July 31, 2009

Hebrew (COCK)Hammertime

Yeah, I've seen these pictures but haven't had a more constructive response than, "someone should cut the achilles tendons of everyone involved, have horses brutally rape them for a few months and then feed them to pigs alive."

Plebian presented me a far more constructive alternative:

Exit Question: Should I have put the Star of David on the cock? I thought that might be sacrilegious even though I thought it would present the idea of the great Jewish people skull-fucking one of the most useless human beings that has ever swung left when her mom's leg was right.

Remember when I went on about how fucking talentless and useless the Coug was? Well, he's fucking Luciano Ludwig Van Einstein Mozart compared to this fat, obnoxious bitch.

Let me tell you a story.

I'm a Bears fan. Back in ought four they made the playoffs only to be embarrassingly defeated by, in essence, an expansion team including the most awesomely awesome moment where the first play from scrimmage by that team ended in a touchdown.

Now, like I said. I'm a Bears fan.
Superfans 1

Needless to say, I took it pretty seriously. I went out and consumed, at the very LEAST, half a bottle of gin on my way to a coma. If I had been in Florida I'd have made national news.

Aaaaanyway, I woke up with a burn on my leg about the size of business card. I'm not talking red skin. This was easily a third degree burn that went all the way through the skin and down into the flesh. No idea where it came from.

Fast forward a few weeks. Finally, after tons of washing and care the wound had scabbed over and looked like it was starting to heal.


I'll spare you the details but it wasn't until April until the wound was what I'd call fully healed. Still, I have a VERY impressive scar on my leg.

Now, why did I tell this seemingly unrelated, disgusting story?

Because Roseanne Bar reminds me of this puss-filled, crater in my leg. I have no idea where she came from. She's obviously the product of alcohol, she's disgusting, useless, painful to look at and won't. fucking. go away. No matter how many times she gets scraped off the surface, she just fucking festers some more until she's threatening to make you vomit. Oh, and my leg wound had about 49% more talent and sense than her.

To this day, I can make a little joke about my leg and people will laugh. On the other hand, nothing that Roseanne Barr has ever done has made people laugh.

I hope she gets terrible cancer and the only doctor that can treat her is Jewish and he just shows her the goddamned pictures and lets her fucking rot to death, alone fat and fucking soulless.

Burn in hell, ass fucker.

Posted by: Moron Pundit at 05:20 PM | Comments (8) | Add Comment
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July 30, 2009

Nothing for clunkers

The so-called "cash for clunkers" program has stimulated car sales so much that, well, it's going tits-up as of midnight.

The government is suspending the explosively popular 'cash for clunkers' program at midnight tonight fearing it would go broke before it could parcel out what it still owes dealers for a huge backlog of sales.
Although it's been wildly popular with people who wanted to get new cars, dealers have been frustrated by all the red tape involved:
Dealers loved the extra sales, but some were already getting cold feet about the deals because of the difficulty in processing them.

One dealer was going to suspend anyway. Another says he's having to haul clunkers back to his lot that he already shipped to the junkyard just to disable them. Others say deals are being held up by red tape.

But rules governing the program totaled 135 pages. They required dealers to register and many started off the week just trying to get answers on a government-jammed website. The rules are "very confusing," says Pete Greiner, who has a Ford dealership that bears his name in Casper, Wyo. "The administration of the program is extremely tough."

Some dealers said demand has been so brisk, they feared the program could go broke in days or weeks.

One Honda and General Motors dealer in Fort Worth says he has 50 clunker deals that were being held up by paperwork. "We're going back to our second and third round with customers to have things signed," said Will Churchill, owner of Frank Kent Motor. "They keep coming up with new forms to sign," Churchill said.

Now the dealership is in a Catch-22 situation: he must destroy the engines of clunker trade-ins to be eligible for the program. But if the paperwork falls through, he could be stuck with junked, rather than still running, cars.

Gee, who could have possibly foreseen that a big government spending program like this could have a downside?

Posted by: Sean M. at 08:22 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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Arizona State Capitol To Auction Off Naming Rights?

Hell, why not. Given how ass fuckingly ass fisted the stae is right now, that idea may not be far off. Especially when stupidity such as this is being floated around as an idea to stem the red ink.

Under the complex financial arrangement, state government services would continue without interruption while the state picks up a cash infusion estimated by Capitol number-crunchers at $735 million.

Gov. Jan Brewer said Wednesday she hadn't made any decisions on which state properties should be sold.

For investors, the deal means long term lease payments from a stable source.

"What they want is an asset that you're not going to walk away from," said Tom Manos, Gov. Jan Brewer's top fiscal adviser.

"They really don't care about the asset. What they care about is how essential is the asset," Manos added, citing talks with bankers.

Legislation to set the refinancing plan in motion is part of a budget-balancing plan being considered by the Legislature on Wednesday for the fiscal year that began July 1.

It also was included in a budget that the Legislature approved July 1 but that part of it and many others were vetoed the same day by Brewer because it didn't include her proposal for a temporary sales tax.

The list of candidate properties was reported Wednesday by The Arizona Republic. It had been disclosed previously that prisons could be involved.

