March 31, 2009

Smoke 'em if you got 'em

If you're a smoker like me (yeah, yeah, I know...it's a filthy habit) you might want to run out and stock up before the new massive and punitive tobacco tax increase wonderful expansion of health care For The Children!!!11one!!1!™ takes effect on Wednesday.

Now, let us pause for a moment and think about how this tax hike makes any goddamn sense.  Sure, it's supposed to pay for government programs while, at the same time, discouraging people from buying the products that are already heavily taxed to pay for those very same government programs.  Uh-huh.  If you think that's in any way rational or a good idea, go ahead and punch yourself in the dick.  Or buy an economics textbook, maybe.

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March 24, 2009

Why Don't We Yell That Obama Is Ambivalent About The Spread Of AIDS And Kill Jobs?

I mean, having the Government start buying and distributing Chinese made rubbers to poor nations most at risk of catching the disease is at best foolish, and at worst potentially disastrous.

Not only that, but the jobs The Messiah keeps claiming to want to protect are threatened by this deal.

In this case, Chinese condoms.

That’s the dilemma for the folks at the U.S. Agency for International Development, which has distributed an estimated 10 billion U.S.-made AIDS-preventing condoms in poor countries around the world.

But not anymore.

In a move expected to cost 300 American jobs, the government is switching to cheaper off-shore condoms, including some made in China.

The switch comes despite implied assurances over the years that the agency would continue to buy American whenever possible.

“Of course, we considered how many U.S. jobs would be affected by this move,” said a USAID official who spoke on the condition that he would not be named. But he said the reasons for the change included lower prices (2 cents versus more than 5 cents for U.S.-made condoms) and the fact that Congress dropped “buy American language” in a recent appropriations bill.

Besides, he said, the sole U.S. supplier — an Alabama company called Alatech — had previous delivery problems under the program.

It’s clear that Alatech’s problems over the years, which apparently have been resolved, may have driven U.S. officials to seek much less expensive foreign-made condoms in the first place.

But that’s cold comfort to Fannie Thomas, who has been making AIDS-preventing condoms in southeastern Alabama for nearly 40 years in the small town of Eufaula.

“We pay taxes down here, too, and with all this stimulus money going to save jobs, it seems to me like they (the U.S. government) should share this contract so they can save jobs here in America,” Thomas said.

Thomas and others at the Alatech plant said there aren’t many alternatives for them if it closes down, which is a likely result of the contracting switch.

In fact, the government is close to accepting condoms from two offshore companies: Unidus Corp., which makes condoms in South Korea, and Qingdao Double Butterfly Group, which makes them in China.

Condoms from those companies will likely carry the USAID logo — two hands shaking over red and white bunting

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March 22, 2009

US Dollar has largest one week drop in 25 years

Can the Democrats completely destroy the economy in six months flat?  Yes! They! Can!

Headline fixed, thanks Chad.

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March 20, 2009

For Some Reason, Bowling Is In The News Today

But I bet this is not the primary reason why.

. – Police said a dispute over bowling etiquette led one man to assault another with a 16-pound ball, knocking out one of the man's teeth. They said a 24-year-old man hit a man in the face with the bowling ball during a melee involving six bowlers at the Rocklin AMF Lanes. Two groups got into a fist fight about 12:40 a.m. Thursday after two bowlers approached the lane at the same time. They couldn't agree which should go first.

Rocklin police Sgt. Terry Jewell said the victim was treated for facial injuries at a local hospital. Doctors reinserted the tooth, hoping it will reattach itself.

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Produce Advice For Alex

Stay out of Whole Foods Stores.

One of the most deadly spiders in the world has been found in the produce section of a Tulsa grocery store. An employee of Whole Foods Market found the Brazilian Wandering Spider Sunday in bananas from Honduras and managed to catch it in a container.

The spider was given to University of Tulsa Animal Facilities director Terry Childs who said this type of spider kills more people than any other.

Childs said a bite will kill a person in about 25 minutes and while there is an antidote he doesn't know of any in the Tulsa area.

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March 19, 2009

Obama's Fault: Fuck AIG

But fuck the hypocritical, grandstanding, populist cocksuckers in Congress  more.  Besides being an obviously unconstitutional, ex post facto bill of retainder, it also (with Rethuglican help, I might add) allows the completely inept Obama administration to dodge responsibility for the existence of these bonuses in the motherfucking first place.

Now everyone can pat themselves on the fucking back for gouging a stick in the eye of the AIG executives while ignoring the fact they spent that tenth of a percent of the money they were handed by our cleptocrats at the FUCKING BEHEST OF THE LAWS AND PEOPLE GIVING THEM THE FUCKING MONEY.

