Moron of the Day: Drunk Dodging

Seems that drunk drivers in Idaho protect their own:

The car of a Caldwell police officer, who had made a traffic stop of a possible drunk driver, was struck by a second drunk driver on Saturday.

The officer had pulled over a car driven by Valerie Hughes, 55, at Lake and Homedale roads, when a second car, driven by Mollie Rose Montana, 19, hit the officer's car. Montana drove away with a second officer in pursuit. Rose initially failed to yield to the officer, but eventually stopped at Highway 55 and S. Indiana, where she was arrested. Officers charged her with DUI, leaving the scene of a property damage accident and felony eluding.

I thought only Wisconsin had this concentration of drunks on the roads. 

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Moron of the Day: Ace Makes Hot Air Headlines

I told him to put down the bottle of Everclear:

Imagine parking up your new SUV on a nice quiet street, to pop to the shops only to come back and see a man hitting on your car.

And when we say 'hitting,' we don't mean the kind with a baseball bat.

Can't imagine it?

Well, a drunk man was caught having sex with an SUV that was parked on a main road.

The man, who has not been named, was seen with his pants down and getting it on with the front end of the Toyota 4X4.

And he went at if for a while - proving that it wasn't just a hit and run.

I hear Toyotas have sideways vaginas.

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Moron of the Day: Chevy Chase

Yes, he's still alive:

Chevy Chase said Monday he wants Tina Fey to go "even harder" on Republican vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin than she did in her "Saturday Night Live" skit this past weekend ... and that he wants Fey to "decimate" her.

"I thought it was extraordinary how well she played her and much she looked like her. I'd just like her — personally I felt we didn't need the Hillary stuff — I'd like her to go even harder," the former "SNL" star told MSNBC's "Morning Joe" show.

"I want her to decimate this woman. This woman is, I can't believe there hasn't been more about it. ... It's just unbelievable to me this woman is actually running for vice president," he continued.

He added*,

I want her to do to Palin what rampant drug abuse did to my career.  She needs to portray her as an out-of-touch, arrogant, condescending asshole that alienates all who know her so much that she experiences the true hatred and disdain I experienced at my roast. 

It needs to be made clear what a terrible person Palin is, so terrible that she doesn't have a career, friends or family at the end of a life that could only be called a terrible failure.

He then snorted coke off a hooker's ass, punched his agent in the face and called Jane Curtin a slut to the amusement of noone, as usual.

* - Well, he was thinking it.  I just can't understand how a comedian can miss the point of comedy so much as to imply it should be used to destroy another human being.  What a humorless, dour, pathetic failure of a man.  Sad.

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No Thanks, I'd Rather Wear Joe Biden's Rug

Looks as though some ladies in Britain went in to receive treatment for hair loss and received a little something extra from the doctor for their efforts.

Ms Franklin, of Windsor, Berkshire, said: 'He began to massage my shoulders and slowly his hand crept down until he had a full hold of my breast. Then he ripped off his coat and stripped naked.

'He pushed my face into his genitals and made a disgusting comment about seeking satisfaction,' she said.

'I was terrified but I knew I couldn't confront him because the door was locked, there was no one around.'

When Ms Franklin tried to escape, she said Mankoo grabbed her face and tried to drag her head down.

'There was a point where I thought he was going to strangle me because he had his hands around my throat.'

He finally let Ms Franklin go, but the ordeal was not quite over.

As she hurriedly put her clothes back and made for the exit, Mankoo asked for payment, and said she needed to be booked in for another appointment.

'I couldn't believe it, but I nonchalantly paid up as though it was the most normal thing in the world.'

Ms Franklin said when Mankoo was cautioned by police 10 years ago, she thought it would be the end of it.

'I couldn't believe it when I heard that he had continued to prey on innocent clients.

'Looking back I wish I had spoken publicly about it when it happened and maybe he could have been stopped earlier.'

The court heard that Mankoo of Thame, Berkshire, would tell women to strip to their underwear to avoid getting massage oil on their clothes.

He would then rub their scalp, neck and shoulders, and reach around to touch their breasts.

One woman told how Mankoo had removed her bra and also massaged her thighs and feet.

Keeping her eyes tightly shut during the experience, out of fear, she opened them to see Mankoo dressed only in his boxer shorts.

