December 31, 2008

Happy New Year!

I broke out the asti early and am, humiliatingly, nearly hammered on half a glass.  So I wanted to wish y'all a happy new year before I start drunk blogging.  It's been an honor to be granted the keys to this place and I resolve to try to post actual substance occasionally. 

Plus perhaps to "accidentally" link to lesbian porn. 

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Maybe A Firearm Is Not The Best Method Of Self-Defense

Especially if this is the scenario that follows.

The Multnomah County Sheriff's Office said an 88-year-old woman fended off a naked intruder by grabbing the man's crotch and squeezing. Deputy Paul McRedmond said the man got into the house Tuesday through a sliding door. He backed the woman into her living room and pushed her face down onto a chair.

That's when the woman reached behind and squeezed. The man tore free and fled.

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Beer Lake? In Germany? Please Let It Be True!

Oh yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus!

The truck, carrying 12 tonnes of freshly brewed beer, lost most of its load on a sharp left-hand turn at the bottom of a hill, according to Kassel police inspector Wolfgang Jungnitsch.

Nearly 80 crates carrying about 800 litres flew off the truck, most of the bottles smashed, and their contents quickly froze in the chilly temperature of about minus 4 degrees Celsius, he said.

"A sheet of ice quickly formed and the air was filled with beer fumes," Inspector Jungnitsch added.

It took an hour to clear the intersection, and police said the trucker faced a fine for not securing his load properly.

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December 29, 2008

Anybody Wantg To Head To DC For Some Hobo Hunting?

It appears as though efforts to keep the hobo population from multiplying in the DC Libraries are leading to golden opportunities for some enterprising folks.

New rules have been proposed for D.C. public libraries, including a ban on sleeping and a limit on bringing in bags, in what library officials called an effort to make the system more welcoming.

But Mary Ann Luby, an advocate for the homeless, said the bag and sleeping rules "are going to be hard on people."

Maybe, but thanks to this work, ample targets for hobo hunters will soon appear to help rectify this issue. 

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Fishing Is Relaxing And Fun

That is, unless this happens to you.

According to Coral Springs police spokesman Sgt. Joe McHugh, the father and son were fishing in a canal behind 190 NW 113th Way around 9:30 Friday morning when they spotted what they thought was a coconut or a turtle on the bottom of the canal.

They fished the mystery item from the bottom of the canal using a pool net and noticed it appeared to have two eye sockets. They immediately called the police to report the discovery.

Sgt. McHugh says the police department recovered several bones located in this culvert back in July 2001 but it's too early to determine if the two cases are related.


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December 24, 2008

The perfect Moron Christmas carol

This song, "Fairytale of New York" by The Pogues with the late Christy MacColl, always brings a tear to my eye...

Here's hoping that you all have a very Merry Christmas!

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December 23, 2008

Merry Christmas, Morons!

Merry Christmas if I don't hear from you for a few days. It's been a blast, and I really enjoy being a part of this little venture.

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Hanukkah Is Underway

And eat some latkes. Just like this guy.

A 23-year-old mechanical engineering student has downed 46 of the potato pancakes in eight minutes to win a contest at a Long Island deli.

Pete Czerwinski (sir-WIN'-skee) says he'd never eaten a latke (lot-kuh) before consuming about seven pounds of them Sunday at Zan's in Lake Grove. The Toronto bodybuilder says he's just "a power eater" whose brain never signals that he's full.

Association of Independent Competitive Eaters Chairman Arnie Chapman says Czerwinski demolished the contest's previous record of 31 latkes, set in 2006.

Brooklyn college student Will Millender took second place Sunday with 29 latkes.

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Maybe I Should Learn How To Wrap Gifts This Well

Especially if this is on purpose.

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December 22, 2008

One More For The Road!

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I Now Have Even More Respect For Eric Clapton

Not only is he a kick ass guitar player, but he seems to enjoy shooting.

He says, "I'm not really that gregarious. And shooting with groups of people up and down the country has taught me a lot about how to get on with my fellow human beings."

