Looking for something?

If you're trying to find someone to perform a service, but can't exactly think of where they'd be listed in the phone book, I think I've found the site for you.

For example:

Ever feel like there's not enough nudity in the world? For $10 USD per month I will sit around my apartment naked as a blue-jay. Scratching extra as required.

Not your cup of tea? I can't blame you, especially since it was posted by some dude named Jared, who's apparently burned through his sandwich weight loss money. Well, how about this:

Hey, you have'nt [sic] done anything to me, and so far me and you have a blank emotional connection, but for the reasonable price of £100, I will become your sworn mortal enemy. This service will include verbal physical and mental abuse, matriachal [sic] insults, and attempts on your life, and will only stop when you choose and pay me a second £100 pounds. Some people need that kind of hatred before they can really shine, and if that person is you, then I am your man!! Love Josh

Josh, Josh, Josh. You would be a lot more convincing as a nemesis if you didn't sign your ad "Love Josh." Might I suggest the more menacing (and correctly punctuated) "Hatred, Josh" as a more appropriate sign-off?  You might also want to pick a more dangerous-sounding name than "Josh."  Might I suggest something like, say, Doctor Malice?  That's much more likely to attract the kind of person who needs an Arch Enemy.

Moving on, someone calling himself "tonyvortex" provides an intriguing-sounding service:

if you too would like a slightly amusing but scary drawing of yourself you are at the right place.for the low price of $5 once you submit any photo i will draw it from my own imagination.possible items that it would have include:balloons,bear bodies,ice cream cones,diet cola,odd stars,large overdrawn eyes,blood,and for an additional $2 any item you wish.

I think somebody needs to find a photo of our friend alexthechick and submit it to this guy with the simple instruction: "Clown." Where else are we gonna get that kind of hilarious trauma for only seven bucks?

Posted by: Sean M. at 02:29 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Beer + Camels=Awesome

I attended a birthday party for a daughter of a friend of my wife at Grant's Farm. Man, it was hotter than shit yesterday! But at least they still give out free beer (2 per guest, but if your wife doesn't want anything, that instantly becomes 4!).

Too bad the party was next to the camel area. The whiff of camel stench sure made the cake and ice cream taste different. But the best part? The camel seemed to want my beer.

Posted by: eddiebear at 12:50 PM | Comments (11) | Add Comment
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Uhhh...okay

Posted by: Sean M. at 08:18 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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Garfield Minus Garfield to be published

Surprisingly, Garfield creator Jim Davis is totally cool about Garfield Minus Garfield, and is supportive of the creator of GMG and has given the go-ahead to publish.  At least he handled it better than Chuck Norris...

Posted by: doubleplusundead at 07:18 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Some Saturday afternoon Batman geekdom for you

It's fully reliant on "unnamed sources," so I put as much stock in this as I do in VP speculation right now:

Heath Ledger's performance as The Joker has set the bar high for Gotham City villains, but reports in the US say studio bosses have set their sights on Depp as The Riddler and Philip Seymour Hoffman as The Penguin.

"Producers are convinced that the role of The Riddler is perfect for Depp. Johnny's a pro. He'll be able to take direction and still make the character his own. And what better Penguin is there than Philip Seymour Hoffman?" a source said.

Oh, and Angelina Jolie is reportedly interested in playing Catwoman. Personally, I think Rosie O'Donnell would make a better Penguin. She'd be good in that role, just as Courtney Love did a good job portraying a drugged-out whore.

Posted by: It's Vintage, Duh at 02:42 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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Franz Kafka, horndog

One of the good things about being a nobody is that when you die and they find your porn stash, it doesn't make the news:

A stash of explicit pornography belonging to Franz Kafka has emerged after being ignored by scholars anxious to preserve the writer’s image, new research suggests.

Having stumbled by chance across the material in copies of his journals in the British Library in London and the Bodleian in Oxford, James Hawes, an academic and Kafka expert, reveals some of this erotic material in Excavating Kafka, published this month.

The pornography’s publisher, Franz Blei, was also the man who first published Kafka in 1908 – a series of miniature stories later gathered in his book Meditation.

Dr Hawes, an admirer of Kafka, whose classics include The Metamorphosis, says that the discovery of the author’s stash shows him as more human than his popular quasi-saintly image. But even today the pornography would be on the top shelf.“These are not naughty postcards from the beach,” Dr Hawes said. “They are undoubtedly porn, pure and simple. Some of it is quite dark. It’s quite unpleasant."

Well, duh. You wouldn't expect someone like Franz Kafka to have a collection of bright, cheerful pornography, would you?

(h/t)

Posted by: Sean M. at 07:49 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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The 50 Hottest People on the Hill

There are some a couple of actual hawt people on the list who actually make me want to just move to DC without already having a job there. 

Exit question: What the hell is Octogenarian Sen. John Warner doing on this list?

(h/t)

Posted by: It's Vintage, Duh at 05:53 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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For Alice H.

In case she had gone a few days without thinking about Wisconsin:

A dragnet ended Friday with the arrest of a man accused of emerging from woods in camouflage and opening fire with an assault rifle on a group of young swimmers who had gathered at a lake. Three were killed and another wounded.

Scott J. Johnson, 38, was in camouflage as he walked out of some woods near the scene of the shooting and dropped his weapon as officers approached, said Jerry Sauve, chief's sheriff's deputy in Marinette County.

Posted by: Moron Pundit at 01:55 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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Deep Thoughts With Moron Pundit

Seriously, why would you make a ticking time bomb?  Wouldn't you want it to be quiet?

Posted by: Moron Pundit at 08:47 AM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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Presented without context

There was concern that women seeking the most common operation, the labioplasty, did not understand there was a huge variation in how women's external genitalia look.

"In one case we heard of a man bringing in a Brazilian pornographic photo and saying: `Make my girlfriend look like this','' Weaver said.

"We don't think it is ethical behavior to agree to do that.''

Ethical or not, I would have loved to be a fly on the wall for the conversation where the guy tried to persuade his girlfriend get her va-jay-jay operated on to look like something he found in a porno mag.  That must've been a special moment in their relationship.

Posted by: Sean M. at 02:19 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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