January 17, 2009

What's in your wallet?

Best credit card ever.

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January 16, 2009

Poor Flick

Someone got triple dog dared

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Oh, HELLS no

I have no idea who Alysia Gray Painter is, but she needs to be shunned:

Okay, so it has been all about bacon in recent months. Donuts. Martinis. Dipped in chocolate. And while we're not ready to forsake those salty-licious strips just yet, we've been wondering what meat-based product we might be sipping or dipping or scrubbing our bodies with by the close of '09.

Our early vote? Probably Spam.
I don't eat Spam. In fact, I've never had the stuff. That said, I'm reasonably certain that it cannot ever, ever compete with the world's bestest pork product. Period.

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January 14, 2009

Iblametheculturemania!

Laura Ingraham tries to do something, fails.

(Ahhh, I love writing that sentence.)

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Now I Feel Even Better Not Having To Need Sexual Enhancement Pills

I mean, if a stooge like me can keep my wife happy without the aid of pills, why would I need to buy crap from China? Turns out, I am glad I don't need the pills.

The Northern Territory News reports the patients, two men and a woman, were all admitted to Royal Darwin Hospital in the past two months after taking Nangen Zengzhangsu, a Chinese medication which claimed to enhance sexual function.

The Health Department has re-issued a warning that these pills could cause a diabetic coma, permanent brain injury or death.

At least one of the patients is believed to have been in a serious condition after ingesting the pills.

The medication - also known as Nangen - is believed to have been brought in from Asia or sourced from the internet. One UK website sells the drug for $10 a pill.

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Hitchens: "What exactly are we getting?"

You're getting exactly what you asked for when you endorsed Obama, cowboy.

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January 13, 2009

Yo Mama's So Fat...

She gets her MRIs at the zoo.

Carolyn Ragan has been through a lot since a tumor was found on her spine, including surgeries and paralysis. But she says nothing was as humiliating as a trip to the hospital to get an MRI two years ago. 

She was told that at 5 feet and 275 pounds, none of the MRI machines would hold her.  Carolyn says an assistant began searching for one elsewhere that would.

"So he suggested the Kansas City Zoo.  I thought, I know I'm big but I'm not as big as an elephant," she said. "And my husband got mad."

The University of Kansas Hospital says it can't verify or deny the statement, but says its MRI department knows there is no animal MRI in our area that will accept human patients.

The problem with MRI machines is two-fold: tables often can't support heavier patients and the tubes aren't big enough.   

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January 12, 2009

Good Samaritans, Chicago-style

Two teenagers helped a woman get her car out of a snowbank.  Nice, right?  Except then they demanded money, and beat her when they found out she didn't have any.

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January 09, 2009

The Most Annoying Asshat Ever

I loathe this toad. Watch the video. Shuster should never have been allowed back on the airwaves.

And yes, I'm holding back and not telling y'all how I really feel because I'm trying to remain a lady.

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January 08, 2009

The boozedriver

I like the hooch as much as—if not slightly more than—the next person, but there are certain times when it's not appropriate to pick up a few bottles. Like, say, when you're driving a school bus:

It does not appear the driver had been drinking, Billings Public Schools Superintendent Jack Copps said. No charges had been filed but the driver quit her job this week.

Copps said someone spotted the bus at the liquor store on Dec. 12 and called authorities. No students were on the bus at the time, he said.

By the time officers caught up with the bus, the driver had picked up some middle school students and allegedly asked one student to hide a paper bag with bottles of alcohol near the back of the bus, Copps said.
Yeah, that seems kind of inappropriate. 

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Chuck E Cheese Is A Great Place For Family Events

Especially if the family is involved in a brawl.

Susquehanna Township police have been called to the restaurant on Union Deposit Road 12 times in the past year for reports of disorderly conduct, assault and theft. Those calls have resulted in 13 arrests, including six women -- five adults and a juvenile -- charged with disorderly conduct in a Saturday-night brawl.

In 2007, police responded to the restaurant 18 times for similar offenses.

"It's madness, absolute madness," Susquehanna Twp. Police Chief Robert A. Martin said.

