Donuts Help Make Health Kicks Seem Less Gay

Unlike the killjoys in the Soviet of California that Sean mentioned earlier, us hardy (and fat) folks in the Midwest enjoy wallowing in our deep fried happiness. Any attempt to regulate food in St. Louis and Southwestern Illinois will be met with a caloric "fuck you". And that is a good thing.

Well, we even have been able to combine that pussy-ass health shit with something delicious: donuts. Yep, the Tour de Donut was held this past weekend in Southwestern Illinois.

Apparently, the goals were a might different than what those blood-doping fools in France are doing right now.

Prizes were awarded to those who finished with the fastest time, the fastest adjusted time (depending on number of doghnuts eaten) and for most doughnuts eaten.

For every donut eaten, five minutes is taken off a cyclist's time. Pit stop volunteers were scrambling to mark those who had eaten doughnuts so cyclists could hop back on their bikes and pedal away.

And, it seems, only the hearty would be able to survive this grueling test.

Steve Striker of Edwardsville planned to eat at least 24 doughnuts. He was working on 20 doughnuts when he reached the Worden pit stop.

"I don't think I'll make my goal. It's tough to hold it back now," Striker said as he was shoving five doughnuts into his mouth.

First-time participant Blake Stevens of Edwardsville said the ride was fun.

"I got to see some guy puke after eating 25 doughnuts, so that was interesting," Stevens said.

Bill Schmaltz of St. Louis joked about the cyclists from Illinois lagging behind the rest. He said his goal is to eat seven doughnuts and finish the race under one hour and 35 minutes.

"This is fun, in a gluttonous kind of way," Schmaltz said.

Amen, brother. Amen. Now, douse yourself with gravy, and enjoy a Menthol lung dart to make the evening perfect.

Posted by: eddiebear at 09:56 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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