November 05, 2008

Some (hungover) Thoughts on The Day After

Dear America,

Well, yesterday, you made some choices.  Some choices that I don't really agree with.  But that's okay.  You're still my favorite country.  Always will be.  I  promise.

But now, I'd like to take a few of you aside and have a word or two with you...

The GOP:  Hey, guys, you get to try your hand at being an opposition party again.  Won't that be fun?  The good news is that Congress is going to be run by Dingy Harry and Botox Nan.  The bad news?  You're a bunch of retards.  Oh, and the next time a Presidential election comes around, how's about we don't go for "The Guy Who's Been Waiting in Line the Longest" or "The
Person Who We Think The Media Might Find 'Electable,'" m'kay?  I got behind McCain because he's an honorable man and because he was damn-well better qualified than his opponent, but he wasn't a conservative, and guess what?  Well, you know what, don't you?  God, I hope so.

The Left/Obamatons:  Wow,  you won!  Congratulations!  Now, prepare to be disappointed.  A lot.  Have you noticed that The One hasn't been talking much about Iraq lately?  That's because he knows that he's not going to be pulling us out of there like he promised you.  We're gonna be there in some capacity for quite some time.  And there's a whole raft of other promises that he made you that he's not going to be able to deliver on, either.  You thought you were getting Teh New Messiah, but you just got a Chicago Ward-Heeler.  Deal with it.

Moderates/Swing-Voters:  You people had a choice between a centrist Republican who's got a long (probably too long) record of bipartisanship and a well-established career in public service, or an empty suit who promised a lot of airy-fairy platitudes about Hope and Change while voting in lockstep with the Dems and talking about socialism and destroying the coal-based part of our energy infrastructure (way to go, Pennsylvania!) in his more candid moments.  You also handed more control over to Congressional Democrats at the same time.  All I can say about all that is that Buyer's Remorse is a bitch.

African-Americans:  I know, you never thought you'd see the First Black President within your lifetime, but here he is!  Let's all hope he doesn't fuck things up so badly that you never see another.  Oh, and can we hear a little bit less about "institutionalized racism" now?  No?  Well, it was worth a shot.  And, yeah, I'm probably a racist for bringing it up.

The MSM:  Fuck you.  You're dead to me.

President-Elect Obama:  Congrats on your big win.  I haven't yet decided whether or not I'm going to channel your more childish followers and act like they have toward W. over the last seven years ("Not My President," etc.) or if I'm going to rise above and be a bigger man, but you can rest assured that every time you fuck up, I'll be right there.  You've got a big job on your hands, and I hope you keep America safe, but it's my job now to criticize your every mistake.  And when people like me criticize those mistakes, the cries of "RACIST!" are going to wear thin pretty fast.

Vice President-Elect Biden:  Don't you change a thing.  Stay gold, Pluggyboy.

Posted by: Sean M. at 04:14 PM | Comments (10) | Add Comment
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