August 29, 2008

Oh, just go away already

The rEVOLution may not be televised, but it's apparently still going to be in Minnesota next week:

As Republicans gather to nominate John McCain for president in St. Paul next week, don't expect former rival Ron Paul to cheer him on.

Unlike other former candidates like Mitt Romney and Mike Huckabee, the libertarian-leaning Texas congressman wasn't given a speaking slot at the convention -- in fact, he says the McCain campaign tried to bar him from the convention floor entirely.

"I didn't expect much and I didn't get much, because they don't want somebody there who will emphasize where they're coming short," he said in an interview.

Instead, Paul plans a rally of his own at a basketball arena across the river in Minneapolis, along with training sessions for his supporters who want to more effectively push the Republican party toward his antiwar, small-government ideals.

"They're lining up for the next fight, and they're going to have better numbers and they're going to know the rules better," he said.

Yeah, I'm sure your loyal horde of weirdos and retards will be well equipped (maybe with an even bigger blimp!) to convince us all to go back to the gold standard and stop giving foreign aid to Israel or whatever nutty thing you're currently advocating.

In between cross burnings and LARP tournaments, that is.

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August 28, 2008

Oh, great

It looks like Mother Nature isn't looking to do us any favors:

With more than two years of meticulous planning under their belts, organizers of the Republican National Convention are warily watching Tropical Storm Gustav to see if it turns into a hurricane and slams into the Gulf Coast.

As the storm gained momentum Thursday off the coast of Jamaica, it was headed on a trajectory toward New Orleans, which was hit three years ago today by Hurricane Katrina. If it strikes the Gulf Coast on Monday, that would coincide with the first day of the GOP convention at the Xcel Energy Center in St. Paul.

Should that happen, I'd imagine the tiresome but inevitable "John McCain doesn't care about black people" line would be trotted out lickety-split. I hope Ray Nagin has those school buses gassed up and ready to go this time.

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August 27, 2008

Rove, you magnificent bastard

I actually mean it for once. Alas, Joe Lieberman is not a magnificent bastard:

Republican strategist Karl Rove called Sen. Joseph I. Lieberman (I-Conn.) late last week and urged him to contact Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) to withdraw his name from vice presidential consideration, according to three sources familiar with the conversation.

Lieberman dismissed the request, these sources agreed.

Lieberman “laughed at the suggestion and certainly did not call [McCain] on it,” said one source familiar with the details.

“Rove called Lieberman,” recounted a second source. “Lieberman told him he would not make that call.”

If this is accurate (remember it is the Politico) then Lieberman is held captive to the same foolish thinking that took hold in Alaska yesterday with who voted for Sen. Ted Stevens and Rep. Don Young.  They may win this battle, but they'll lose the war in the November general elections.

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August 26, 2008

Say what?

I enjoyed both The Civil War and Baseball, two great documentary series by director Ken Burns. His more recent series, The War, wasn't quite as great, but it was still interesting. All that said, I'm going to call Burns an embarrassing tool for having uttered the following about Ted Kennedy:

I think there's so much poignancy. And what you begin to realize though is what he has accomplished during the course of his lifetime, in many ways dwarves the actual legacy of his two martyred brothers, three martyred brothers. At the same time, they're fixed. And so we endow them with the immortality that they so clearly deserve. And yet here is the youngest brother, the little engine that could that keeps going every single day, adding something to our agenda, adding something to this country. This isn't just a Democrat or Republican thing, this is for all of us. He's an amazing, amazing man to get to know.
A certain young woman who got to know Teddy back in the late sixties was unavailable for comment.

But, seriously, the fact that a grown man could have such an obvious schoolgirl crush on someone like Ted Kennedy is just creepy.  Perhaps the fact that he made such mawkish remarks in the presence of  Chris "Giggles" Matthews and Keith "Biggest Douche in the Universe" Olbermann explains why Burns felt inclined to let his hair down and emote all over Teddy.  "The little engine that could?"  That's just weird.

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August 23, 2008

Picture this

I linked to this article about pretentious hipster douchebags street artists who are supporting Obama in the comments to the Iowahawk thread below, but I thought this bit deserved its own post (my emphasis):

[Chicago artist Ray] Noland first sold his posters to friends. Then, just before the Illinois Democratic primary, he rented a storefront and made it a temporary art gallery, where he marketed his screen-printed Obama posters and paintings. He eventually packed the pictures into his Subaru and took his work on the road. Noland set up shop in Pennsylvania, North Carolina and Oregon for those states' primaries.

In North Carolina, Noland was surprised by a visit from Obama and his wife, Michelle, who "spent all of this time just gazing at the images," Noland said. "I think he was overwhelmed at seeing all of this work with his face all around." But, Noland said, Obama told him to keep up the good work.
Overwhelmed? Maybe. Or maybe he's the kind of asshole who gets an ego boost by staring at propaganda posters of himself.