Another woman said he had told her that her boyfriend could not help her and that he would be her 'knight in shining armour', to whom she should look to for strength.

Mankoo asked another victim if she would like to meet his 'little friend'.

The victim told the court that she even resorted to telling Mankoo she had been sexually abused as a child to try and fend off his advances.

Yup. I would rather wear a rug or a hat than have to endure shit like that.

 

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Moron of the Day: Did Suck It

Seems mental atom-splitter Pamela Anderson isn't Governor Palin's biggest fan:

The former "Baywatch" babe was asked by an E! reporter if she she'd seen the photo of Palin, a proud hunter, with an animal fur in the background.

"I can't stand her," Anderson replied after rolling her eyes. "She can suck it!"

Oh, Pamela.  She wouldn't want to move in on your territory.  Although "it" is probably the wrong word when describing you.  After all, the cocks you have sucked are legion.  Or is that lesioned?

By the way, I would have drawn cock on her face but a) I already did that today and b) its like drawing craters on the moon. 

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Moron of the Day: Alec "Thoughtless Little Pig" Baldwin

In the world of celebrity feuds, it doesn't get much better than this:

The 30 Rock star started it all in a New Yorker profile by saying NBC head honchos pay more attention to Earl than to his series.

My Name Is Earl's creator, Greg Garcia, responded via Defamer by calling Alec a psychotic narcissist.

It gets better from there. Seriously, I can't think of a more pompous douchebag than Alec Baldwin. I'm pretty sure the mass of his ego is a greater existential threat to the Earth than the Hadron Collider.

Obligatory:

more...

Posted by: Moron Pundit at 09:54 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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Moron of the Day: Fuck Off, Elton

Elton John gets a few points for dealing with this bitch:

Elton John and Lily Allen went from co-hosts to frenemies - fast - at the GQ Men of the Year Awards.

The twosome began arguing onstage at the ceremony, held in London on Tuesday, after Allen indulged in a little too much champagne.

Allen, 23, repeatedly poured herself a glass of bubbly from a bottle she kept behind the lectern, prompting John, 61, to give her a lecture backstage between awards.

The "Smile" singer eventually began slurring, ad-libbing and swearing (dropping the F-word five times in a single sentence at one point, according to Britain's Daily Mail) when John decided he'd had enough.

"And now, the most important part of the night...," Allen began. "What? Are you going to have another drink?" John interjected.

 

"F--- off, Elton," she said. "I am 40 years younger than you and have my whole life ahead of me!"

 

The five-time Grammy Award winner reportedly appeared stunned for a moment, but quickly recovered.

"I could still snort you under the table," he sniped.

"F--- off," Allen responded. "I don't know what you are talking about."

The drunker-by-the-minute songstress later interrupted her co-host's chatter about 82-year-old Inspiration Award winner Tony Bennett by announcing, "I'll still f--- him."

Classy.  Most pathetic part?  She got that shitfaced on fucking champagne.  What a light-weight little twat.  I'm sure at this rate she'll never bridge that 40 year gap.

Posted by: Moron Pundit at 02:27 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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Moron of the Day: Blind Drunk

Not content to be notorious for binge drinking and slurred speech, the Scots found a way to up the ante:

WITH one of the highest rates of binge drinking among teenagers, Scotland already has an unenviable reputation with alcohol.

But now experts are warning about a new trend among young people that is aimed at speeding up the process of getting drunk – pouring shots of alcohol directly into their eyes.

Known as "one-in-the-eye", it involves using shot glasses in a manner similar to that of eye-wash.

Despite the risk of blindness, users hope that by absorbing the alcohol via the membranes of the eye, it will enter the bloodstream more quickly and have a stronger effect when it reaches the brain.

I'm pretty sure if I saw that in person I'd laugh hysterically thinking about this:

Once again, remember: The children are our future:

Charlotte Greene, 23, said she drank a shot of vodka through her eye.

The former Strathclyde University student said: "It's the kind of daft thing more and more students are tempted to do. You're young and you're messing around.

"I took it like an eye-wash and then just waited to see what happened.

"It was very messy, most of it ran down my face and ruined my make-up.

"But it did start to sting almost straightaway and my eye went bright red and bloodshot.

"I'm not sure how much actually went in my eye. I had quite a lot to drink already but I think it did tip me over the edge.

