December 30, 2008

What's PETArded in 2009?

PETA came out with its list of "What's In and What's Out for 2009" a couple of weeks ago, and of course, it's more or less uniformly idiotic.  F'rinstance...In: Eating green, Out: Eating mean.  Get it?

But this one puzzled me...In: Inauguration fever, Out: Inauguration beaver.  WTF?

Oh, and while I like lolcats as much as the next person, bacon cheeseburgers are never Out.  Ever.

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Blue Man Group Is Hot For Teacher

 Look, buddy. I don't care what you do, or with whom you do it. But you should have enough money to get a room.

Darren Stephens, 45, of the 1400 block of West Leland Avenue and Michael Pressler, 48, of the 1700 block of North Halsted Street were arrested without incident about 5:45 p.m. in the 4500 block of North Simonds Drive, police said.

Pressler, who is the Asst. Principal at Maine East High School in northwest suburban Park Ridge, and Stephens, who is a performer with the Blue Man Group, were both charged with public indecency, a misdemeanor, after they were found allegedly engaged in a sex act on Chicago Park District property, police said.

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December 29, 2008

And your point is?

I have no idea how to begin describing the idiocy on display in this column from some Missouri newspaper, in which the writer is apparently trying to make some connection between increased gun sales since Obama's election triumph and the need for more Federal funding for education...

The thing I am hopeful about is that education will take front and center in the new administration because it is frightening when you pair the rising gun sales with the downward trend of the literacy rate. Just the idea that so many individuals are prepared to act on unsubstantiated rumors is disturbing.

And I think it is important for people to realize that according to the economists, the hard times are going to be around for several years, and as people become more challenged in their efforts to make a living, access to more guns is not something that I think will help people out. After all, everyone is an innocent gun owner until he or she commits the first crime.

Riiiiiiiight. Because we all know that when the economy sours, law-abiding (but possibly—nay, probably—illiterate) gun owners are likely to take to the streets in droves to rob and murder people. I'm pretty sure that's how Bonnie and Clyde got started.

It seems to me that the only crime on display here is that someone actually may have been paid to write this crap. I'd tell you to read the whole thing, but I wouldn't want you to lose a few IQ points. I mean, it also includes the following paragraph:
I have no problem with people bearing arms. It does annoy me when I hear people saying that they carry arms to protect themselves. I always wonder if they really know the difference between what can legally be determined self-defense and what is homicide. They seem to feel that it will somehow be left to them to make that call rather than law enforcement.
Yeah. When someone is breaking into your home or threatens to knife you on the street at night, perhaps you can stall them by having a debate about the difference between homicide and self-defense until the authorities arrive on the scene.  Good luck with that.

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December 28, 2008

Seems fitting somehow

The Detroit Lions finish their season 0-16.  They're the first team to lose out a 16 game season.  The last time a team went a full season without winning was the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, during their first season in 1976, with an 0-14 record.

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December 27, 2008

More fake soldiering

Protip to all fake military:  Wear the correct gear, because someone who is active (or retired but pays attention to current events), or a parent or someone who knows enough to call your BS.

In any case, this one is particularly reprehensible, he's a 44 year old career criminal who decided to dress up as a soldier and begin collecting for a veteran charity (and pocketed the money).  Unfortunately for our criminal, a 23 year old Iraq War vet with a well tuned bullshit detector realized the guy was bogus. Sure enough, the veteran organization the thieving fucker claimed to represent has no representatives in the Boston area.  Sounds like the guy was wearing an old woodland pattern BDU, and that's what made the real vet take notice.

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December 23, 2008

You Know What This Flight Needs? A Drunk Pilot!

Especially when it's a 4400 mile flight from England to India.

Dad-of-two Michael Harr, 62 — who had been to a Christmas party the night before — was breath-tested and hauled out of the cockpit of the Boeing 777.

He was marched off the flight to Mumbai in India as colleagues preparing for the 4,400-mile, nine-hour trip watched in horror.

Police were tipped off when airport staff smelt alcohol on the veteran flier as he passed through routine security.

And the best part?

“He was arrested and now faces losing his job. He is only a couple of years away from retirement and has blown everything.

“Apparently, he and some of his younger colleagues had been out on Saturday night and the drinking got out of hand.

“He thought he could keep up with the youngsters.” Airline pilots are meant to avoid alcohol for eight hours before flying.

A photo of tubby Harr posing in his cockpit and looking red-faced appears on the Facebook website.

The former Delta Airlines pilot, who lives in Griffin, Georgia, boasts in his profile: “This old marine is still flying for $$$ after over 40 + yrs.” He goes on to joke: “Do it till I get it right.”