The properties legislation does not specify which specific properties would be sold, and a candidates list provided to lawmakers only specifies the price to replace properties, not the amounts each would fetch in a refinancing.


Seriously, what corporate sponsors could we find for this venture?

Posted by: eddiebear at 09:53 AM | Comments (11) | Add Comment
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July 29, 2009

Just a reminder....

If you're Southern, you're still not wanted in the New "Majority":

Yeah, he voted for TARP, and yeah, he voted for that awful confiscatory tax on the AIG bonuses, but he’s made to order as a message man: Young, comfortable talking about the economy, and not from the south. More TV time, please.

Posted by: It's Vintage, Duh at 09:00 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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How to go from Fail to Epic Fail in one easy step.

Updated again, oops edition. .
Tex at Whacking Day (err..uhhhh.. did you bring the pre-wacked snakes?) is a motorcycle guy and he found a Fail Of The.... well, it might be Ever.

First, he quotes the thread starter from a blog devoted to the Suzuki GSXR
My bike was running like crap on my way home from work so I stopped at a gas station to get some NOS. I poured in 2 bottles and rode it home. Well I don’t think it helped because it ran even worse on the way home and now it won’t start. Any ideas?

NOS isn't nitrous, it's a gasoline additive they have in Australia. So the guy poured two bottles of gasoline additive into his tanks, I gather it's made up of mostly kerosene. As Tex and a few commenters on the bike thread note, one bottle treats like 15 gallons, he added two to a 3 gallon tank.
"Well, that's Fail, but the most Fail ever? C'mon Veeshir". you say? (probably with more cursing, you guys are a foul-mouthed lot)

Tex quotes a guy from the thread
unless you used the NOS energy drink instead of injector cleaner, then you’ve really done it…

Oh noes! He poured two, 22 fl oz (pictured) bottles of 'Red Bull' into his Suzuki GSXR750.
That's two bottles of caffeinated sugar into his high-performance bike. 
And then, blared it to the world.
On a thread full of devotees of the Suzuki GSXR.

I'm not sure if he could have failed any more.

UPDATE: I was wrong, he could fail more as Jeff notes, quote
The best part? His avatar on the forum is a picture of a bottle of NOS... the energy drink.

As conservativeinthecity notices
Pretty sure the avatar change was AFTER he became a forum legend.
Oh well, it was too good to be true.

Posted by: Veeshir at 02:05 PM | Comments (10) | Add Comment
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Your morning dose of EPIC FAIL, courtesy of The Hill

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the 5th most beautiful person on Capitol Hill.


Done bleaching out your eyeballs?  Okay. 

I'm assuming that Rep. Waters threatened The Hill with nationalization if she didn't make the cut.  But do make sure to click to the rest of the link, as there is enough EPIC WIN there to balance it out.

Posted by: It's Vintage, Duh at 07:01 AM | Comments (15) | Add Comment
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July 28, 2009

DHS: "Tornado Alley" a great place to build an infectious pathogen lab

Fortunately somebody at GAO noticed.


The Department of Homeland Security relied on a rushed, flawed study to justify its decision to locate a $700 million research facility for highly infectious pathogens in a tornado-prone section of Kansas, according to a government report.

The department's analysis was not "scientifically defensible" in concluding that it could safely handle dangerous animal diseases in Kansas -- or any other location on the U.S. mainland, according to a Government Accountability Office draft report obtained by The Washington Post. The GAO said DHS greatly underestimated the chance of accidental release and major contamination from such research, which has been conducted only on a remote island off the United States.

Still want government to run health care?

(via Slashdot)

Posted by: JoeCollins at 11:52 AM | Comments (11) | Add Comment
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July 27, 2009


I don't know which is worse, that the kid was stupid enough to do this or that the dad was stupid enough to stand by while the kid did this.  Or maybe that truTV sticks this in the 'Most Daring' category, that might be the worst part.

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July 23, 2009

FDA going after electronic cigs

They're saying that they have traces of toxic chemicals in the nicotine solution.  Okay, but aren't they still leagues better than cigarettes anyway?  Why do I have a feeling that they're going to use this as an excuse to ban, regulate or tax the hell out of e-cigs?

Posted by: doubleplusundead at 11:04 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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United Airlines taking PR hit over broken guitar

Now, I dunno that I'd put the entire 10% drop in stock price on Dave Carroll's youtube song like the article, given the crappy economy, but it certainly doesn't help at all.  The video has had over 3 million hits thus far, so it's definitely being seen by a whole of of potential United Airlines customers.  BTW, the guitar was $3,500, so this wasn't some cheap junker, either.

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Obama Motors Treats Its Union Brethren Well By Outsourcing Their Jobs

Meh. I would feel more sorry for these guys, but they sided with Obama, and pushed for his plan to take over GM.

Montana’s U.S. delegation was quick to criticize a bankruptcy judge’s decision to allow General Motors Co. to drop its precious metals contract with Columbus (MT)-based Stillwater Mining. GM will instead get its palladium and rhodium, used to make catalytic converters, from suppliers in Russia and South Africa.

Heh. Too. Fucking. Bad.