Martin said he believes much of the violence stems from ongoing disputes among people who bump into each other in the restaurant. "They see each other at Chuck E. Cheese, and before you know it an argument turns into something physical."

The assaults also could be attributed to separated or divorced parents who attend a child's birthday party, he said. Such was the case in an April 4 incident, when police accused a man of slapping his estranged wife in the head at their child's party.

The violence at Chuck E. Cheese's isn't isolated to the Susquehanna Township restaurant. Last month, the Wall Street Journal published an article about a growing number of adult melees at locations in Brookfield, Wisc.; Topeka, Kan.; Toledo, Ohio; and Flint, Mich.

The number of calls at the Susquehanna Township location increased from 11 in 2005 and nine in 2006, Martin said. In late March, police broke up a fight involving 20 people.

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January 07, 2009

Today's Naked Idiots In The News Rundown

I guess this guy thought naked karate was awesome.

According to the incident report, Jeffrey Pickett said he wanted to be a mixed martial arts (MMA) fighter and was looking for someone to battle. MMA fighters utilize martial arts techniques from several disciplines during combat.

Pickett said he wanted to practice his tap outs, which is used by a fighter to signal he no longer wishes to continue fighting. The move is usually done once an opponent had been forced into submission.

Pickett, who undressed in parking lot, said he knew he could find someone to fight with if he were nude.

Witnesses in the parking lot said they saw him standing outside his vehicle in the nude and that he jumped in the car when officers arrived. Officers saw him putting his shorts on when they arrived.

Pickett was arrested and transported to the Newton County Jail, where he was charged with indecent exposure.

And a "strategically placed sock".

A drunk man who danced in front of Kitchener police officers wearing nothing but a strategically placed sock will be paying for his admitted "idiotic" behaviour.

James Chrysler, 46, was fined $2,000 in a Kitchener court yesterday after pleading guilty to impaired driving and refusing to provide a breath sample.

Police were called to the area of Church and Peter streets in Kitchener around 1 a.m. on Dec. 23. A resident had called to report a man driving dangerously up and down the street for an hour, honking his horn.

At one point, he reversed at high speed down the street and pulled into the caller's driveway.

When police arrived, Chrysler sped towards a cruiser, then stopped. He got out, swayed and fumbled with his wallet.

He told police, "I was going for a nice walk in the snow.'' He refused to give a breath sample, saying, "I won't, because I wasn't driving. I was walking on the sidewalk.''

During an interview at the police station, Chrysler stripped off his clothes, put on the sock and danced in front of police, court heard.

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Anytime I Hear The Words "Spear" And "Groin" In The Same Sentence, I Tense Up

And this guy's plight is one reason why.

"He's ok now. He's still conscious and talking.

"He'll probably have a laugh about it in a week. We joked about it...we told them to not spear themselves and mistake themselves for a fish and then it actually happened."

Brisbane holidaymakers Doug and Richard saw the accident happen and called triple 0.

"The girlfriend was holding him and we were all quite anxious because he was walking around the rocks and slipping and sliding with this spear hanging out and we're yelling out, 'Stop, don't move, the ambulance is coming'," Doug said.

Richard communicated with the two couples from the headland above.

"He seemed to be ok, but he was in shock," he said.

"He was very close to being in real trouble."

The Energex Community Rescue Helicopter dropped off two crew on the nearby rocks and then performed a winch rescue in front of hundreds of onlookers who had gathered for the spectacle.

Those who had stationed themselves right on the Point Perry lookout tower had the best view, as the chopper hovered right at their eyeline for the winch.

"The challenge for the crew was how to remove the two metre long spear to something that was manageable," Energex crew member Dan King said.

"They stabilised the bit that was lodged in his leg and unscrewed the long pole so there was only six or seven inches sticking out.

"He certainly could have come off a lot worse than he did. Initially he did say that he thought he got washed into another rock, but when the wave drew back he realised, 'Oh dear, there's a big metal thing stuck in my leg'.

"Hopefully he'll make a full recovery.



And so does the girlfriend.

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Insurance Claimants Are Not Always Bright

Just ask these folks.