A spokesman for Indian-based Jet Airways said of the drama on Flight 9W119: “The first pilot was replaced and passengers were only delayed by ten minutes.”

Idiot. If you have a Facebook page, keep it bland, use a fake name, and post a picture of Elvis and Nixon shaking hands as your "profile photo".

Just sayin'.

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Today's Double Dose Reminder Of How Not To Handle Frozen Stuff In Your House

First, this guy.

Fire officials in New Bedford, Mass., say a man using a blowtorch to melt ice on his back porch ended up setting his house on fire, causing up to $30,000 in damage.

Fire Capt. Scott Kruger tells The Standard-Times of New Bedford that no on was injured during Monday's incident at the three-story home.

Kruger says the man was using a torch hooked up to a 20-pound propane cylinder. He got too close to the building's wood frame and ignited the vinyl siding. The fire quickly spread into the building's second- and third-floor apartments.

Then, this guy.

Officials say the homeowner was trying to thaw out the pipe with a kerosene torch.

Irwin Fire Department Chief Keith Gray says the fire started in the basement and spread to the first floor.

"We caught it on the first floor before it got to the second floor," he said.

Gray says homeowners should not try to fix frozen pipes on their own.

"Best thing to do, if you have frozen pipes, call a certified plumber, get them to take care of it – don't try to handle it yourself," he said.

No one was hurt but firefighters say it could have been worse.

Today's lesson brought to you by the letter FAIL.

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December 22, 2008

In which God punishes me for gloating

Remember how I was a jerk yesterday about finishing up all of my Christmas shopping in one day?  Well, it turns out I was wrong.  Due to a bit of a crossed wire, my mom and I bought my brother the same thing, so I've magnanimously offered to take it back to save her a trip. 

Anyway, feel free to laugh at me for being an asshole.  I deserve it.

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December 20, 2008

Dammit Pixy! I Am Using Chrome At Home And mee.nu Doesn't Work WIth It! And I AM NOT Going To Switch Back To IE Or Firefox! Arrrgggh!

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December 19, 2008

Corruption in the United Methodist Chruch

Our friend and fellow moronblogger John (writing at Locusts&Honey) was a candidate to become a minister in the Methodist church...was being the operative word.  John's dismissal was motivated by internal politics, and his refusal to ignore corrupt behavior from his er, superiors.  Drop by and offer a kind word.

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Zamboni FAIL



That's outside the Friendly Confines of Wrigley Field, where the Detroit Red Wings will apparently be playing the Chicago Blackhawks in some sort of Canadian-style soccer game on New Year's Day.

(I just posted this because "Zamboni" is a funny word.)

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December 18, 2008

Headline of the day

From Major League Baseball's website:


Having known a few Mets fans in my day, this probably isn't the first time that's happened and it won't be the last.

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December 16, 2008

Heartless wingnut credentials? Check!

Here is an article by a gentleman who lost everything to Madoff.  From the article it appears that so did his extended family, to the tune of over $31 million dollars.  My response?  Dude, you are an idiot.  Yes, that's heartless but when you read it you discover that he didn't actually know what the investment was and that they didn't diversify.  Apparently, everything was given to Madoff. 

To this gentleman's credit, he agrees that he was an idiot.  I also did not read anything in there where he's demanding some type of government intervention.  I know that I'm supposed to feel sorry for him.  I simply don't.  He did a stupid, stupid thing and he got screwed over.  No, I don't think he deserved it but I'm not going to feel overly sorry for him either.  If it sounds too good to be true, then it is.  Don't expect me to feel sorry that he didn't take basic precautions to determine what his investments were.

Of course, I'm horribly superstitious so I now expect to discover that the $14.95 in my bank account was eaten by beavers or some such. 

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December 15, 2008

Subprime rant part II

Wait!  Don't go away again!  This one will be shorter, I swear.

Now that I've slammed on the borrowers, let me slam on the lenders for a bit.  No, not for making the loans in the first place.  Well, not entirely.  Long, hard looks need to be given to the various access to lending programs to see if these programs turned from "goals" into "requirements".  I know what I think happened.  No, this is about something else.

Yes, I'll put it in the extended entry to spare y'all.
more...

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These kids will never be judged, I'm sure

My hubby sees a lot of...creative names working for an urban school district, for instance, the kid named Se7en, the kid named Orangelo, the teacher who has legally had her last name removed and her first name changed to a symbol. I think this goes beyond creative into four-percenter territory, though.

JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell, Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell and Adolf Hitler Campbell.

Good names for a trio of toddlers? Heath and Deborah Campbell think so. The Holland Township couple has picked those names and the oldest child, Adolf Hitler Campbell, turns 3 today.

Of course, this is making the news because a grocery store has refused to put "Happy Birthday Adolf Hitler" on the kid's birthday cake.

