December 17, 2009
Apparently, Santa needs a makeover. All sorts of things in the Santa-mythos could be damaging to the children, and, well, when it comes to the children, there's nothing we won't do. You see, Santa's fat, which may encourage obesity. Santa also climbs around on rooftops and breaks into houses, which may encourage lawless behavior. Some people leave cookies and brandy for Santa, which means that Santa drives his sleigh drunk. (How does Rudolph's nose glow quite so bright, you wonder? Booze.) And this is not the image we should be promoting to the children.
With his portly belly and a fondness for a brandy-fuelled spin on the sleigh, Santa Claus is hardly the picture of health or safety.
Now his wild ways are catching up with him, with calls for a radical overhaul of his bad boy image. A study by Monash University public health expert Dr Nathan Grills found Santa could be promoting obesity, speeding and drink-driving, and damaging millions of lives.
The childhood legend should be used to promote a healthy lifestyle, the study, published in the British Medical Journal, found.
It suggested Santa slim down by ditching the cookies, mince pies and milk, and instead snacking on his reindeers' carrots and celery sticks. Santa also should trade in the sleigh for a bike or throw his sack over his shoulder and hit the global road on foot.
And the brandy should definitely be banished, because of its pound-piling potential.
It could also put Santa at risk of drink-driving, given that he visits billions of houses and takes a tipple at each.
His reckless behaviour could also encourage extreme sports such as roof surfing and chimney jumping - not to mention speeding.
At the very least he should buckle up or don a helmet, the study says.
Seriously, people? This is definitely in the top 50 dumbest fucking things I have ever heard. Stupid drunk-driving Santa, eating cookies and climbing through chimneys. Obviously, this kind of reckless behavior cannot be condoned, and should be immediately stopped. Furthermore, I've decided that it is evident that Santa Claus must be a pedophile. After all, he sneaks into houses to give presents to young children. Aren't people always telling their kids not to accept things from strangers?
As such, I motion that we ban Santa Claus permanently. Anyone showing his likeness, referring to, or behaving in any manner reminiscent of Santa Claus (e.g., giving gifts to children, eating cookies, wearing red, using the word "ho" in a sentence) should be immediately executed for being a bad role-model to the children.
After all, we can't have anyone corrupting the children with a message of good cheer, charity, and kindness, during this - or any other - time of the year.
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