Seriously, am I dreaming? 

Most of these companies are behind on their taxes.  Half the people giving them our tax money are behind on their taxes.  Nobody seems to have any fucking clue where this money is going while the number of backs being scratched and special deals is starting to seem outright impossible.

This would all be comical if it weren't (seemingly... that green beer may have broken my brain) reality.  I mean, ACORN is involved in the fucking census!  A man who pledged to never sign a budget with any earmarks in it blows his load on one with over 8000 and the top story is about some dipshit actress hitting her head on a ski hill*?

Seriously?  Is this Bizarro World?  Where's my retarded Super Man?  In this strange world is Ace banging Giselle and Tom Brady works at a laundromat?

See, here's the way I see it.  All of the novelists who envisioned a postapocalyptic nightmare always saw government or corporations or science as the instigators of societal collapse but I think it is clear what the true impetus for the funniest (most absurd) end of civilization ever.

The media. 

I don't even have the words to describe the contradictions and absurdity I see every time I watch the news.  Cramer and Stewart are fighting about who's smarter:  the guy who suggested we buy bank stocks at the end of 2008 or the guy that thinks its just fucking AWESOME to spend several trillion dollars on... I don't know... umm.. whatever  the Fresh Prez suggests.  Its sickening.  I have your solution.    You're both retarded.

Then Captain Teleprompter gives the head of our closest ally a Columbia membership that doesn't even FUCKING WORK IN EUROPE.  HOW IS THIS NOT THE ONION? 

I defy you to open your newspaper and tell me it isn't the Onion.  That red button in Russia that said "Overcharge" on it?  This CANNOT BE OBJECTIVE REALITY.  The gibbering shitstains really can not be our leadership.  Can they?  How does this happen?

And don't get me started on how much rage is being generated by "my own side."  Seriously, I think we're in sad shape if any of the people suggested are the "speakers for the party."  In fact, if every elected or appointed participant in the federal government was whisked away to the island in Lost, I can't for the life of me imagine a scenario where that hurts the country.  These people are the worst of us, not our leaders.  How fucked up does the world have to be for Nancy Pelosi or Harry Reid or Barrack "57 States" Obama or fucking Matt Damon to be taken seriously in any capacity whatsoever.

Its enough to threaten a man's convictions regarding Democracy.  I mean, if this is what democracy begets, I'd rather have heredity lines.  At least then there is the possibility of sustained non-retarded leadership.  Even in-breeding doesn't account for the kind of rank stupidity I now see from our "enlightened" classes.  Who would you rather have at Treasury?  Geithner or that banjo kid from Deliverance?  Dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum.

And all through this comedy of bad decisions (not errors, they were made with intent) the media cheers and distracts and dances along to the tune of our Incompetent In Chief.  Nauseating. 

So yeah, fuck all of 'em.  In the asses.  With that guy from new Wolverine movie as the dildo. 

* - I really mean that.  Fuck that story.  Who cares?

P.S. - I know I spelled a bunch of shit wrong.  I don't care.  I do what I want.

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March 18, 2009

Insert Donkey Joke Here

Folks, just a PSA:

When riding horses, watch out for angry donkeys.

"I have no feeling in my backside. It's like a Novocain feeling. It starts right here and goes down the middle of my leg," said Curtice.

Curtice and her boyfriend, Angel Velez, were on their first date riding horses in Spring Hill. Two donkeys that escaped from a ranch attacked the horse Curtice was riding.

"That's the only thing I remember is the teeth coming at me. I never got bit by the donkey, I got trampled by him, but the teeth, I remember the teeth," said Curtice.

Now, she's filing a lawsuit against the owner of the Blackberry Ranch, Tampa car dealer and philanthropist Frank Morsani.

"It's an accident. I don't blame anybody but if the man had fixed the fence, I wouldn't be in this mess," said Curtice.

"If we can show negligence release outside the boundaries of the property they live on, then the law provides for compensation," said Tom Carey, a trial attorney who represents Curtice.

Morsani told 10 Connects the donkeys accidentally got out for a few hours when someone cut his fence. Curtice says one good thing has come from the accident. She and Velez are now engaged.

"I think we found out how much we care about each other. I hope everything works out," said Angel Velez, Curtis' fiancé.

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March 16, 2009

Everybody Wants A Bailout

Even supervillains.

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March 12, 2009

Whereby I Steal The "Presented Without Context" Thingy

Ugh.


