Moron Pundit Announces Unveiling of Giant Package

Today, Obama has announced that he is going to save or create another 600,000 jobs by expediting 10 major projects. 

I'm tired of our messianic President thinking so small so I'm announcing my new stimulus. 

Over the next 37 minutes I intend to save or create 155,081,000 jobs.  That's right, I'm going to save or create every fucking job in the United States in a little over half an hour. 

How, you ask?  A giant package, that's how.   How big is this package?  So big that women will scream as it is unveiled.  Oh yes, this is a hefty economic bitch-splitter with the ability to beat the brakes off any recession and leave it panting and eager for seconds. 

My giant package will inspire epic poetry and songs of gallantry.  Women will want it applied to them and men will wish they were the ones applying it. 

That's right, once you go Pundit you'll never refund it.  Once you MP you'll always agree.  Sign up now in the comments or leave your testimonials.

Update:  9:00AM - I did it!  I saved every fucking job with my swollen package!  Next time you go to the polls, remember that you owe your employment to ME, Moron Pundit. 

I'll see you in the White House.  Except alexthechick.  She has to bring her boots over for a private inspection.  After all, saving her job as a law-talking-gal was pretty awesome of me.

 

Posted by: Moron Pundit at 08:23 AM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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Hell has frozen over

Harry Reid has done something respectable.   An excerpt from the letter he signed:

Closing these dealerships will put over 100,000 jobs at risk at a time when our country is shedding jobs at an alarming rate. We also question the criteria being used to determine which dealerships should be closed and the fundamental fairness involved in this effort. It is our view that the market rather than leaving it up to the manufacturers whose poor leadership contributed to their demise. Furthermore, we believe car dealers will be key players in any effort to revive the American auto industry.

Posted by: Alice H at 04:15 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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I miss the good old days...

...when these two treasonous, Castro-fellating comsymp shitheels would have been executed. What do you want to bet they get off with a relatively light sentence?

Posted by: Sean M. at 08:25 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Bill did the job himself

I wanted to work in a joke about Thai tranny hookers here but I just can't bring myself to.

David Carradine committed suicide in a Bangkok hotel room either late last night or early this morning. He was in Thailand shooting a new film. I'm certain that the people honoring him at his funeral will be both more interesting and more respectable than those attending George Tiller's.

Posted by: Alice H at 03:45 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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Pretty much the worst story ever

Seriously, what the hell is wrong with kids today?  They should get at least 40 years each for this, maybe life. 

Posted by: doubleplusundead at 01:45 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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It was twenty years ago today

No, I'm not talking about when Sgt. Pepper taught the band to play. I'm talking about the massacre in Tiananmen Square.

I was just barely a stupid teenager then, and I knew next to nothing about international politics, but I had watched the demonstrations on CNN (which wasn't then the joke that it is today) but I knew that the people gathered in Beijing were fighting for their freedom. When I saw what was happening to the people there, when the troops and the tanks moved in and the whole thing disintegrated into a bloody mess, well, I cried. I knew that something horrible had happened to people who were standing up for something that they believed in. I knew that something horrible had happened. Even though I was ignorant of the evils of communisim at the time, I knew that it was wrong.

Posted by: Sean M. at 04:23 AM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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George Tiller is dead

I think everyone knew this was coming someday, but it still made my jaw hit my chest.

Dr. George Tiller, extreme abortionist, was shot and killed while attending his church today.  His wife was singing in the choir at the time.

I'm having trouble sticking to my rule about not speaking ill of the dead at least in the few days after their death here, so I'm just going to say that I'd really like it if people stopped shooting up churches.  A church should be a safe place to whoever chooses to attend.

I'll have more to say about this in a few days, and will especially be interested in who speaks at his funeral, but for now that is all.

Update: George Tiller's killer may have been identified, may be associated with Operation Rescue, and may have suggested infiltrating Tiller's church.

Update 2: There's a movement on Twitter to wear white armbands tomorrow in memory of Tiller.  This should be telling.  And please, do go read the #tiller twitterfeed - the sheer amount of rationalization and bias is staggering.

Posted by: Alice H at 05:05 PM | Comments (14) | Add Comment
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Us Hobo Hunting Morons Now Have Competition

Why couldn't this bear just stuck to buggering Boo-Boo and hunting for pic-a-nick baskets?

Officer Josiah Towne told the Keene Sentinel the bear tore open the man's tent near Route 101 Tuesday morning and began eating raisins and other food. The man tried to fight off the bear with a shovel but ended up getting chased through the woods.

The Fish and Game officer later chased the bear into the woods. Police say the bear had been spotted earlier rummaging through bird feeders and trash cans in downtown Keene.