"My eye was red and sore until the following evening. I was a bit worried I had damaged something. So I just drank the normal way after that.

"It was all a bit silly and a bit of an experiment, but it was fun at the time."

I hope she has 500 babies.

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Moron of the Day: Intoxication is Contageous

Remember,college students are our future:

The Mankato Free Press is reporting today that police said they observed 18-year-old James Carroll and decided to give him a preliminary breath test. Carroll scored a .063 percent reading, the Free Press said.

Carroll's excuse, according to the newspaper, was, "I just made out with a drunk girl."

Was she, by chance, from St. Paul? If not, exactly how drunk was this imaginarly woman? Did she know you were making out with her?

Anyway, I hope this guy is majoring in Political Science because I think we've found his calling.

Update: The link is fucked up so you can find the story here maybe.

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Moron of the Day: Mississippi Medicaid Thief

Let's say you were someone who ran an organization and the mission of said organization is to help troubled teenagers stay out of prison. Wouldn't you think it would be particularly prudent to not, um, get arrested?

Apparently, Aaron Ray Pulsifer doesn't think it is necessary.

Authorities allege in court documents that he used the organization to aid in a nearly three-year scheme in which he illegally received more than $1.1 million in Medicaid reimbursement.

Lowndes County court documents allege Pulsifer stole the identity of a woman, identified as Teresa Hubbard, then made several false reports to the state Medicaid Department without her knowledge - claiming she had provided diagnostic and counseling services on behalf of Youth Challenge to dozens of program participants.

Pulsifer was taking the kids to prison to show them how bad life was behind bars. After all, he should know since he was a convicted felon. Way to set an example.

So when moonbats give you that lame argument that there is hardly ever any documented evidence of fraud in our entitlement programs, you can remember Aaron Ray Pulsifer, the Moron of the Day, and how he "gave back" to the community (probably on the penal farm).

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Moron of the Day: Moron Pundit

Why do I claim Moron of the Day honors again? Because I was stupid enough to drive down one of the most dangerous highways in America and not realize it. Of course, you can guess what happened.

That's right. I totalled my car in a three-car dust up on Friday afternoon just west of Route 73 on U.S. Highway 20. Initially I and my passengers were stunned and bummed by the total loss of my new car and our clear inability to continue on to our planned camping trip. After several hours of cleanup and firefighters and exchanging insurance information, the officer offered to take me and my passengers into the bustling metropolis of Lena, IL.

The entire time we were dealing with the accident, I was told repeatedly by locals that this was one of the most dangerous highways in America. On the ride into town, while giving us a tour of the three blocks that comprised Lena, I was told more than once how dangerous that corner was. After being dropped off at the local pub by the State Trooper (hey, we definitely weren't driving and could use the drink) we were famous and were barraged by condolences from people that see this all too often.

Turns out, this highway has been a known issue to the government of Illinois for 40 years and nothing has been done to improve it. How bad is it?

The growth in travel demand along existing U.S. Route 20 has increasingly affected flow, particularly during summer and fall weekends when tourists and part-time residents travel within and through the project area. Most of the existing route between Galena and Freeport does not meet IDOT’s current design standards for a rural two-lane highway. Nearly fifty percent of the route contains horizontal and/or vertical curves that do not meet IDOT’s current standards for a rural two-lane highway designed for 100 kph (60 mph). Both crash rates and crash frequencies have been consistently above statewide averages for a rural two-lane route during the past twenty years. The project as planned would address these concerns. Upon completion of the project and the Mississippi River Bridge in Dubuque/East Dubuque, U.S. Route 20 would have continuous four-lane capacity from Waterloo, Iowa to Rockford, Illinois.

Again I remind you, this has been known for 40 years (the intersection just east of where I crashed was featured on the cover of an engineering magazine back in the 60's).

Fucking bastards.  I loved that car. 

Anyway, I'm obviously a moron for not being aware of the danger I was in and taking extra precautions.  At least I was lucky enough to emerge without injury as did everyone involved.  Thank God for small miracles.

Posted by: Moron Pundit at 11:05 AM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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Morons of the Day: Spanish Basketball Federation

Someone thought this ad would fly:

The photo accompanying the ad, however — showing all team members making a slant-eyed gesture — raised eyebrows and sparked international outrage.

