December 24, 2009

Rules are made to be broken

Editorial policy here at DPUD is such that we're not supposed to send any traffic toward Andrew Sullivan, and I'm one of the strongest proponents of that policy, but this has to be seen to be believed.

I'm not going to even bother to excerpt any of it.  Read it all. 

(And try not to laugh/scream.)

Posted by: Sean M. at 05:39 AM | Comments (9) | Add Comment
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December 17, 2009

Santa is evil. Just go with it.

Apparently, Santa needs a makeover.  All sorts of things in the Santa-mythos could be damaging to the children, and, well, when it comes to the children, there's nothing we won't do.  You see, Santa's fat, which may encourage obesity.  Santa also climbs around on rooftops and breaks into houses, which may encourage lawless behavior.  Some people leave cookies and brandy for Santa, which means that Santa drives his sleigh drunk.  (How does Rudolph's nose glow quite so bright, you wonder?  Booze.)  And this is not the image we should be promoting to the children.

With his portly belly and a fondness for a brandy-fuelled spin on the sleigh, Santa Claus is hardly the picture of health or safety.

Now his wild ways are catching up with him, with calls for a radical overhaul of his bad boy image. A study by Monash University public health expert Dr Nathan Grills found Santa could be promoting obesity, speeding and drink-driving, and damaging millions of lives.

The childhood legend should be used to promote a healthy lifestyle, the study, published in the British Medical Journal, found.

It suggested Santa slim down by ditching the cookies, mince pies and milk, and instead snacking on his reindeers' carrots and celery sticks. Santa also should trade in the sleigh for a bike or throw his sack over his shoulder and hit the global road on foot.

And the brandy should definitely be banished, because of its pound-piling potential.

It could also put Santa at risk of drink-driving, given that he visits billions of houses and takes a tipple at each.

His reckless behaviour could also encourage extreme sports such as roof surfing and chimney jumping - not to mention speeding.

At the very least he should buckle up or don a helmet, the study says.

Seriously, people?  This is definitely in the top 50 dumbest fucking things I have ever heard.  Stupid drunk-driving Santa, eating cookies and climbing through chimneys.  Obviously, this kind of reckless behavior cannot be condoned, and should be immediately stopped.  Furthermore, I've decided that it is evident that Santa Claus must be a pedophile.  After all, he sneaks into houses to give presents to young children.  Aren't people always telling their kids not to accept things from strangers?

As such, I motion that we ban Santa Claus permanently.  Anyone showing his likeness, referring to, or behaving in any manner reminiscent of Santa Claus (e.g., giving gifts to children, eating cookies, wearing red, using the word "ho" in a sentence) should be immediately executed for being a bad role-model to the children.

After all, we can't have anyone corrupting the children with a message of good cheer, charity, and kindness, during this - or any other - time of the year.

Posted by: Ember at 06:53 PM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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December 12, 2009

Like we didn't see this coming

Noted frothing lunatic Andrew Sullivan (no link per editorial policy) goes on at length about Obama's speech in Oslo (Surprise! He loved it!) and discusses why he, The World's Last True Conservative, is such an Obama fanboi:

When I have been asked why I, as a conservative, support this man the way I do, I can only answer: listen to him. What is the philosophy that most affirms "the imperfections of man and the limits of reason"? What philosophy sadly demurs when told that peace is possible on earth, that history is leading to utopia, that war is over, that "freedom is on the march"? And this is the critical distinction between Bush and Obama: Obama is far more conservative than his predecessor.
But of course. Excitable Andi is such a deep conservative thinker that, given the chance, he will support the liberal Democrat over the Republican every single motherfucking time. Remember back in 2004, when John Fucking Kerry was "the conservative choice" as far as Sully was concerned? The rest of us troglodytes who found this hilarious were apparently too stupid to grasp why we should have taken his word and voted for a Taxachusetts leftist like Kerry. You know, because he was more conservative than Bush.

And while he pretended that he was upset at Bush over spending (*cough* gay marriage *cough*) he now finds his big-spending fantasy boyfriend to be far more conservative than Bush ever was. Yeah.

Why, I'm almost starting to suspect that St. Andrew of the Blessed Heart-Ache was, dare I say it, never really all that conservative in the first place.

(Oh, and Barry's public stance is that he's against gay marriage, too. And with his approval ratings plunging, what do you think the odds are that he's going to tack waaaaaay to the left on that issue next year? Will someone be gob-smacked? Stay tuned!)

Update: I missed something earlier that's ultra-obvious here:
When I have been asked why I, as a conservative, support this man the way I do, I can only answer: listen to him.
That's right. It's all about the wonderful, soothing words that come flowing out of Barack Obama's speech-hole, not, you know, the stuff he's been doing. So, while he's nationalizing industries, authorizing unelected bureaucrats to set the salaries of employees of private companies, trying to ram through a socialized health care bill that could send citizens to prison for failing to buy insurance that they don't want, and re-shaping our economy by destroying the energy sector, "conservatives" like Sullivan, Brooks, Parker and Noonan can listen to his blathering and say, "Oh, well, that sounds particularly eloquent, and he went to the right schools, so, that's nice," all the while deluding themselves that the turd they've just been served was sweet, delicious ice cream. Sure, that's conservative.

Oh, and if any of us knuckledragging "teabaggers" should mention anything negative about His Nibs or the way the Democrats have been leading us down the road to ruin, well, we just don't get the nuance. Why, we might even be RAAAAACISTS!!!!!!

