Obama's Fault: Where the fuck is Moron Pundit?

I'm not sure how I can connect this but my recent run of stressful situations, work overloads, the decision to move (perhaps into a HOUSE!!!!!1eleventy) and every other distraction keeping me from blogging is definitely Obama's fault.

I know you've all missed me so I thought I'd drag myself out of the PHP Mines and give a dose of what Obama has fucked up since my last update. 

Answer:  A whole heck of a lot.

• First, of course, is the terrible corruption that has spawned in Illinois after his Orgasmically Holy Presence left the state.  If only we could clone him 50 times and provide one to each state (and DC) so corruption would be eliminated by his holy light.*
• HOPECHANGE!!!!
• Obama's bullshit is finally starting to cause serious real-world consequences.**
• Look on the bright side, this means more people will be eager to join the Obama Youth and Communist Conservation Corps.
• Global Warming irresponsibly claims another astral body.  Don't let the headline fool you;  Just because no reasonable connection can be made between your behavior and the climate of a planet 63 light years away doesn't mean you aren't evil little Gaia-rapers.  After all, the connection to Earth's climate change is only slightly less tenuous.
• Racism and religious intolerance are OUT OF FUCKING CONTROL in Belgium.  Wait, what?  They're actually terrorists?

There?  Enjoy your MP fix?  What else could you want, a reach around?  MP don't play that, motherfuckers.  Morons need love, too, but they have to pay for it.

* - Obama is full of shit on this one and everyone in Illinois knows it.  Every politician in Illinois is dirty on some level.  Hell, almost every person in Chicago has been involved in some type of corrupt activity.  I remember I once had to go to a downtown building to install a sample of a product for my company and we had to bribe the fucking building manager not to "rat us out to the plumbing union." 

Amazing.

** - What?  Cholera is caused by shit, right?

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First They Came For The Masturbating Old Men Near A Pool, And I Said Nothing

Well, actually, this fellow seems like a bit of a pervert.

The incident took place in June 2007 near the pool at LÃ¥ngviksbadet in Kalmar in southern Sweden, reports the Oskarshamns-Tidningen newspaper.

As the girls, who were 13-years-old at the time, gathered beneath the pool’s diving board, they noticed a naked man masturbating on a bench outside the nearby sauna.

“He looked at us and smiled when he did it. We were shocked and thought it was disgusting,” said one of the girls in court.

The 60-year-old admits that he saw the girls while he was sitting naked on the bench, but denies that he was masturbating.

“I haven’t had an erection in the last ten years,” said the man.

“I’m engaged in a number of therapies, including TFT, thought feel therapy. It involves tapping on different points [on the body].”

In his defence, the man also presented a note from his doctor elaborating on his groin problems.

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Normally, The Words "Woman" + "Prison"+"Cellmate" Would Help My Healing Hand Heal Faster

But not in this case, especially since the woman involved doesn't look anywhere as Foxy Brownish as the babes in those prison movies I watched in high school college last night.

The 4th District Court of Appeal ruled Wednesday that she is indeed "cohabitating" - with her cellmate.

Two members of the three-judge panel concurred and ordered her alimony payments stopped. A third dissented, writing Craissati's involuntary assignment to a cellmate is not cohabitation. "I would affirm the trial court's reasoning that this is an absurd result," wrote Judge Larry Klein.

The couple divorced in 2001. In 2005, Patricia Craissati was sentenced to nine years in prison for a DUI accident which severely injured two men. She is at Hillsborough Correctional Institution on the west coast.

Her attorney, Steven Cripps, said when he first heard of the ex-husband's argument that she was cohabitating with a cellmate he said: "Are you kidding me? You are going to take advantage of this situation and do this?"

Cripps says she's been receiving just over $2,000 a month in alimony while in prison. He said he will ask for a rehearing before the appeals court.

"It goes to show the most winnable case is losable and the most losable case is winnable," said the attorney of 29 years.

Andrew Craissati, a self-employed investment banker from West Palm Beach, said an uninformed person might consider his actions mean, but that there are many factors people don't know about. For one, he has had to pay as her house has sat empty because she did not want to rent it out. He called his victory "bittersweet."

"Everything about this case is just so sad," Craissati said.

His attorney, Lewis Kapner, said the ruling is grounded in the general language of the couple's agreement - cohabitation simply defined as living with another person for more than three months.