That someone is a moron. After all, we're all racist, gun-clinging paint-huffers.

p.s.  - Perhaps a turn of phrase involving slant-eyed gestures raising eyebrows is a bit forced?  Wait, not forced.  Retarded. 

Yup, retarded. That's what I meant. 

Posted by: Moron Pundit at 04:26 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Moron of the Day: The Liukins

I understand it may be a normal name in Russia but you really should have checked out how Nastia Liukin sounded in your newly adopted country.

Seriously?  Nastia Liukin?  Was Fugly taken?  I thought it was a joke the first thirty times I heard it.

Lucky for her, she's not.

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Moron of the Day: I'd Hammer in the Morning, I'd Hammer in the Evening

All up in my... wait, what?

While on patrol Monday evening, an Indiana cop noticed a naked guy standing in the window of a Fort Wayne home. So she approached the man's front door, which was wide open, to investigate further. It was then that Officer S. Hughes and a colleague were treated to the sight of a prone Ronald Miller, 56, engaging in a remarkably lewd act on his living room sofa.

Remarkably lewd? I doubt I'll be impressed:

I called for assistance from another on-duty unit and together Officer Tim Hughes [...] and I approached the residence on foot. [...] I could clearly see through the open front door, the male white, later identified as Ronald H. Miller, was lying on his sofa inserting an item, later identified as a claw hammer covered with a plastic bag, into his rectum while completely naked. We observed he had some type of lubricant on his genital area and buttocks which we learned was motor oil.

10 points for originality.  The only thing missing from the report is "alcohol was involved" but I think we can safely assume.

His neighbors wanted it to be known that Ronald "The Hammer-Jammer" Miller was "not right."

No fucking shit.

(Thanks to Mthulhu)

Posted by: Moron Pundit at 02:35 PM | Comments (19) | Add Comment
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Moron of the Day: Beerconomics

If I hand you a ten-dollar bill and ask you to pick up beer, you had better come back with more than 4 cans of Natural fucking Light*:

Grady "Skip" Wilburn Dollar, 64, was accused of stabbing Mickey Joe Hill, 37, during a dispute early Thursday, said Sgt. Mark Richard of the Lawrence County Sheriff's Department.

Richard said the two men had been drinking together when Dollar gave Hill $10 and told him to go to the store for more. Richard said Hill brought back only four cans of Natural Light, a low-cost brand, and Dollar got mad that he didn't get more for his money.

"He said, 'For $10 you could have gotten a half case,'" said Richard. "Four cans of Natural Light only cost $3 or $4."

The victim then asked for one of the four beers and pushed the older man when he refused to hand one over, the investigator said.

"Then the suspect went to the kitchen, got a big butcher knife and came back and stabbed him," Richard said.

Consulting my Wisconsin Beer Price Almanac â„¢, I see that you can get a 30-pack of discount beer (Ice House, Natual Ice, etc.) for about $11.99. This means, if I give you ten dollars and you expect to have any of the beer this money has purchased, I'd better see a nice cube-o-suds in your hand when you get back.

Stabby obviously stole money or beer or both and deserved none of the remaining ambeersia. I believe God said it best in the commandments: "Thou shalt not fuck with a man's beer or a man's car lest you be shunned." To respond to a just shunning with a knife is sacrilege.

I say, give him the chair.

* - Note that this occured outside the borders of Wisconsin so no, I wasn't involved.

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Moron of the Day: Lawn Care

We've all had a lawnmower we wanted to take outside and put out of its misery. It took a man in Milwaukee to live the dream:

According to the criminal complaint, Walendowski said he was angry because his Lawn Boy wouldn't start Wednesday morning. He told police quote, "I can do that, it's my lawn mower and my yard so I can shoot it if I want."

This next part will certainly come as a shock to most of you:

A woman who lives at Walendowski's house reported the incident. She said he was intoxicated.

Free Walendowski! Every man is born with an inalienable right to load up on Val-U-Rite vodka and shoot lawn-care machinery in his own yard!

John Adams would be first in line to defend this fine American patriot.

Posted by: Moron Pundit at 09:07 AM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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Moron of the Day: Tropical Storm Bertha

Wherever this storm started, the ocean must have been rocking a 60/40 Val-U-Rite to water ratio because Bertha must be fucking drunk.  I mean, how long has this thing been meandering aimlessly accross the Atlantic? 

