Hollywood’s all about copying what works, and yet it still falls desperately short and produces nothing but crap. This is because Hollywood types use small words and spend their time focusing on how to score weed and tail (thought not necessarily in that order).

As a top-notch math and science guy, though, I’ve cracked the Hollywood Code. And because I am a giving person, I’m going to give you Hollywood explained by math.

Gilligan’s Island – Gilligan = Lost
Both shows use underdressed sexy women as a crutch, are set on an uncharted desert isle, never explain that fresh-from-the-shower look of their characters, and revolve around plots which make absolutely no sense. But the fat guy in one of them is funny, whereas the other one was agonizing over his socially unacceptable longing to be with Gilligan.

Beverly Hillbillies – Granny = Beverly Hills 90210
An uncultured family from the wilderness tries to make it in a shallow, selfish community filled with cement ponds, breast-enhanced starlets, and fast cars. The only difference is that the Clampetts were rich.

CSI + Adjective = Hit
If it makes you feel any better, Hollywood doesn’t understand why this works, either. Neither the hammy overacting nor the curse of David Caruso could derail this series.

MacGuyver – Fiction = Mythbusters
I mean, really, is there anything these two guys can’t do? I haven’t felt this much smarter after watching a show since, well, MacGuyver, where I learned how to repair a helicopter using nothing more than a coconut tree.

Barney + Bloody Violence = Jurassic Park
I love you, you love me, you’re a tasty appertif!

Barney + Fart Jokes = Land of the Lost (2009)
Except, of course, Will Ferrell can only hope that he could have 1/10 of the success of Grimace’s prehistoric ancestor.

Green Acres – Arnold the Pig = The Simple Life
Crass starlet gets caught in the country, offends everyone, and you hope every episode to see her untimely death in a combine. And, to be fair, you could make an argument that this one’s not right because Nicole Ritchie really served the comic relief purpose of Arnold.

Battlestar Galactica (1978 ) – Plot = Battlestar Galactica (2004)
Though to be fair, Battlestar Galactica 2004 had sexier androids. But this just doesn’t make any freaking sense.

Knight Rider – David Hasselhoff = CANCELLED
This equation pretty much writes itself. Apparently KITT wasn’t the star of this show.

I Love Lucy + Adultery = Desperate Housewives
You know why this equation doesn’t work with The Flintstones? Because that one already had the adultery.

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