennedy!  And I’d have won a second term, too, if it hadn’t been for the traitorous, ape-descended Jews.
 
Captain Bullshit:  That is a compelling argument, except for He Who Shall Not Be Named that won two terms in the nineties.
 
Turtle Boy:  Gasp!  You can’t be thinking of an alliance with Kaklor, the White Queen, can you?
 
Captain Bullshit:  Of course not!  But I did agree to give her lots of speaking time at the convention, as well as her own crack assault team to control the floor vote, and the right to directly address superdelegates in smoke-darkened rooms surrounded by her goons just before the convention.  It’s purely a formality, though.
 
SIEB-1, the Robotic Senator:  Danger, danger, Obama!  Does not compute!  Danger!
 
Turtle Boy:  I don’t think that’s a good idea, Captain.
 
Captain Bullshit:  Silence, Turtle Boy!  Who put you in charge?
 
Turtle Boy:  Well, I am in charge of the DNC…
 
Captain Bullshit:  So?  I’m riding the wave of out-of-control popularity that only the netroots can provide.  And that’s like wind-surfing on a hurricane: unstoppable.
 
Turtle Boy:  Yeah, ask Warmonger Kid how well netroots support turned out when he fought Vapid Man a couple of years ago.
 
Craven:  You know how he beat Vapid Man?  He used his Judaic mind-power.  I wish you guys would listen to me about this.  The Jews are responsible for the financial market meltdown!  They must be punished!  They’re not even two thirds of a person!
 
Captain Bullshit:  Enough!  Either throw out some useful names or shut up, Craven!
 
SIEB-1:  What about The Bloviator?
 
Captain Bullshit:  No way.  He’s too closely allied with He Who Shall Not Be Named.  Besides, with all the award money he’s pulling down, I doubt he’s interested in being my sidekick.
 
Long-Face Man:  You know who you should nominate?  By-Den.  He’s got superhuman powers.
 
Turtle Boy:  Really?  What are they?
 
Long-Face Man:  Did you know he can run for president over and over again without anybody noticing?
 
Captain Bullshit:  That’s impressive.  I didn’t even want to run for president but had people begging me.  What else?
 
Long-Face Man:  And he can, uh, make inappropriate comments about major primary contenders.  And he has spectacularly bad judgment.  And people don’t like him.  And he has a superhuman opinion of himself.
 
Captain Bullshit:  Those are all big plusses.
 
Hair Kid:  Ooooh, yeah, baby!  Come to daddy!
 
Long-Face Man:  Plus he can cut guns in half with his mind!
 
Captain Bullshit:  Sold!  Arrange for By-Den to be my sidekick right away!

 

Turtle Boy:  Does anybody hear cackling in the distance?

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