A witness said the animal suddenly lunged at the man, sinking its teeth into his crotch.

Shocked bystanders loaded the man into a car to take him to hospital, before one noticed a piece of flesh on the pavement.

"Luckily the horse did not chew up or swallow his testicle, but spit it onto the pavement," the bystander was quoted as saying.

"So I picked it up and brought it to the doctor at the hospital where the victim was being treated."

It was not know whether doctors attempted to sew it back on.

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March 09, 2009

Great Moments In Fast Food

I wonder if this is one of the Colonel's secret spices.

District Fire Chief Al Poulin said the 20-year-old man, whose identity wasn't available, had been cleaning an exhaust hood over the fryer.

"He slipped and fell, and he fell down into the Friolator," Poulin said.

The man suffered burns to both arms, his face and his chest, Poulin said. The severity of the burns was not known, he said. The man was taken to a local hospital for treatment.

Late last month, three employees of the same KFC were taken to a hospital for decontamination after a hoax phone call directed employees to test the eatery's fire-suppressant system.

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Uh-Oh! Hobo Hunting Just Became More Difficult.

Introducing the, the EDAR, A.K.A. the Hobo-tron, Version 2.0

The designers have continued their involvement with EDAR since the original design, tweaking the product and completing numerous mock-ups by working closely with Mike Orozco of Precision Wire, Inc., all on pro-bono basis.

Modifications since the first iteration have included decreasing the amount of wire to reduce rattling, and simplifying the frame configuration to decrease the number of breakable parts.

The resulting lightweight metal tube frame is approximately the width of a wheelchair and sits on four lockable wheels. It has closable wire baskets at either end, sandwiching a sturdy, waterproof canvas body complete with mesh vision panels and reflective edge stripping.

In "day mode," the EDAR slips easily over pavement. The unit converts quickly and easily to "night mode," in which it can comfortably sleep someone well over six feet (two meters) tall on a mattress supported by a metal-and-wood base. The entire unit bears a slight resemblance to a space invader from the Atari video game.

Each unit costs just under $500 to make. EDAR, Inc. sells them at cost to shelters, churches, and other interested organizations. How those organizations use or distribute the EDARs is up to them, but Samuelson's intent is to make them available to homeless clients free of charge.

 

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March 06, 2009

Further proof that I am the dumbest person alive

I just sent out a good chunk of money today to reserve an apartment in DC, even though I don't yet have a job there. 

I then took a nap and woke up to this news.

In a few short weeks, it's likely that I will be the first-ever Moron who is also a hobo.

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March 03, 2009

NOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Those screams you just heard came from your 401(K) dying a terrible, terrible death:

U.S. presidents usually don't try to give investing advice on the stock market. But President Obama opted to take a stab at it today.
Well, I suppose security companies do occasionally hire former burglars as consultants...

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March 02, 2009

Have you thanked Dear Leader yet?

He created or saved 6,763 points in the stock market today!

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What was that about promises and expiration dates again?

We were promised transparency. We were promised an end to earmarks. We were promised accountability. We were promised all kinds of idealistic stuff. Aaaaaaand...shockingly enough, this is what we got:

The administration's top budget official, Peter Orszag, said Obama would sign the $410 billion spending bill despite a campaign pledge that he would reject tailored budget requests that let lawmakers send money to their home states. Orszag said Obama would move ahead and overlook the time-tested tradition that lets officials divert millions at a time to pet projects.

It was the Washington equivalent of officials pinching their nose and swallowing a bitter pill.

"This is last year's business," Orszag said, offering an acknowledgment that Obama would sign a bill that doesn't conform with his campaign vows. "We want to just move on. Let's get this bill done, get it into law and move forward."

White House chief of staff Rahm Emanuel offered mirrored language: "That's last year's business."

The House last week passed the measure that would keep the government open for business through Sept. 30, when the federal budget year ends. Taxpayers for Common Sense, a watchdog group, identified almost 8,600 earmarks totaling $7.7 billion; Democrats say the number is $3.8 billion.

Regardless of the precise number, it was still far more than Obama promised as a candidate. He refused earmarks for the economic stimulus package he championed, as well as a children's health bill.

"We're going to be working with the Congress. We want to make sure that earmarks are reduced and they're also transparent. We're going to work with the Congress on a set of reforms to achieve those," said Orszag, who is director of the Office of Management and Budget.

Yeah, I'm sure the administration will get on that right quick. Oh, and guess who they blame for having to go back on their Hopey-Changey campaign rhetoric? I'll give you a hint: it's some guy whose name begins with a "G" and ends with "eorgewbush."

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