Other quirky cases include the shameless policyholder who claimed for a new bed because he had worn out his old one by having too much sex.

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January 06, 2009

The Curious Case of Boring Biden

Pluggy Joe and his wife went out to the movies over the weekend, but the show they wanted to see was apparently sold out. I know, I know, not really exciting news, but I thought this was funny:

Jill Biden walked up to speak with Muhamut while Joe stood nearby.

"She was asking me about other shows, but they really wanted to see 'Benjamin Button,' " Muhamut said. "He was maybe five feet away, looking at her. He was standing with his other Secret Service men."

Remarkably, none of the other moviegoers appeared to notice. Employees said nobody mobbed Biden or called his name or asked for an autograph.

Um, probably because he's Joe Biden.

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Hugo Chavez, humanitarian leader

Our fearless leader's going to have to add a Venezuela FAIL category at the rate things are going.  But the good news is, the crazy bastard gives me lots of stuff to rant about.  Kinda like a gravedigger during a cholera epidemic, I try to see the bright side of everything.

Hugo Chavez has suspended Citgo's charitable donations of heating oil to low-income American households.

In a surprise announcement, former U.S. Rep. Joseph P. Kennedy II said Venezuela would stop deliveries to his Boston-based nonprofit, Citizens' Energy, which last winter received $100 million of fuel that was distributed throughout the Northeast. Mr. Kennedy said Citgo cited falling oil prices and the world economic crisis for forcing the company "to re-evaluate all of its social programs." Neither Citgo nor the Venezuelan government had any comment.
And in other humanitarian news, Chavez is accusing Israel of a Palestinian Holocaust and has expelled the Israeli ambassador to Venezuela.
"The Holocaust, that is what is happening right now in Gaza," Chavez said in televised comments. "The president of Israel at this moment should be taken to the International Criminal Court together with the President of the United States."
Someone remind me again why we haven't invaded Venezuela?  I'm eagerly awaiting to see Chavez's reaction to an Obama presidency - he's so filled with vitriol toward the principles the U.S. stands for (I'm speaking about Chavez there, I know it might have been unclear) that I can't imagine him saying anything warm and fuzzy about Obama.  One cross word and the Obamabots will be up in arms, and that will be great fun.

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What the hell are they thinking?

Anheuser-Busch  has apparently decided to cease providing free beer samples to their adult theme park patrons:

The brewer has put the kibosh on the free beer samples at hospitality centers at its SeaWorld theme parks in Orlando, San Antonio and San Diego and its Busch Gardens parks in Tampa and Williamsburg, Va. In their place, the brewer plans to build restaurants, or other food-related venues, which have a broader appeal to children and families, said Fred Jacobs, vice president of communications for Anheuser-Busch Adventure Parks.
Stupid children and families, always ruining things for the rest of us.
 
Anyway, yeah, most of their beers are swill, but there's something to be said for free swill.

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Further Proof Steroids Are Bad For You

Just ask this guy, who used to be an American Gladiator.

"Bitch t- -s, man boobs, breast-chesticles is what they're called on the street. Gynecomastia is the scientific name. No matter what you call it, I [had] it," Clark, who was "Nitro" on the smash reality series, reveals in his memoir, "Gladiator: A True Story of 'Roids, Rage and Redemption," out next month. "I hate[d] taking off my shirt. For photo shoots, [I'd] wet my nipple with spit . . . [to] look firm instead of hanging down."

As he shot seven seasons of "American Gladiators" from 1989 to 1996, he pleaded with the wardrobe stylist to make him a new uniform, but didn't tell her it was "to hide my budding breasts." He eventually underwent reduction surgery.

Clark, a former LA Rams defensive lineman, used steroids for 20 years. They also took their toll on his private parts, so much so that he embarrassingly had to explain to women what was going on. "My b- - -s never really regained their size. They're kind of shriveled," he sadly told one bedmate. In addition, steroids subjected him to a "dull throbbing pain" every time he had sex.


Yup. I may have only above average ass kicking ability, but I will never trade in my abilities in the sack.

Then again, why am I here at night and not playing rumpus room with a roomful of hot, nekkid wimmins?

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