Here is a brief timeline of Bertha's trip to America:

• July 1st, 2008:  Bertha finishes 10,000,000th gallon of Val-U-Rite vodka and decides it's time to dog some poon.
• July 3rd, 2008: After fishing around in her pockets for two days, realizes she's not wearing pants.  Finds puke-filled purse in refrigerator.
• July 5th, 2008:  Starts car, reverses into garbage can, cusses out garbage can for several minutes before falling into a bush.  Leaves one high heel in bush before driving toward fancy New York club.
• July 11th, 2008: Stops at local Kwik Trip for Skoal, pack of Lucky Strikes and bag of beef jerky.  Attempts to pay humorless clerk with sex but is denied.  Cries/laughs/screams/laughs/cries as she drives away.
• July 13th, 2008: Attempts to stop by local British Pub "Bermudas" but is denied service on account of inebreation.  Pisses outside front door in protest.  Flees scene when police are called.  Realizes she didn't pull down panties before revenge urination upon sitting in car.
• July 16th, 2008: Parks car on side of road to "sober up" and passes out.  Awakens to smell of hobo urine and taste of sweaty tweed. 

Posted by: Moron Pundit at 11:48 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Moron of the Day: Moron Enemy #1

You get home from a hard day at work, fill your Hulk Hogan shampoo bottle with Val-U-Rite vodka and park your ass on the couch. Another shitty day is over.

Until your wife kicks the button on the automatic folding mechanism and crushes you to death:

A Russian woman in St Petersburg killed her drunk husband with a folding couch, Russian media reported on Wednesday.

St Petersburg's Channel Five said the man's wife, upset with her husband for being drunk and refusing to get up, kicked a handle after an argument, activating a mechanism that folds the couch up against a wall.

The couch, which doubles as a bed, folds up automatically in order to save space. The man fell between the mattress and the back of the couch, Channel Five quoted emergency workers as saying.

The woman then walked out of the room and returned three hours later to check on what she thought was an unusually quiet sleeping husband.

Police refused to comment.

Probably because they were laughing too hard.

Anyway, consider this a public service announcement to the Moronosphere:

Automatic furniture of any kind is the enemy of a Moron. Whether it be an electric wheel chair or an ordinary automatic, wall-mounted folding couch (?) a Moron should stay as far away as possible.  This man lost his life learning that lesson.

Rest in peace, Moron.

Posted by: Moron Pundit at 09:01 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Sigh. Another Musician Attacking Fox News Channel

Personally, I find these attacks and songs boring and pointless. Besides, I am not as big of a follower of FNC since they brought on a clown like Mike Huckabee as an analyst and gave Laura Ingraham her own airtime.

But, fools like NAS just can't get over the fact that the number one network on cable news actually does something other than serve as a 24-hour commercial for the DNC like MSNBC does.



Hey buddy. If you don't like Fox News, DON'T FUCKING WATCH IT!

Thanks to STL Dynamite

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Moron(s) of the Day: Please Taze Me Bro!

From my home town, we have some real Moron Lifestyle overachievers:

WAUKESHA — A Wisconsin man who posted a video online showing him and his father shocking each other with a stolen stun gun has been sent to prison.

Paul Crowell pleaded guilty to possession of an electric weapon and was sentenced June 20 to two years.

Documents say he stole a Taser from an East Troy police officer. He got it while sitting in a patrol car after his vehicle was found in a ditch.

And why was his vehicle in a ditch? The article doesn't say but, being a neighbor, I can venture a guess. Hint: It may have something to do with Val-U-Rite vodka.

Now, I know you're all wondering if I'm the person awaiting trial.  All I can say is, if I stop posting in August, you've got your answer. 

Anyway, the real point of this story is how fucking retarded it is that there is a law banning the possession of 'electric weapons.'  No wonder Wisconsin lags so far behind in the areas of Evil Genius Weapons Development and Mad Science Doomsday research. 

Seriously, two years?  What the fuck?  They deserve to get slapped for stealing the taser but not for owning it and certainly not for shooting each other with it for the world's amusement.  For that, they deserve a Moron Medal.

Posted by: Moron Pundit at 12:18 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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