Posted by: eddiebear at 11:37 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Can I be the first to say...

Oh shit...



Update: Double oh shit...

Posted by: Alice H at 09:53 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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Take-Two sues 3d Realms

Yeah, more Duke Nukem Forever news.  I can't help myself, part of me thought we were gonna see it happen, and still hopes it does happen.  In any case, a few years ago, Take-Two, who most people know of because of Grand Theft Auto, bought the rights to publish DNF.  Now they're suing 3d Realms because 3d Realms went bankrupt before they could deliver the game.  I'll be curious to see if they're just using the suit as leverage to buy out the franchise.

Posted by: doubleplusundead at 02:48 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Thank you Mr. Ridge!

If he keeps his word, Tom Ridge will not run for PA Senate, and we'll avoid the inevitably nasty and divisive primary fight that would follow.

Posted by: doubleplusundead at 01:52 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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RIP

Jack Kemp passed away Saturday.  He was 73, and had been fighting cancer for some time. 

Posted by: Sean M. at 11:49 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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How Mavericky Is Your Senator?

This column from Slate kinda helps you see how Mavericky your Senator really is.

Thanks to VMAX., who wonders why 65% is the threshhold for this graph.

Posted by: eddiebear at 01:59 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Obama supports the troops by giving them blow

Who cares?  It will only make them more presidential:

All the subjects were recruited because they were addicted to cocaine, O’Leary said. About 40 volunteers — most of them veterans — are being given injections at VA labs in Kansas City and San Antonio, he added.

Hundreds of veterans have apparently been used as human subjects in the past decade, according to records and interviews with officials.

The VA has handed over several other abstracts from studies over the past decade, and O’Leary said his agency has been conducting such research for at least 25 years.

O’Leary said that the subjects’ safety was paramount. But documents of a decade-old study that tested morphine on veterans found nearly 800 “adverse events” from anorexia to heart tremors.

Reached for comment, Lindsay Lohan asked reporters what she would need to do to become a veteran.

Posted by: It's Vintage, Duh at 08:39 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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The imprisonment of Roxana Saberi

Well, last time enough noise was made to get the Yemenis to release that other journalist, let's see if we can go two for two and get the Iranians to release Saberi.  The regime held a show trial and sentenced her to eight years, initially accusing her of buying wine, then declaring that she was caught spying.

Posted by: doubleplusundead at 04:50 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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Thank you for being a friend.

Bea Arthur, dead at 86.

Posted by: It's Vintage, Duh at 02:55 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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...Winter for Poland and France

Sure, Iran, Afghanistan, Pakistan, and North Korea (to name a few) are the current global hot spots, but we might just want to keep an eye on this...

A clutch of political and labour leaders in Germany have raised the spectre of civil unrest after the country's leading institutes forecast a 6pc contraction of gross domestic product this year, a slump reminiscent of 1931 and bad enough to drive unemployment to 4.7m by 2010.

I'm just saying is all.

Posted by: Sean M. at 02:38 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Nice To See China Values Human Rights

And this is a surprise to anybody?

Several portions of the book were leaked onto the internet and have caused a furore. "Who put it up on the net? How did internal material come to be discussed outside?" the unnamed official asked the newspaper.

The published sections of the manual explain that officers must quell any dispute swiftly. "Without letting go of the subject, several officers shall act together and in a single move take the individual under bodily control," it said. "Each action must be effective so as not to give the subject any pause for breath."

The manual also told officers they should not consider whether they are a physical match for the subject or whether they could harm the subject. "You must become a resolute law enforcer staunchly protecting the dignity of city administrative regulations," it reportedly said.

Zhao Yang, a junior officer in Nanjing told the Southern Metropolis Daily: "These things used to be spread by word of mouth, but now they're out in the open. Things like how to protect yourself and how to hit people."

In Shanghai, hawkers said they had heard of several cases of abuse by the Chengguan, who they described as generally uneducated thugs. Chen Juan, a 28-year-old hawker who sells trinkets and hairbands, said: "They are different throughout the city. The ones near the centre of town are very violent. They do not always beat you up, but they intimidate us and usually confiscate and stomp on our goods. I was once chased down the street by a gang of them and that left me quite rattled."

However, another vendor, who asked not to be named, said it was easy to "play the game", suggesting that casual bribery took care of most problems.

"The problem is that many hawkers are doing this because they have nothing else. So when the Chengguan confiscate their goods, they put up a fight. That's why they get beaten up."

