December 31, 2008

I'm Sure This Means Something, But I'm Not Sure What

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December 30, 2008

Leave It To The Scandis To Take The Fun Out Of Drunk Skiing

Sheesh. They are renting a drunk tank to hold all of them. To me, that implies the drunk skiing problem is a big deal in Scandiland.

Police plan to rent the container from a car club in nearby Höljes. The club uses the container in the summers for housing inebriated rally cross enthusiasts during the European championship week.

The container will be located in a fenced-off area at a garage owned by the National Road Administration (Vägverket) just five kilometres from the ski hill, enabling police to take a tougher line with unruly skiers.

"We are going to increase our presence in Branäs and will lower the threshold for an arrest. We are probably the first in Sweden to do this," said Peter Åkerström at Värmland's police to VF.

Currently the closest cell available for the detainment of tipsy tourists is in Karlstad, a two and a half hour round trip which uses up limited police resources.

"Branäs is located a bit out of the way. People go there to party and have fun. It is probably not quite as fun to wake up in a detention container," warned Åkerström.

Accommodation in the small red container is not however devoid of creature comforts for sobering skiers and is equipped with ventilation, a simple drainage system and a hole in the middle of the floor where overnight inmates will be able to perform their ablutions.

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December 23, 2008

After they come for our guns

...we can still rig Nerf Vulcans to throw harder, faster projectiles as rapidly as an M60. I recommend stocking up now to avoid the post-inauguration rush.



(h/t the Head Moron's sidebar)

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That Santa, He's A Bad Mutha!

Especially when it comes to the ass-kicking department.

The Santas clashed with another group of men, described as Asian or African, on a busy street in the city centre.

One man was taken to Addenbrooke's Hospital in Cambridge with head injuries and another needed stitches after receiving cuts to his face in the skirmish.

The trouble continued with small pockets of disorder reported in the city.

A police spokesman said: "The incident involved two groups of males. One of the groups were all dressed as Father Christmas, the other group were described as being of dark-skinned African or Asian appearance."

One man has been arrested in connection with the incident.

Police are keen to hear from any witnesses, particularly a couple believed to have seen an incident near the Olive Tree restaurant.

In 2004 police were forced to arrest five people when an annual charity run in Newtown, Wales, involving 4,000 Santas, ended in fighting.

Officers used CS spray and batons to break up trouble amongst up to 30 people and four officers suffered minor injuries.

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December 22, 2008

What Is It With Knut The Polar Bear?

Now, lonely people are flinging themselves at him.

A man jumped into the Berlin zoo enclosure of famed polar bear Knut on Monday, but officials were able to keep the animal away from the intruder by distracting him with a leg of beef, police said. The 37-year-old man jumped over a fence into a water-filled ditch at the edge of the bear's enclosure Monday morning, police said in a statement.

Zoo keepers, who had just let Knut into his outdoor enclosure, were able to lure the bear back into his cage by producing a leg of beef.

Police said the man, a German, was less cooperative, initially ignoring instructions to leave the enclosure. He was led away unharmed but, although he was soaked and cold, he refused to undergo a medical checkup.

Police said that, before being let go, the man told them that he felt lonely and the bear appeared lonely, too.

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December 18, 2008

The Moron Lifestyle Is Like A Cockroach

In that it can survive any disaster, even The Coming Age Of Plenty.

But all is not rosy. It appears as though more and more people may be encroaching into the world of Val-U-Rite.

Customer numbers at Colorado liquor stores aren't down and liquor excise taxes are up 7 percent this year, lending credence to the old saw that people continue to imbibe in tough times. But liquor store owners and liquor industry officials say drinkers are avoiding high- end spirits in favor of more moderately priced goods.

Or if they can't stand to give up their ultra anejo tequila and single-malt scotch, they may buy it in smaller quantities.

"I've never seen an environment like this," said Jim Smith, president of Republic National Distributing Co., who predicts that by the time the tinsel comes down, liquor retailers will have had a decent overall season.

But their revenues just might come more from $20 premium boxed wines. Sales of the penny-wise cartons have jumped 40 percent in the past month, according to a survey by A.E. Nielsen. Or from economy vodka, which the survey showed has jumped 7 percent while sales of luxury vodkas have declined.