I don't think the parents have thought this through at all. The dad's a little scrawny thing. I suppose this is a workable way to build hate into kids at an early age, though - the name combined with sticking a mullet on a three-year-old will ensure the kids have been beaten up so many times by junior high, they won't be able to help but be little walking balls of hostility.

Update: here's the link to the article.

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December 12, 2008

From The "You're Doing It Wrong" File

I think this hobo may need to brush up on his self preservation skills.

Fire spokesman Jason Evans said a man had been in the stairwell and had gathered newspapers and candles to stay warm. One of the candles may have tipped and started the fire.

The man was transported to Parkland Memorial Hospital with second- and third-degree burns, Mr. Evans said. His name was not being released because of patient privacy laws.

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December 11, 2008

Yes, I am actually sad about this

Bettie Page passed away.

She was 85 so it's not like this is a huge shock but it's still sad.  I hope she is at peace.

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People who hate children shouldn't teach

A substitute teacher took out her frustrations on a class of second graders.

A primary school teacher who left a class of 25 pupils in tears after she told told them Santa Claus did not exist has been fired..

When excited youngsters became rowdy as they talked about Santa, the supply teacher blurted out: 'It's your parents who leave out presents on Christmas Day.'

The class of seven-year-olds at Blackshaw Lane Primary School, Royton, near Oldham, Greater Manchester burst into tears and told their parents when they arrived home.
The substitute teacher won't be returning to the school.  If she has any love for children whatsoever, she should recognize that she has no business being around children in a position of authority.  Not due to claiming that Santa doesn't exist, but because anyone who would inflict that sort of pain en masse on a group of second graders is just an awful person and hopefully realizes that she should never put herself in a position to do it again.

(This is a sore subject for me anyway, as a radio ad last week had a child asking repeatedly whether someone would tell them the truth about anything, then asked out of the blue if there was a Santa Claus.  Which then had my six-year-old son questioning Santa's existence, in front of my two-year-old daughter.  Needless to say, they've lost a listener for the rest of the holidays.)

(h/t IndyEnigma)

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California FAILIN'

Hey, what a surprise! The Bluest of the Blue States (you know, the one I live in) is about to go broke:

California lawmakers just got a Henry Paulson-like ultimatum from state officials: If they don't act, the state could be forced to suspend road, bridge, and other public-works projects as early as next week. Come March, California will be out of cash for even day-to-day operations.

A confluence of the national recession and years of legislative budget games is squeezing the Golden State as never before. Although it's not the largest budget gap the state has ever faced, this time it will be harder for California to get help from private lenders. Standard & Poor's now ranks it lower than any other state except Louisiana, which shares the same rating.

The question is: Will lawmakers finally make the tough budget decisions they've put off for so long?

Um, based on the results of a joint session of the Legislature I'm guessing the answer is no.

During the joint session, members listened attentively, but their questions and statements afterward didn't reveal much softening of positions. Republicans signaled continued opposition to tax raises, while Democrats stressed they had already countenanced "devastating spending cuts" and some new revenue was needed. Democrats are a few seats shy of a full two-thirds majority needed to pass a budget on their own.

"It's not clear what my colleagues on the other side of the aisle want," said Karen Bass (D), speaker of the state Assembly, who helped organize Monday's joint session.

Well, if you need me to spell it out for you, Karen, some more "devastating" spending cuts would be good. Or, and hear me out, since this is a little crazy, you could cut taxes.  That could put more money in the hands of California's consumers and business owners. You know, money that they could spend, invest, or use to hire new employees.  Money that would circulate through the state, generating new tax revenues.

Yeah, who am I kidding?  Hello, tax hikes!

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December 10, 2008

Color me shocked

It turns out that Kentucky is third most corrupt state in the nation.

It’s the individualistic states, where there is an ethos that encourages people to be out for themselves, where corruption most easily takes root, argue some political scientists. Just look at the states that make up the group: “That’s the corruption rogues gallery,” says Colgate University political science professor Michael Johnston. “Every state has its own flavor,” he says, “but they all have a very high level of risk for corruption.”

But the regional theory has one big flaw: The most corrupt states aren’t in the “individualistic” part of the country.

In 2007, the publication Corporate Crime Reporter crunched Department of Justice statistics to rank the 35 most populous states of the nation by corruption. The top three? Louisiana, Mississippi and Kentucky – which can be better thought of as broadly representing the “moralistic” states. Illinois didn’t even break the top five, coming in sixth on the list

I got it, I got it.  States that are seen as valuing moral behavior are bad, New Jersey and Illinois are good.  Because of the hypocrisy.  

It's amazing what you can find out when you read Politico articles designed to portray Illinois politics as, like, totally clean. 

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