The musician recently cleared out his gun cabinet, selling 13 pieces off at auction in Britain.

Clapton insists he had to get rid of the weapons, because he became hooked on collecting them.

He adds, "It is following the same pattern as when I collected guitars - I get obsessed, then engulfed and finally narrow the collection down."

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Sweet, Giant LEGO Hoth set

60,000 bricks and $3000 later, you have one awesome model.  Not quite as awesome as the LEGO aircraft carrier, but still awesome.

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Your Daily Dose Of WTF, Japanese Game Show Edition

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Fred to take over Bill O'Reilly's radio time slot

I hope he does a good job with this, on one hand, he's known for being low energy and needing a script to read from, on the other hand, if he does this daily,

...he'll do just fine.  No opportunity to smack the Hucktard will go wasted at doubleplusundead.

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December 21, 2008

You may commence to douse me with Haterade

I finished my Christmas shopping yesterday.  And by that, I mean that I did all of my Christmas shopping yesterday.

I may be lonely and childless, but at least I have plenty of money to spend on Val-U-Rite vodka and cyanide-tipped arrows for hobo huntin' that would otherwise be spent on toys that would get instantly broken and jewelery that would be extremely difficult to pawn anytime in the not-too-distant future.  You know, in case I would possibly need more money for discount liquor or hunting supplies.

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December 20, 2008

Why I love my hometown, #2850

Every Christmas there is a nativity scene up in the park behind the City Hall building, and no one in the town has ever been obnoxious enough to call the ACLU about it.

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December 18, 2008

The Hoff+Crappy Bowl Game=Teh Awesume!!11!

I was on the fence as to whether or not I wanted to attend this game, but I may sell all I have and buy tickets now that The Hoff will be there.

Television icon, popular worldwide recording artist and former Las Vegas entertainer David Hasselhoff will perform the National Anthem prior to kickoff of Saturday's Pioneer Las Vegas Bowl XVII organizers announced.

''The Hoff'' is best known for his lead roles as Michael Knight in the popular 1980s NBC series ''Knight Rider'' and as L.A. County Lifeguard Mitch Buchannon in the series ''Baywatch,'' which flourished for more than a decade and still regularly appears in at least 140 countries.

Listed in the Guinness Book of World of Records as The Most-Watched TV Star in the World, Hasselfhoff can be seen as a judge on the NBC hit reality series ''America's Got Talent.''

The former star of the CBS soap opera ''The Young and the Restless'' as Dr. Snapper Foster has also enjoyed a remarkable music career and garnered more than 40 gold and platinum records worldwide. His singing career took off in the late 1980s when he recorded "Looking for Freedom" at the end of the Cold War as the song became an anthem in Germany. His most recent single, "Jump in My Car," hit the top of the UK and European charts and the video was downloaded more than 6 million times.

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Me Want! Me Want Big Time!

Radio controlled tanks!

But this is no ordinary $10 plastic junker you used to get for Christmas. Nope. This one makes me want to run off and utilize my healed hand in a most delightful way.

And speakers are fitted inside to simulate the tank's distinctive rumbling noise.

The tank is powered by two, 500 watt 24 volt motors which are so powerful that it can pull a car on a level surface.

The tank is the meanest machine available at Mark 1 Tanks, based in Easton, near Winchester, Hampshire.

And it holds the title of being the biggest radio controlled tank available in the world.

With all the options fitted the tank costs almost £10,000 but smaller versions are available for as little as £100.

Other models of tank are also available including the famous World War Two Sherman, the German Tiger 1 and the Russian T34.

Company founder Mark Spencer said he began building the tanks himself after buying a less detailed version from a seller in Russia.

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A Lime In A Corona Has Nothing On This Guy

Some dude in China decided to mix snakes and beer.

41-year-old Wen Xide says he started by eating one to win a bet with friends for a packet of cigarettes and he says he "became addicted."

Wen says it helps him relax and claims, "it's a bit smelly but they're very delicious."

A local doctor says Wen needs to be careful though because he could suffer nerve problems and risk infection from parasites.


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I, For One, Welcome Our Ant Overlords



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