July 18, 2008
Wherever this storm started, the ocean must have been rocking a 60/40 Val-U-Rite to water ratio because Bertha must be fucking drunk. I mean, how long has this thing been meandering aimlessly accross the Atlantic?
Here is a brief timeline of Bertha's trip to America:
- July 1st, 2008: Bertha finishes 10,000,000th gallon of Val-U-Rite vodka and decides it's time to dog some poon.
- July 3rd, 2008: After fishing around in her pockets for two days, realizes she's not wearing pants. Finds puke-filled purse in refrigerator.
- July 5th, 2008: Starts car, reverses into garbage can, cusses out garbage can for several minutes before falling into a bush. Leaves one high heel in bush before driving toward fancy New York club.
- July 11th, 2008: Stops at local Kwik Trip for Skoal, pack of Lucky Strikes and bag of beef jerky. Attempts to pay humorless clerk with sex but is denied. Cries/laughs/screams/laughs/cries as she drives away.
- July 13th, 2008: Attempts to stop by local British Pub "Bermudas" but is denied service on account of inebreation. Pisses outside front door in protest. Flees scene when police are called. Realizes she didn't pull down panties before revenge urination upon sitting in car.
- July 16th, 2008: Parks car on side of road to "sober up" and passes out. Awakens to smell of hobo urine and taste of sweaty tweed.
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