More woes were reported from Denver today for the Democratic National Convention, this time from the contractor hired to assemble a “goody bag” of items to be distributed to each speaker.  The contents of the bags, personally selected by Howard Dean, were supposed to represent the Democratic Party’s values in general, and to be “a fair summary of the wild dream that is Barack Obama.”

So far the organizers have not found any of the items on the list, which includes:

Fifty Tons of CO2 Credits:  While these were easily found available from the AFL-CIO, who sold the offsets by guaranteeing that members would work less and be more sullen, thus causing industry slowdown of equivalent carbon reductions, the price was astronomical: six hundred and seventy-three dollars per pound, or 6.7 million dollars.  Credits were also available from Al Gore’s company, but he demanded payment in cash instead of vague promises to end oversight and allow rampant corruption.

One Dodo Bird Egg:  Dean wanted to help this noble bird to flourish once again, but after bieng extinct for 400 years eggs are difficult to find.

No-Stick Frying Pan:  Perfect for making flapjacks, this nonstick-coated frying pan is able to automatically flip and flop the dough in mere seconds.  Unfortunately, the left-handed lesbian paraplegic workforce that manufactures them are nonunionized, so they do not qualify as an approved supplier for the DNC.  The substitute pan, made in Detroit from approved suppliers, stuck to everything it contacted and exploded when exposed to heat.

The Party Unity Puzzle:  This ten-piece jigsaw puzzle of a photo of Obama and Clinton embracing had to be discarded after it was revealed that someone had doctored them to give Obama devil horns and a tail and scrawled “misogynist bastard!” at the bottom.

Change:  A bag of coins was to be included as symbolic change, but since the only coinage featuring minorities is the Sacagawea dollar the project had to be abandoned for excessive cost overruns.  That and everybody hates the Sacagawea dollar.

Hope Floats:  This inspiring tale of a small-town woman who succeeds despite disaster is the perfect symbol of the new Democratic Party, helping move the country past 8 years of Republican misrule.  Ordering it on Laserdisc to save money is also a symbol of the Democratic Party.  Dean attempted to resolve this by ordering Laserdisc players to give away as well, but the only response he received was “You’re kidding, right?"

Posted by: plebian at 12:17 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 410 words, total size 6 kb.