Posted by: Sean M. at 04:41 AM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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December 10, 2009

Sometimes I wonder...

...whether or not people like this realize that there are a lot of people pointing at them and laughing at what they consider big, scary-important issues:

If you thought the television tales about Thomas the Tank Engine were merely light-hearted fun, think again.

 In fact, they portray a world blighted by a 'conservative political ideology' and a rigid class system which stifles self-expression. And they are sexist.

That, at least, is the view of a female academic who took the trouble to analyse 23 episodes of the programme inspired by the books of the Rev W V Awdry.

According to Professor Shauna Wilton, women are under-represented in the stories and what few female characters there are tend to have 'secondary' roles or be bossy.

What's more, she has warned that such negative messages about society subconsciously gleaned from the show might even drive its young fans off the rails in later life.

The learned professor was inspired to carry out her study after watching Thomas videos with her three-year-old daughter. While the child was enthralled, her mother was dismayed.

The most hilarious thing about this is that Professor Wilton probably has no fucking idea that she's just turned herself into the flipside of the "Oh mah Gawd, one of them Teletubbies is A GAY!!!" coin. Although, if someone were to point that out to her, I'm sure she'd have a perfectly rational explanation for why her hyperventilating about hidden messages in a British childrens' show is completely different. Yeah.

And now, for the less amusing, but sadly inevitable conclusion to this episode...
Professor Wilton, from the department of political sciences at Alberta University, Canada, wants tighter controls on what is broadcast-to children.

 She said: 'We tend to think of children's TV shows as neutral and safe, but they still carry messages.

'Eventually these children will attain full political citizenship, and the opinions and world outlook they develop now, partially influencedby shows like Thomas, are part of that process.'

And who better to determine what kind of messages die Kinder the children should be receiving through the media than, well, Professor Wilton and some like-minded pals? I mean, they know best, right? The world outlook of our kiddies hangs in the balance, people!

Posted by: Sean M. at 05:49 AM | Comments (8) | Add Comment
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December 09, 2009

Dear Allah Pund It In My Ass*

I only have one fucking thing to say to you after what you posted in Ace's thread last night.

Come over here and say that.  That's right, you syphilitic twat, get out of your mom's basement and say those manly fucking things within arm's reach of another human being.  It's people like you that make me wish the internet had never been invented so that low-functioning retards like you would have to suffer the viscous beating you earn every time you open your fat fucking faces. 

You see, people like atc have friends.  Fake, pretend internet friends, sure, but friends nonetheless.  You, on the other hand, have a tiny needle dick and Vesuvian sebaceous glands.  In the really real world, people that say the kinds of things you say get beaten savagely and left in a pile of their own shame and uselesness.  You're just a hateful, sexually confused coward with a great big keyboard. 

In the really real world, if you said something like that to one of my friends in my presence I'd pop every monster zit on your face with a fucking baseball bat. 

Seriously, get fucked. 

Die in a fire**,

* - Why don't we have a FUCKING OUT OF CONTROL RAGE category?
** I love that sign off.

Posted by: Moron Pundit at 09:56 AM | Comments (24) | Add Comment
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Quick! Let's make this all about me!

Something occurred to me this morning and I'm torn between thinking I'm overreacting and thinking that I'm a fucking idiot for missing the obvious.

For those following the banhammer thread over at the Head Moron's last night, did A Certain Commenter pretty much infer that I should off myself?  I didn't take it like that but now that I think about it, well, dude. 

Huh.  It's been some time since that's happened.  Part of me is a bit freaked while the rest finds it hilarious.  Or I'm overreacting and being extra dramay queeny this morning. 

(To clarify, I'm talking about #815, not anything else)

Posted by: alexthechick at 08:44 AM | Comments (19) | Add Comment
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December 06, 2009

A Message To Jim Big Fucking Pussy Oswald, Awesome Internet Critic

Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck You. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you.

Fuck you three ways from tomorrow with a jockstrap soaked in liquid heat tied to a supercharged pogo stick. You fucking don't like what we have to offer here? Fine. Offer suggestions. Tell us what we are doing wrong. Point out our fucking flaws. But don't fucking come over here, throw shit like that around, and then run away, you big fucking pussy. Be a fucking man and stand by your comments.

Seriously, Jim Big Fucking Pussy Oswald, my four year old daughter and my wife probably have more fucking balls than you. At least when they insult my friends, pursuits, or me, they provide a reason and a solution. You? You fucking Archduke of Assgrabbingdicksnigglin,  you come here, and don't offer any fucking suggestions. How fucking weak is that?

Even though this isn't my site, I would hope that the proprietor, Mr. DPUD himself, would cordially invite you to return, so that you can improve his site. If not that, then at least go stick a herpes infected hedgehog up your ass if you don't.

So fuck off, Jim Big Fucking Pussy Oswald. Fuck off with new guttering.

Posted by: eddiebear at 01:14 AM | Comments (50) | Add Comment
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December 03, 2009

I'm not a religious guy

In fact, I'm a dyed-in-the-wool agnostic.  That said, I like holidays like Christmas, and people like this can go to hell.

Rhetorically speaking, I mean, seeing as there might not be an actual hell.

Posted by: Sean M. at 04:26 AM | Comments (9) | Add Comment
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