To be fair, though, it's probably pretty easy to get caught up in that sort of thing when you've got a bunch of fawning sycophants like Noland kissing your ass and basically telling you that you're the new Messiah.  The trouble is that he seems to actually believe it.

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August 22, 2008

Free Shamu

Perhaps having seen a certain movie one too many times, the PeTArds over at everybody's (least) favorite "animal rights" group came up with an idea. And (of course) it's a really stupid idea, too:

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals wants to buy SeaWorld. One guess what the group wants to do with the popular theme park.

The animal rights advocates said they have a donor willing to put up the bucks to buy at least one of the three SeaWorld parks – in Orlando, San Antonio or, of course, San Diego – put the animals in marine sanctuaries and perhaps return some to the wild one day.

The group wouldn't close the joint. Instead, it would replace the killer whales, dolphins, stingrays and other animals with virtual reality exhibits.

Riiiiight. Because the public wouldn't stay away from something that incredibly stupid and shitty in droves.

PETA is known for staging publicity stunts, including one in Ocean Beach last year where half-naked people put fish hooks in their mouths to protest game fishing, but it swears this is no hoax. Still, the group won't identify the donor.

“He chooses to remain anonymous,” said Lisa Wathne, a PETA spokeswoman.

Can you blame him? I certainly wouldn't want my name associated with the asshats who compared the poultry industry to the Holocaust and waste their time on jagoff projects like trying to get a town to change its name from Hamburg to Veggieburg.

And as for the animals themselves?  Why, they'd finally be free to frolic in the open water, happy as, uh, clams, right?  Right?

At least one marine mammal expert, Lee Kellar of the Alaska SeaLife Center, said releasing marine mammals back into the wild is “a very difficult transition” for the animals.

Even a marine sanctuary wouldn't be much of a benefit, he said, because the animals would still need the care of humans. “It would cause a lot of pain and suffering for the animals,” Kellar said.

Oh.  Well, I guess it's the thought that counts.

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August 21, 2008

Portuguese TV Station Makes Me Hate Golf Even More

The Ryder Cup is a golf tournament pairing a team of US Golfers against a team of European Golfers. Usually, I could give a shit, and with Eldrick Woods not on the team this year, I care more about losing weight than I do this waste of time.

But, this advertisement by a Portuguese TV station has set me off.

Look, I know ad people always say that any publicity is good publicity. But, do you really want to desecrate the most treasured symbol of one of our country's branches of service? Why not run an ad with George Washington's statue in a Ralph Lauren shirt while you're at it?

Fucking golf. Fucking Euros. Fucking Zombies*.

*I have no idea how that relates, but I just felt compelled to go in a pattern of three with my F-Bombs.

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Stay in school, kids

My brother hepped me today to the story (and I know it was published last month, so spare me the "It's old" chorus) of Blake Peebles, a North Carolina teen who is so very, very talented that his parents have allowed him to drop out of high school in order to pursue his dream of fame and fortune. And what is his particular skill?  All-Star pitcher?  Piano prodigy?  Gifted painter?  Um, no, not exactly...

As the music begins, Blake quickly presses buttons on the guitar in time to a speed-metal tune blasting from the giant TV. It is an odd sensation, to watch a young man control the sounds of a rock song with a toy instrument, but this is "Guitar Hero," one of the most popular video game franchises in recent memory. Blake is one of the better players in the country.
That's right, he hopes to become a professional "Guitar Hero" player. I really wasn't aware that was something one could make a living at, but Blake's doing it. Well, sort of, anyway...
Among the prizes he's won playing "Guitar Hero" tournaments: gift certificates, gaming equipment and chicken sandwiches.
Well, that's more than I ever got out of playing video games, but that doesn't exactly sound like the basis for a solid career.

But the most interesting aspect of this story, for me anyway, has to be Blake's parents, Mike and Hunter Peebles, who may just be the weakest-willed people ever to raise children:
They would have preferred that he stay in high school with his brother. But he bugged them until they let him quit.

"We couldn't take the complaining anymore," says Hunter. "He always told me that he thought school was a waste of time."

Um, is it just me, or is the traditional response to that kind of thing usually something more along the lines of "Quit yer bitching and go to school, damnit" and/or "For the last time, you are not dropping out of school to play that stupid goddamn video game"?  Because I'm pretty sure that would have been my parents' response to me, had I spent a lot of time complaining that I wanted to quit school to play video games.

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August 20, 2008

Guess who?

Leave us hearken back to 1987, when John Blake "stumbled upon a slice of American history":

As the City Hall demonstration threatened to veer out of control, a lanky man suddenly walked up to the women protesters. He appeared to be in his mid-20s, and he wore a short afro and overalls.

The women's shouts trailed off when they saw him. The young man had an annoyed look on his face and, motioning with his index finger, he summoned the women to a corner in the room. They formed a circle around him, some still mumbling in anger.