Posted by: eddiebear at 12:52 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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Cavemen Should Be Extinct

Since I repeatedly bitched about how retarded the Prop 8 protesters were and how they clearly did harm to their own cause by their fascistic methods, I feel it is only fair to lob a grenade at the other side:

An openly gay state senator has received a death threat.

Public safety officials say Sen. Matt McCoy, a Des Moines Democrat, received the threat by telephone on Monday.

The threat was made as opponents of gay marriage continue to pressure lawmakers to take steps against a ruling by the Iowa Supreme Court that legalized same-sex marriages in Iowa.

McCoy confirmed it was a death threat, but declined to talk about details.

Look, we're fighting about whether or not the institution of marriage as currently defined by the laws of the United States should be extended to homosexuals.  That is a fucking long way from debating whether they should be allowed to live.  This dipshit represents exactly the stupidity that I am ashamed to have to associate with on the far right (or left... I guess humanity). 

What confuses me is that this guy and all those guys that make racist jokes at Ace's place always do it in that conspiratorial way like, "come on guys, let's keel those fags, eh?  Eh?  Who's with me?"  to which I always want to respond, "umm... nobody.  Well, almost nobody.  Nobody with an all their teeth, anyway."  Fucktards.

Moron Pundit's final take: "You're all wrong, stupid and taking this too seriously.  Let's just get government out of the marriage business and everybody can be happy." 

Update:  I was going to put this in the comments as a response but I think it merits being in the main post.

As commenters have suggested, I grant that it is possible that the threat was a fake/planted/what have you.  Even as I was writing the post I was thinking that but neglected to discuss that possibility for one very good reason. 

It makes no difference to my main point which is that this issue is completely out of hand.

Completely.   Whether we have a rube threatening a state senator for his stance or threatening all gay people or someone faked a death threat to a senator to make the other side look bad or the senator is lying or the media is lying or any other possibility I've overlooked, the point is valid.  That's some very fucked up shit that is way, way, way, FUCKING WAY more serious  than the issue they are fighting about.

I mean seriously.  This isn't black people with different water fountains.  This isn't slavery.  Its a fucking piece of paper that changes how you do your taxes and who can see you at the hospital (but not fucking REALLY that... I mean honestly... SHOW ME WHERE THIS HAS ACTUALLY HAPPENED).  The real life, actual difference between gays being able to get married or not is so trivial that the very idea of threatening someone about it from either side blows my mind.

Sure there may be a "the prinicpal of the thing" element to this but I'm pretty fucking sure violence and hate and threats and name-calling are well beyond the scope of that type of stance. You don't see 2nd Amendment people making maps of anti-gun people's homes or threatening to kill people because, while they are right on the merit of their argument, the argument itself hasn't reached the point that it necessitates such extreme actions*.

What makes it even more stupid is the inevitability of the thing.  Simply look at the demographics and it is very, very clear that gay marriage will be legalized everywhere in America as a matter of course by 2050.  People of my generation and even more so the one following (as a rule) DO.  NOT.  CARE if you are gay or straight or really anything else.  It is a distinction without a difference to us on the merits of a person.  Even generally religious people of my age group are mostly ambivalent about any anti-homosexual activism. 

I know I'm going to get hate mail for that last paragraph but talk to me in 40 years and tell me I was wrong. 

Its just frustrating watching people get so passionate about something so stupid.  From now on I'm calling this issue the Hyperbole Debate. 

* - Yes, gun rights are far, far, far, far more important than marriage but we are a very long way from confiscation no matter how alarming it can feel on any given day. 

Posted by: Moron Pundit at 08:24 AM | Comments (21) | Add Comment
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Sad News On Multiple Fronts

Harry Kalas.

Marilyn Chambers.

And Rosetta's planned trip to Canada.

"By delisting gender reassignment surgery, the government is performing capital punishment or execution on that person," said King, citing examples of transgendered individuals hurting themselves because of their gender identity disorder.

Gryphon said he hasn't joined the lawsuit because he doesn't yet know whether he will be denied sexual reassignment surgery.

"All of us are uncertain where the province will be cutting off the funding -- are they going to be cutting it off for people who have been approved already?" he said.

Gryphon, who has been on a waiting list for the surgery since February, said its a poor financial decision on the part of the province.

"It's going to be way more costly to fight the human rights complaints that are going to be lodged and the potential class action lawsuit than it would be to fund the surgeries," he said.

A Calgary woman, who has spent the past four years transitioning from a man, said she's planning to join the class action lawsuit if she is denied surgery.

"This is medically necessary -- it's not like cosmetic surgery like a boob job," said the 24-year-old, who didn't want her name printed.

Posted by: eddiebear at 01:36 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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