"There are people out there that this downturn hasn't even bothered, but then there is the guy who would buy the $25 bottle of wine and is now buying the $10 bottle," said Daveco Liquors manager Ted Sutton.

No one has plunked down $13,000 for the store's priciest bottle of 55-year-old scotch. The last five-figure bottle of booze to sell there went out the door this summer before the economy really tanked.

Customer numbers are up at Argonaut Wine & Liquor, but co-owner Ron Vaughn said not as much high-end champagne as normal was carted away for Thanksgiving, and he doesn't expect Christmas to be any different.

"People are going quantity rather than quality," Vaughn said.

Jerry Sica, co-owner of Crossroads Wine & Liquors in Grand Junction, is using the belt-tightening as a way to highlight something he has always enjoyed doing.

"We see that people are downgrading their drinking habits, and we are turning them on to the better lower-cost brands," he said as he showed off an $18.99-per-half-gallon jug of Pinnacle vodka that he said stands up well to vodkas that cost five times as much.

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December 17, 2008

Obama May Claim He Doesn't Support The Fairness Doctrine

But a hell of a lot of his own party does, and I wonder how willing he will be to fight them off. One example is Rep. Anna Eshoo (D-CA), who really is pushing for it, and wants to extend it to other venues such as the internet.

The Fairness Doctrine required TV and radio stations to balance opposing points of view. It meant that those who disagreed with the political slant of a commentator were entitled to free air time to give contrasting points of view, usually in the same time slot as the original broadcast.

The doctrine was repealed by the Reagan administration's Federal Communications Commission in 1987, and a year later, Rush Limbaugh's show went national, ushering in a new form of AM radio. 

Conservative talk show hosts fear the doctrine will result in their programs being canceled because stations don't want to offer large amounts of air time to opponents whose response programs probably wouldn't get good ratings.

Eshoo said she would recommend the doctrine be applied not only to radio and TV broadcasts, but also to cable and satellite services.

“It should and will affect everyone,” she said.

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December 16, 2008

Who Knew Wigs Were So Important?

I guess to Taiwanese politicians, they mean a lot.

A Chen supporter grabbed Chiu's wig outside the building, baring a mostly bald head, the publicist and local media said. "It feels like someone pulled my pants down in public," Chiu was quoted telling reporters later.

Police at the Control Yuan arrested the wig snatcher but later released him on bail.

"With that kind of bail, it means the crime isn't too severe," the Control Yuan publicist said. "But it's unclear what the name of the crime should be called."

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When Life Imitates The Simpsons

Finally! Somebody is doing something about the bear menace.

The Alaska Assembly is considering a plan to hire a "bear cop" who would keep track of meandering bears and use air horns and rubber bullets to drive them back into the wild, the Anchorage Daily News reported Monday.

The bear cop, who would be a wildlife specialist, would have the power to relocate or kill a bear, said Assemblyman Bill Starr.

Anchorage residents are split on how to proceed against bears living in the city. Some think the state should take a more aggressive stance against the bears while others say the bears are just following their instincts, the Daily News reported.

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Personally, I Would Prefer The Gold Watch

I guess some folks have a different view of how to celebrate a retirement.

The man had worked at the branch of a major transportation firm in Ritto, Shiga Prefecture. According to the complaint and sources familiar with the incident, about 40 people including the head of the branch and most of the other drivers working there attended a farewell party at an inn in Kusatsu on the evening of Nov. 18, 2007.

During the event, the 60-year-old's colleagues threw him into the air in celebration, but they failed to catch him, and he landed on the tatami floor. He suffered neck and backbone injuries, leaving him with a disability in which he lost the use of his limbs and suffered respiratory failure. He died in September 2008 from blood poisoning.

It was believed that more than three people threw the 60-year-old up into the air, but since the details on who was involved remained unclear, the complaint initially named three people whose involvement was confirmed.

Police have reportedly begun questioning colleagues who took part in throwing the 60-year-old into the air.

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December 15, 2008

One More Reason To Avoid Exercise

You never know what you will encounter while jogging.