 

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I Hope This Is Satire

Vinty pointed this site out to me, and I am really starting to wonder about this Obama art.

 

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As If Things Couldn't Get Any Worse In Africa

It appears as though the vanilla crop in Madagascar is under attack.

The scientists' initial assessment released Monday said the world's main vanilla exporter needs to radically change farming methods to fight the disease, carried by an underground fungus.

Most of Madagascar's vanilla is exported to the United States, where it is used in candy, soft drinks and ice cream.

"The situation is critical," Malagasy agronomic research chief Simeon Rakotomamonjy told The Associated Press. "The disease now affects 80 percent of plantations around Sambava and Andapa," two of Madagascar's three main centers of vanilla production.

Surveys in the more isolated Antalaha region so far reveal only a trace of the fungus.

Fungus spores attack a vanilla plant at the root, and a black rot spreads upward, often killing pods before they reach maturity. The disease is known for the moment only by its local name, bekorontsana, which means "falls to the ground often," said plant specialist Alain Paul Andrianaivo.

Researchers propose a wholesale replanting of disease-prone species with a vanilla hybrid that, laboratory tests suggest, is fungus-resistant.

If new plants are the answer, the government will have to help, said Charles Gabriel, a farmer in the affected region.

"For the moment I have not got the money to buy new plants," said Gabriel, who farms two fields he inherited from his parents. "I would also need to see that it works before I begin planting."

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That's Not A Party, Mate!

This is a party!

Police initially said the brawl involved about 600 patrons outside an unnamed George Street venue in Parramatta.

But a police spokeswoman later said she unable to confirm how many people were involved in the brawl, which occurred at about 11.45pm (AEDT) on Sunday.

"We had 600 people that were in the street but that doesn't mean that every one of them was involved in the brawl," the spokeswoman said.

"It was more that we had a large number of people that had to be dispersed and within that large number of people there were a number of people that got into altercations."

Police said local officers were confronted with "very intoxicated, brawling patrons" with additional police called in from neighbouring commands, PolAir, the dog squad and the public order and riot squad.

Two security guards were taken to hospital for treatment after one was glassed in the brawl.

Dude, why is it all the cool shit happens Down Under?

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Today's Musical Interlude Of Awesomeness!!!11!11!!1! And WIN!!!!111!!1 All Rolled Into One

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Maybe It's A Good Thing My Right Hand Was Hurt!

Especially after what happened to this fellow in Germany.

Apparently “plump boobs and hot thighs” were too much for the 54-year-old pornography customer’s heart, who died while watching porn in one of the video-booths at the sex-shop on Bischofsplatz, the paper said.

A staff member became suspicious when there was no sign of movement in the cabin long after the man’s time was up. She reportedly knocked on the door and unlocked the booth from the outside and was shocked to find the “porn fan” dead in the chair, the paper reported.

A call to emergency services came too late to help the man. Though authorities suspect he died of a heart attack, the doctor on the scene could not determine the cause of death at the time, and the corpse was handed over to police.

“Investigations so far have not brought up any evidence that a third party might have been involved,” police spokesperson Christian Gräßler told the paper.

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Some People Need To Brush Up On Their Hobo Handling Skills

Especially this lady.

Investigators say Janice Benton, 47, invited the man to stay at her Silver Springs house after learning he was homeless and had recently been released from prison. > >

Wednesday morning, the two went to a bar -- the Back 40 Lounge -- to have some drinks.  The victim became upset when Benton began talking with other male friends, detectives say.   > >

A verbal argument followed, and Benton left the bar without the victim.  He later showed up at her home, where the two continued to argue and the victim allegedly taunted Benton. > >

At that time, deputies believe, Benton grabbed a gun from her bedroom and fired one shot at the victim, hitting him in the head.

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Hope, Change, And Deer Falling From The Sky!

Now, deer are flinging themselves off of bridges out of sheer ecstacy from The Messiah's looming "rule". Or oncoming traffic. But I'll blame Obama.*

Police in Indiana say five deer that wandered onto a highway overpass have jumped to their deaths on Interstate 69, one of them crashing through a tractor-trailer's windshield.

Indiana Department of Natural Resources spokesman John Salb says the deer may have been spooked by cars as they were crossing the overpass Friday. They fell 20 to 30 feet onto the highway.

Police say the driver of the tractor-trailer rig struck by one of the deer was not injured.

