June 30, 2008

Scandi For Life: Real Men Row Home

I know I'm violating the Ace of Spades Lifestyle Terms of Service but I'm a proud, full-blooded Puffin-Humper. Before you commence mockery, consider the following situation. You're in a foreign country, trashed off your ass and 78 years old.

Do you:

A) Find a hotel.
B) Go to the airport and catch a flight.
C) Get in a boat and fucking row home.

Scandis know the answer:
A drunken 78-year-old Swede stole a dinghy after a night out in the Danish town of Helsingor and tried to row back to Sweden, but fell asleep halfway, Danish police said on Monday.

When the man discovered he lacked the necessary funds to pay for the ferry from Helsingor to Helsingborg in Sweden on Saturday, he decided to row the five km (three miles) across the strait of Oresund that separates the two.

He quickly grew tired and, trusting fortune and the currents to see him safely home, took a snooze at the bottom of the boat, where Danish police later found him out at sea, still asleep.
Yeah, he didn't make it but he has the mind of a mad viking!  That adventurous spirit is why we dominated you grass-loving shirt-lifters for centuries.

Update:  It is important to note that he didn't have the necessary funds because he spent it all on booze.  Epic.

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(Retarded) Quote of the Day

You can't make this shit up:

"It would be wicked to give it zero because it does show some very basic skills we are looking for, like conveying some meaning and some spelling," Buckroyd was quoted as saying.

"It's better than someone that doesn't write anything at all."

I guess the world will just have to deal with Mediocre Britain from now on.

Posted by: Moron Pundit at 11:56 AM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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June 27, 2008

Boy, the internets sure are useful

Back in the bad old days, if you spent several hours each day worrying about whether or not Abe Vigoda was still alive, you would constantly have to type in "vigoda" on Google News.  And really, who has time for that?

Now, there's an easier way.

Posted by: Sean M. at 04:50 PM | Comments (13) | Add Comment
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Just let me nerd out for a second, okay?

I went to the Drudge Report this morning* and my head about exploded with geek excitement.  KTLA blogs that, as expected, Heath Ledger seems a crowd favorite for the first posthumous Oscar in over 30 years:

His work, as The Joker, will absolutely be nominated for an Oscar, and at this point in the year, Ledger is also a hands-down favorite to win it posthumously. Ledger offers perfect pitch, perfect tone, his Joker hits all the right notes. 'The Dark Knight' is among the better super-hero movies of all time, and Ledger is THE BEST villain in a super hero movie of all time.
I hope this is an actual, honest assessment and not a way for Hollywood to use a fallen actor to pat themselves on the back, as we recently saw with the media after Tim Russert's death. 

(Oh, and be sure to poke through the comments at the KTLA link.  They include instant classics like "i think keith is playing dead to get the sympathy vote."  Nice.)

I'm putting excerpts from the first review (from Rolling Stone) below the fold, as I have found that my definition for what a spoiler is differs from the views of others.  So be warned, this may qualify as a minor spoiler. 

*and by morning I, of course, mean 2pm.  I'm second shift, what do you want from my life?

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Idiots Close School After Ninja Sighting

Just in case you were wondering just how retarded school administrators are:

It's the case of the nonexistent ninja. Public schools in Barnegat were locked down briefly after someone reported seeing a ninja running through the woods behind an elementary school.

Turns out the ninja was actually a camp counselor dressed in black karate garb and carrying a plastic sword.

Idiots. Everyone should have known immediately that it wasn't a real ninja because he was spotted in the woods.

You can't see ninjas, duh!


Posted by: Moron Pundit at 12:02 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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June 26, 2008

Madonna Getting Divorced

Well, she's talking to a cut-throat divorce attorney, anyway:

Madonna is seeking legal advice to end her marriage of seven years to film director Guy Ritchie, according to the Times of London.

The 49-year-old pop star reportedly has begun seeking advice from divorce attorney Fiona Shackleton, who represented Paul McCartney in his divorce from model Heather Mills.
In other news, GlaxoSmithKline (makers of Valtrex) stock has tripled in the last hour.

Posted by: Moron Pundit at 04:04 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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June 25, 2008

Web comic (or something) of the day

Now, I normally don't like this webcomic, as it's too heavy handed in it's liberalism. But this made my day...


Posted by: It's Vintage, Duh at 11:22 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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A small talk radio annoyance

I appreciate and share Mark Levin's love and support of America's armed forces, but I spending 5-7 minutes of his radio show playing the anthems of each of her branches a bit tedious. 

I hope this doesn't cause a suspension in my Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy membership.

Posted by: It's Vintage, Duh at 06:18 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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Supreme Court Haiku

Due to several recent Supreme Court decisions and the anticipated facepalm I'll be doing tomorrow, I've written a poem:

Fuck Shit Cocksucker
Motherfuck Cunt Whore Ass Twat
Dick Taint Cum Dumpster

I feel better now.  Feel free to add more creative (and possibly less profane) poems in the comments.

