Since the presidential race has now become one between Democratic nominee Barack Obama and Republican vice-presidential nominee Sarah Palin, I thought it might be illuminating to give voters a guide to the differences between the two candidates.
 
It goes without saying that the other two candidates (McCain and Biden) are essentially the same, except for one of them is an irascible iconoclast who frequently says and does things that shock his party establishment, and the other one also has hair plugs.
 
Difference #1:  Family Relations
Sarah Palin was on stage during the convention with her family.  Obama was an absentee father, speaking to his family via videolink, and was still caught lying about where he was by his oldest.
Advantage:  Obama, because children need to be taught from an early age that you can't trust politicians.
 
Difference #2:  Family Values
Obama follows the classic parental "do as I say not as I do" approach of smoking out of view.  Palin lives out her pro-life values so convincingly that even her daughter got caught up with baby fever.
Advantage:  Obama, because smoking makes you look cool, while kids should wait until marriage before engaging in wanton carnality.
 
Difference #3:  Gender Relations
Palin has left the wreckage of several men's political careers in her wake.  Obama has a knack for knocking off women's political aspirations.
Advantage:  Obama, because everybody knows that it's a lot harder for a man to beat a woman in an election than vice-versa.
 
Difference #4:  The Value of Life
While Palin apparently stalks and kills living creatures on a regular basis, Obama prefers to let others do his dirty work for him.
Advantage:  Obama, because killing things should be left to professionals.
 
Difference #5:  Attendance
Palin once up and quit a job without any warning at all over a perceived slight, but you can always count on Obama to be 'Present.'
Advantage:  Obama, because I want to know that my duly appointed representative is present and accounted for.
 
Difference #6:  Set Design
Obama likes the faux Greek look.  Palin, not so much.
Advantage:  Obama.  If it was good enough for Aeschylus, then it's good enough for me.
 
Difference #7:  Travel Style
Palin sold her governor's jet on E-Bay.  Obama had his worked up with a mock presidential seal.
Advantage:  Obama, because what fool gives up a private plane?
 
Difference #8:  Acquaintances
Obama surrounds himself with wholesome friends, like ministers and English teachers and land speculators.  Palin likes to consort with lowlife Eskimos, oil company executives, and shady foreign agents.
Advantage:  Obama, because I'm sure that Palin's cohorts are planning on some kind of reconquista, while Obama's friends would never do such a thing.
 
Difference #9:  Energy Policy
Palin knows exactly where in the Alaskan slope to drill for oil.  Obama has at least seven or eight whole new states to explore for energy.
Advantage:  Obama.  Who knows what kind of mineral resources those other states might hold?  Maybe there's a candy tree or a whiskey river there, too!
 
Difference #10:  Responsiveness
When his wife was criticized, Obama declared her off-limits.  When her family was criticized, Palin returned fire.
Advantage:  Obama.  Remember, dialogue is better than diatribe.
 
Overall:  Obama wins, 10-0, an ultimate knockout.  I move that we proceed directly to presidency by acclimation.

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