"What did we come here for?" he asked them.

They gave an answer in unison.

He asked another question and they gave another collective answer.

As the man posed his questions, the anger of the women subsided. It seemed like this was an exercise that they had all rehearsed beforehand to keep the women's anger in check.

The women then took a collective breath, pivoted and resumed their demonstration, with the young man leading the way this time. The entire episode didn't last more than five minutes.

There's no word on whether or not he treated them all to fishes and loaves afterward (but deep down, you know he did).


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August 18, 2008

Canadians Want Their Own Pr0n, eh?

What's the matter? Our pr0n isn't good enough for you Canuckistanis?

"I think as Canadians there is a bit of a tiredness in seeing all American stuff," Shaun Donnelly, president of Real Productions, said during an interview on Friday.

"There is always that thrill for something that is local and you get the sense that these are people you can meet at the supermarket."

Yeah, I know all you morons are looking for Jenna Jameson on the produce aisle at your local grocery store.

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August 17, 2008

Nothing new to Pennsylvanians, unfortunately

Alice H sends this my way.  It's pretty sad, a kennel owner (read: puppy mill operator) was warned that he needed to seek medical treatment for the 70 dogs in his mill or he could face animal abuse charges.  The local shelter was ready to take the dogs with the agreement to forgo any charges.  Instead, the guy shot all of them.  Part of me wonders if he did this because he was scared of what they would find in terms of neglect, inbreeding and illness, or embarrassed by it.  Guess he wasn't too embarrassed to profit off of the mills, huh?

Sadly, this doesn't surprise me and probably doesn't surprise a lot of Pennsylvanians.  There is actually a somewhat serious problem with puppy and kitten mills in the state.  We've had two or three mills shut down in the rural areas a short drive away from the city over the past few years, and I believe we had a pet shop in town that was a front for mill operations (no longer exists, I believe the owners were charged with something stemming from their mills and the store folded).  Oddly enough, some of the Amish communities have gotten in on the mill racket too. 

Then you have to consider the other half of it, the mills in the cities, usually in the poor neighborhoods, and usually they're milling pit bulls.  We had a pit bull mill broken up in town a few years ago, as well as a dogfighting ring that was part of it.  So, yeah, none of this shocks me, and I really wish the ratbastard would be charged, but he'll probably get away with the abuses he committed.

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August 13, 2008

Speaking of Lincoln Chafee...

...guess who's a stupid troofer?  God, I've never been happier that he's not even a RINO anymore.

(Via Moron Central.)

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Mystery solved!

Remember Michelle Obama's complaint about her difficulties with finding fresh fruit for the kids?

Now we’re keeping, like, a bowl of fresh fruit in the house. But you have to go to the fruit stand a couple of times a week to keep that fruit fresh enough that a six-year-old—she’s not gonna eat the pruney grape, you know...Who’s got time to go to the fruit stand? Who can afford it, first of all?
I think I've figured out why even a successful woman like Mrs. Hopeandchange doesn't have the time and/or money to pick up any produce. My theory? She's buying the stuff from Japan:
Guests at an upscale Japanese hotel had a special treat after dinner: "dream grapes" that are fresh, juicy -- and cost nearly 30 dollars a pop.

Kagaya, a renowned Japanese-style inn in the central prefecture of Ishikawa, bought a bunch of Ruby Roman grapes for 100,000 yen (910 dollars) when the first batch of the new-variety grapes went on a local market.

See, that explains everything. Even when you're making nearly two hundred grand a year more since your husband (who's also getting a boatload of money from his book) got elected to the Senate (see this link again), it can't be cheap or easy to fly halfway around the world a couple of times a week to drop a cool thousand bucks each time your kids want some grapes.

If only there was an easier way!

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August 12, 2008

Thanks for sharing

You know something? I really don't get women:

Menopausal symptoms can be a real drag, especially at work. Hot flashes and memory glitches can look pretty bad during a board meeting or employee review.

A Newhouse News Service story on menopausal women at work raised the question: To tell or not to tell? If employees misinterpret menopausal symptoms as signs of your disapproval, shouldn't you just tell them what you're going through? The story quotes one woman as saying: "I don't worry about what people think about me going through menopause. I'm more concerned about what they'll think if they don't know." [my emphasis]

Okay, having never gone through menopause (and, seeing as how I'm a dude, I never will), I don't know what it's like. And, quite frankly, until I'm married and my wife goes through it (which is going to be a while), I don't want to know what it's like. But, really, isn't that the sort of deeply personal thing that people didn't chat about with their casual acquaintances at work in the past?

And seriously, how do articles like this even get written? I mean, can anyone seriously imagine something similar being approved by an editor where the topic is something along the lines of, "Should middle-aged dudes inform their co-workers about their enlarged prostates?" I should hope not, but maybe I'm just hopelessly old-fashioned.


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