*Look, I'll start blaming everything on The One, since the moonbats have blamed everything including the Teapot DOme Scandal on Bush.

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Great Moments In Transporting Goods

I doubt this guy has the correct D.O.T. Authorization, surety bond, and insurance.

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The Lightworker: Working Miracles Before He Is Even In Office

And The Deciders are singing his praises regarding Black Friday.

President-elect Obama also said this week in a series of press conferences that he held Monday through Wednesday on the economy and laying out his economic team. You got to give him credit for one thing at least: ever since the leak of Tim Geithner as Treasury Secretary at 3:00 last Friday, the Dow has gone up 17%, the S&P has gone up 19%. So at least there's been a vote of confidence in the markets for president-elect Obama…And Black Friday, that’s exactly right, sales up three percent surprisingly on Black Friday. So, is this about the Obama economic team?

Honestly, do you think The Deciders will ever mention any bad news for the next 4 or 8 years?

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Obama's Fault: Terror Edition

Not even in office and the Fresh Prez has already emboldened our enemies to the point where India may get into a nuclear war with Pakistan and there are men with M-16's in the New York subways.

I am reminded of the scene in Braveheart where Longshanks ponders who to send to meet with Wallace:
 

Not my gentle son. The mere sight of him would only encourage an enemy to take over the whole country. So whom do I send?

Anyway, things are quickly going to hell in a handbasket and it is time to take stock and note the recent things that are Obama's fault:

• Large men with illegal firearms are shooting themselves in New York City night clubs.  Of course, when guns are outlawed, only outlaws will shoot themselves in the leg in night clubs.
• Britney Spears is releasing a new album.  Surely the four horsemen are saddling the horses.
• To those living under rocks, one of the most massive and well-orchestrated terrorist attacks in history occurred in Mumbai.  I'll have MUCH MUCH MUCH MUCH more on that later today.  Let's just say I've been doing the math all weekend and this story doesn't add up.
• Racists continue to be lying liars in Detroit.  Can't a Mayor text a few ho's up in this bitch?  Everyone knows Mark Furman did it.
• All the HopeChange in the world doesn't seem to be convincing enough for global leaders to sacrifice their own economies upon the alter of Gaia.  Remember, global warmening hurts minorities, women and terrorist college professors the most.  RACISTS!!!!111
• Did I mention that Britney Spears has a new album? 

What else did he fuck up this week?

Posted by: Moron Pundit at 10:43 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Hey Doom And Gloomers! How Did Those Black Friday Numbers Fare?

Up from last year.

But, leave it to The Deciders to put a negative spin on the numbers:

But the sales boost during the post-Thanksgiving shopathon came at the expense of profits as the nation's retailers had to slash prices to attract the crowds in a season that is expected to be the weakest in decades.

Of course, come November, 2009, we will hear nothing but trumpets and fanfare.

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Great stocking stuffers for people you hate

All I want for Christmas this year is anything but these.

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Why I'm glad I got my SmarTrip card last week

Because if I had waited until January, it would have looked like this:

Part of me wanted to get this one to add to the collection I started when they issued similar cards for President Bush in 2000 and 2004, but then I realized they only did this for Obama. 

Your tax dollars at work.

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NYPD+O-Bots=Skull Cracking Goodness!

Nice to see New York is still New York in some aspects.

Cell phone video showing NYPD cops - wearing riot gear - screaming at and swatting revelers in Brooklyn following Barack Obama's election win circulated on the Internet Wednesday.

An anonymous person recorded the Nov. 5 confrontation on Bedford Ave. and N. 7th St. in Williamsburg as celebrations erupted after Obama gave his victory speech.

"Get that f---ing phone outta my face," screamed the cop, seconds before lunging at a person.

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"The science is beyond dispute"

I'm disappointed that he didn't mention the pollution-eating-unicorn farms.  And flying cars.  Flying cars that run on Hope.

I find your laundry list of promises sadly lacking, <Keith Olbermann Voice> Mister Obama </KOV>.  GOOD NIGHT AND GOOD LUCK.

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Unintended consequences

Are you a liberal Californian?  If you answered yes to that question, what the hell are you doing here?  You must have taken a wrong turn at the Daily Kos.  But I digress.  You're probably ecstatic about Obama's victory and pissed about the passage of Prop. 8, right?  Well, I've got some bad news for you...

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Shepard Smith In Action

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