Dear Plebian

Dear Plebian:  I'm beginning to worry that after I've humiliated myself completely all my friends are going to desert me.  When I was first bad-mouthing my girlfriend's hot mom, they were all like "cool, dude, tell us more!" but then I ran out of stories so they're like "hey, why don't you date that d-list skank?" and now they're all excited because I'm going to pose naked, but I'm a little worried because after that there's no next step of self-humiliation.  I can't bear to lose my fake friends who are using me.  Help me out!  Signed, Ricky H.
Dear Ricky:  Don't panic.  In your position, there are three ways to continue degrading yourself beyond posing naked:  porn (preferably gay), self-inflicted sex change, and robbing a convenient store without a mask.  You can do them in any order you want, but I'd suggest the order listed above, because the first two will help you adjust to the living hell you'll be sentenced to in the third.
 
Dear Plebian:  I'm thinking about retiring right now, in the middle of my company's busy period.  Should I?  Brett
Dear Brett:  Only if you can finagle a job with a competitor to screw your current employer, which is adequate revenge for them having faith and trust in you.
 
Dear Plebian:  Obama's too awesome for us, isn't he?  Marc A
Dear Marc A:  Yes he is.  So the only right thing to do is for us to make no legal changes, but simply bask in his magnificence for the next three years.
 
Dear Plebian:  I'm worried about how to top my latest legislative achievement, a sweeping health-care reform that will remake the compact between citizen and government and pave the way for a new understanding of the way that the American experience can be carried out.  What controversial topic should I take on next?  Climate change?  Union expansion?  Foreign policy?  I really need to know.  Nancy P.
Dear Nancy:  You send one dead letter to the Senate and all the sudden you're full of yourself?
 
Dear Plebian:  Is the large hadron collider going to kill us all?  Stephen H.
Dear Steve:  Yes.  Yes it is.
 
Dear Plebian:  I'm taking a lot of heat for my response to some recent unpleasantness, but I think it's way off-base.  My handlers and advisers tell me that I need to get in touch with the youth, since polls indicate they didn't show up at midterms.  They also tell me that I should show more fire to get the base out, also a problem.  So I tried, and now everybody's mad at me for picking the wrong time to do it.  My question is: are the American people retarded or what?  BO
Dear BO:  I think what you need to remember is that consultants are guys who get paid to tell you what you want to hear.  Critics are guys who bitch about what you do wrong.  You need to mix advice from both to get something useful.
 
Dear Plebian:  I feel like everyone has forgotten me.  Nobody loves me.  I'm stuck without any friends, and nobody wants to play ball with me any more, and I can't catch touchdowns, and I spent all day yesterday doing sit-ups in my driveway in my underwear and nobody came to watch.  What can I do?  TO
Dear TO:  Hope for reincarnation and try not to be such an asshole next time.
 
Dear Plebian:  Re: my earlier letter, forget it.  I'm gonna stick it out.  Brett.
Dear Brett:  Well, okay then.  Glad to hear it.
 
Dear Plebian:  Did you know you can buy Ugg boots for cheap?  It's true.  Just click on my website.  UGG
Dear UGG:  If I ever find you, I will kill you with my bare hands.  You know that, right?
 
Dear Plebian:  What's the big deal with consistency, anyways?  I should be able to adopt any stance I want, call it conservative, and have it be the road map for all other conservatives!  Am I right?  Huh?  Huh?  Andrew
Dear Andrew:  There's an old adage that if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it's probably a duck.  So based upon a perusal of your website, I'd guess that you're either a gynecologist, twelve, or mentally ill.
 
Dear Plebian:  Everybody's complaining about us spending all our grandchildren's money.  But who is it that buys them toys and takes them horseback riding and will spend quality time with them when their mommy and daddy are working four jobs just to make ends meet?  It's us grandparents, that's who.  So is a new hip and free Viagra too much to ask from the greedy little bastards?  Singed, Aarp
Dear Aarp:  Just remember that someday our dream will come true and we'll start vaporizing you tired old fossils Logan's Run style.
 
Dear Plebian:  I'm done.  Really.  It's time for this tired old man to hang it up.  I'm retiring.  Just ignore my earlier letter.  Brett
Dear Brett:  You might benefit from similar advice that I gave to a young Ricky H. earlier…

Posted by: plebian at 12:29 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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