Posted by: eddiebear at 12:29 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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July 22, 2009

From The "What The Fuck Is This"? Files

People tossing sharks onto the road?

The shark was on Northwest Fifth Avenue near Fourth Street since at least 7 p.m., witnesses said, but police said they first received a call around 9 p.m.

"It was a relief that it was a shark," said Keith Smith, a local resident. "When I first saw it, I thought it was a body because of all the shootings that have been going on. I was surprised and happy because of my concern for human life."

Miami police couldn't immediately dispose of the shark. They first had to determine whether it was a protected Florida species, a classification that can bring serious charges to anyone who kills it without a license.

Officers at the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission determined the shark was a nurse shark. And as they prepared to take the shark away, a passerby told cops just how the shark got there.

Renato Martinez, 53, works at Garcia's, the fish wholesalers and restaurant on the Miami River. He said two men biked to the store, and offered to sell the shark for $10.

Absolutely not, the staff told the men. Those men must have dumped the shark in the middle of the street, Martinez concluded.

"I'm not crazy," Martinez said. "I know it's the same shark."

Seriously, What. The Fuck?

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July 21, 2009


Finally: All the people I'd never want to date, right in one place!

Posted by: It's Vintage, Duh at 01:52 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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Free Speech Under Attack In Canada

First they came for the speeders watching pr0n, and I said nothing...

A Mississauga man got caught by Northumberland OPP Saturday after another driver complained about a speeding car with a driver watching a porno movie.

Yup, the caller complained the man, alone in his car, had an X-rated movie playing on a portable DVD player in the car's front seat, police said.

Police caught up with the man around 12:39 a.m. along Hwy. 401 in Port Hope.

OPP Const. Chris Dewsbury said the car was clocked at around 140 km/h along the 100 km/h road.

Officers noticed evidence the driver was possibly impaired and a breathalyzer test was administered but he blew within the legal limit, police said.

Fucking fascists!

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July 20, 2009

While I'm sure they'd look damn sexy on you...

...that doesn't mean you should be wearing Bad Idea Jeans.

I mean, seriously?

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Terrifying thought of the day

As of today, Obama has only been President for six months.  Does it feel longer to anyone else?

Posted by: It's Vintage, Duh at 08:17 PM | Comments (12) | Add Comment
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Things Alex Should Be Allowed To Write In A Brief

A Non-Exhaustive List:

1.  Opposing counsel's argument is as stupid as he is ugly.

2.  Dude.  Seriously.  Dude.

3.  Oh COME ON!  The Defendant was drunk off his ass, ran a red light and smashed into a little old lady.  I kind of think the jury's going to side with us here.  Did I mention she was on her way to help run the refreshment stand at the parish picnic when the drunk ran the red light and smashed into her?  We're sooooo gonna win.

4.  I don't care what the precedent says, the Superior Court was doing the bad monkey crack when it issued that ruling.

5.  Why should we win this Motion?  Because I said so is why.

This list brought to you by the fact that if I write "it is respectfully submitted" one more time today when I really mean "but they're WRONG and STUPID" I'm gonna snap. 

Posted by: alexthechick at 01:01 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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July 19, 2009

Gee, guess who's defending affirmative action?

"Conservative" columnist Kathleen Parker laments that the male GOP members (heh, you'll see why that word is funny in a second) of the Senate Judiciary Committee were too hard (heh, again) on Sonia Sotomayor...

Judicial temperament is a legitimate concern, of course. But watching Sotomayor take questions about her moods from the nearly all-male Senate Judiciary Committee, one couldn't help wondering how those same fellows would hold up under similar scrutiny while a roomful of women took aim at their . . . fortitude.
See what she did there? She made a dick joke! In the Washington Post! HA!

Parker, a sage critic of the human condition the likes of which has not been seen since Mark Twain, goes on to note that everyone actually has prejudices...
Senators also hammered Sotomayor about her ethnic identification and whether she could rule fairly without undue influence from her gender or political preferences. Wait, let me guess, you're white guys! Are we to infer that men of European descent are never unduly influenced by their own ethnicity, gender or political preferences? Can anyone affirm this assertion with a straight face?
Well, Kathleen, most of us don't have to affirm this assertion, seeing as how we don't, you know, go around announcing it in speeches to legal conferences.

But, then again, most of us don't have the finely-tuned "conservative" mind of Ms. Parker...
When your party looks like a Wonder Bread convention during flu season, picking on ethnic identity and sex seems like an un-brilliant way to proceed. Yet, these same gentlemen don't understand how Sotomayor could have expressed the thought that she, as a Latina, might be able to reach a wiser decision than a white man?
Seeing as how I'm just an ignorant white male, I'm not wise enough to tease out how that makes any goddamn sense. Stupid me.

Educate me, Kathleen!!!

Posted by: Sean M. at 02:52 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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July 17, 2009


Why doesn't this surprise me?  Cannot stand Derbyshire.

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July 15, 2009

That's okay, we'll stick to calling you Johnny Cockbag

Levi Johnston is a tool, part 37,201,128 of a neverending series.  Apparently he's now going by the name Ricky Hollywood and has gotten an agent/bodyguard. 

Posted by: doubleplusundead at 09:27 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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