Posted by: Moron Pundit at 03:17 PM | Comments (11) | Add Comment
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Drink Wilkins Coffee or face random acts of violence!

These are so awesome,

There are some more here and here, they so would never get played today, not without some Nanny Stater screeching and throwing a tantrum about the violence.

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Speaking of fanny packs...

For a related video (but no fanny packs) see here.

Posted by: Sean M. at 12:59 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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The AP Can Blow Me

I was going to do a post about these cute girls in Utah protesting high gas prices because their parents can't afford cable but I realized it was an AP article so I have to sum it up in 5 words:

Pyper [...] and [...] Sadie [...] had [...] gas[...].

Loses something in the translation.

Oh wait, I just noticed the AP stole this story from the Salt Lake Tribune.

When a daily dose of Hannah Montana became impossible, the Vance sisters knew it was time to take to the streets.

Sadie, 9, and her sister Pyper, 7, marched around downtown Salt Lake City chanting, "Lower the gas prices," while carrying homemade signs. The sisters decided to protest after losing their favorite cable TV shows when their mother, Michelle, had to sacrifice cable TV to pay for her daily commute.

"Gas prices are too high," Sadie said. "I just decided to come and protest so they'd go down."


Now back to the AP fellating me.

I've always wondered something about the news business. Isn't news just something you heard from somewhere? So doesn't a news reporter just hear something and then tell someone else who then, in turn, tells somebody else? Sooner or later somebody writes it down and prints it out and then a bunch of other people read it and mention it to other people, right?

How the fuck do you get to copyright that? Can I charge when I let them know it is raining outside? That is to say, provide the information in a public format by stating loudly "it sure is raining out there" followed by a lengthy invoicing process to my coworkers? I guess I'd have to wear a t-shirt that said "© Moron Pundit 2008. All rights reserved." everywhere I went.

In this case, does the AP have to pay the SLT for the story? Did the SLT have to pay dude that called them to let them know this was happening? Did that guy have to pay the girls for doing it?

Seriously, somebody explain this as you would to a retard because I don't even see how the AP gets to charge at all.

Posted by: Moron Pundit at 11:46 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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June 24, 2008

Game On!

You may pull the razor away from your wrist for I have returned!

What have I noticed immediately upon my return?

Obama has not abandoned Wisconsin. In fact, it appears that the two biggest advertisers on ABC (the only channel I get...) are Obama and McCain.

Well, they also have this fully retarded commercial by Moveon.org.

And they talk about shit being taken out of context.  Buncha donkey cock suckers.

Posted by: Moron Pundit at 11:06 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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If any of you listened to The Dennis Miller Show this morning on the radio, I was definitely on there.  It was on voicemail, so I didn't know until I heard it just now.

Also, I sound like a 'tard.

Posted by: It's Vintage, Duh at 10:12 PM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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June 23, 2008

Does Bob Barr have Balls Insurance?

Separated at birth? You decide!

Above: A candidate who now believes the exact opposite of everything he voted for in Congress (aka Bob Barr).

Now, the spokesman for Cinco Balls Insurance...

I think we have a match!

Posted by: It's Vintage, Duh at 02:08 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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June 21, 2008

Accessories for the Ace of Spades Lifestyle™

I'm not talking about night vision goggles for your late-nite hobo huntin' expeditions.  No, these are Val-U-Rite vodka delivery systems for those rare situations when a Moron doesn't want to be seen guzzling his (or her) favorite 80 proof beverage straight out of the 1.75 liter jug.  You know, like at family weddings.  Or parole hearings.

Posted by: Sean M. at 11:55 PM | Comments (8) | Add Comment
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June 20, 2008

My God, it's full of stars!

Hello, everyone.  As the least well-known of DPUD’s new cobloggers, I thought I might do a brief intro so you can get an idea of who I am.  If you don’t care, feel free to skip this.  But know that deep within my heart I will harbor an abiding grudge that will eventually consume you with the flames of my anger.


Or something like that.  I’ll stick the rest of this below the fold to avoid taking up lots of space with my mewling.



Posted by: plebian at 04:28 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Some midday video

Ed Driscoll kicked this our way, so I thought I'd post it. Something about the imagery at the end is amusing to me.  The Hundred Acre Mafia really has some serious gear!

Posted by: doubleplusundead at 12:51 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Match Game to be revived

I predict it will be utter crap, the main reason being the antithesis of funneh, Sarah Silverman will be involved.  Not even the awesome Norm MacDonald is gonna be able to negate her chronically unfunneh presence.  Scott Thompson from KITH will be there too, I assuming to be a Charles Nelson Reilly type figure.  I don't think they'll recapture the essence of the old Match Game series, but it'll be interesting to see them try. 

Posted by: doubleplusundead at 10:21 AM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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June 19, 2008

IVD's Quote of the Day

[Fmr. Sen. Sam] Nunn brings the "integrity" word to the Obama campaign. Which oddly enough, is what he'd have to sacrifice to be a part of it.
- Dave in Texas, over at the Moron-in-Chief's

Posted by: It's Vintage, Duh at 10:09 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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