The Darwin trio - two aged 18 and one 17 - allegedly bared all at the Nightcliff jetty before "shaking their genitals at each other" and jumping into the sea, police said yesterday.

But the nude act did not put a smile on NT surf life saving chief executive Tony Snelling, who said the trio were lucky to be alive.

"Jumping into the sea at this time of the year is absolutely stupid," he said.

"Coastal waters at this time of year have swarms of box jellyfish - one of the most venomous creatures on the planet. These jellyfish can kill and have caused more than 60 deaths in Australia over the past 100 years.

"They are difficult to see in the water because the main body of the jellyfish is colourless, but they have 40 ore more tentacles, each of which may be up to 2m long," Mr Snelling said.

A male passer-by reported the incident to police about 6.30am. The trio received an on-the-spot fine, worth $110, for the nude dash.

"They were fined for indecent behaviour in a public place," Sen-Sgt Harrison said.

It was not known if alcohol was involved [duh-ed]. Surf Life Saving NT used the case to urge Top Enders to wear protective clothes when entering the water.

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December 11, 2008

Obama's Fault: Where the fuck is Moron Pundit?

I'm not sure how I can connect this but my recent run of stressful situations, work overloads, the decision to move (perhaps into a HOUSE!!!!!1eleventy) and every other distraction keeping me from blogging is definitely Obama's fault.

I know you've all missed me so I thought I'd drag myself out of the PHP Mines and give a dose of what Obama has fucked up since my last update. 

Answer:  A whole heck of a lot.

There?  Enjoy your MP fix?  What else could you want, a reach around?  MP don't play that, motherfuckers.  Morons need love, too, but they have to pay for it.

* - Obama is full of shit on this one and everyone in Illinois knows it.  Every politician in Illinois is dirty on some level.  Hell, almost every person in Chicago has been involved in some type of corrupt activity.  I remember I once had to go to a downtown building to install a sample of a product for my company and we had to bribe the fucking building manager not to "rat us out to the plumbing union." 

Amazing.

** - What?  Cholera is caused by shit, right?

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First They Came For The Masturbating Old Men Near A Pool, And I Said Nothing

Well, actually, this fellow seems like a bit of a pervert.

The incident took place in June 2007 near the pool at Långviksbadet in Kalmar in southern Sweden, reports the Oskarshamns-Tidningen newspaper.

As the girls, who were 13-years-old at the time, gathered beneath the pool’s diving board, they noticed a naked man masturbating on a bench outside the nearby sauna.

“He looked at us and smiled when he did it. We were shocked and thought it was disgusting,” said one of the girls in court.

The 60-year-old admits that he saw the girls while he was sitting naked on the bench, but denies that he was masturbating.

“I haven’t had an erection in the last ten years,” said the man.

“I’m engaged in a number of therapies, including TFT, thought feel therapy. It involves tapping on different points [on the body].”

In his defence, the man also presented a note from his doctor elaborating on his groin problems.

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Normally, The Words "Woman" + "Prison"+"Cellmate" Would Help My Healing Hand Heal Faster

But not in this case, especially since the woman involved doesn't look anywhere as Foxy Brownish as the babes in those prison movies I watched in high school college last night.

The 4th District Court of Appeal ruled Wednesday that she is indeed "cohabitating" - with her cellmate.

Two members of the three-judge panel concurred and ordered her alimony payments stopped. A third dissented, writing Craissati's involuntary assignment to a cellmate is not cohabitation. "I would affirm the trial court's reasoning that this is an absurd result," wrote Judge Larry Klein.

The couple divorced in 2001. In 2005, Patricia Craissati was sentenced to nine years in prison for a DUI accident which severely injured two men. She is at Hillsborough Correctional Institution on the west coast.

Her attorney, Steven Cripps, said when he first heard of the ex-husband's argument that she was cohabitating with a cellmate he said: "Are you kidding me? You are going to take advantage of this situation and do this?"

Cripps says she's been receiving just over $2,000 a month in alimony while in prison. He said he will ask for a rehearing before the appeals court.

"It goes to show the most winnable case is losable and the most losable case is winnable," said the attorney of 29 years.

Andrew Craissati, a self-employed investment banker from West Palm Beach, said an uninformed person might consider his actions mean, but that there are many factors people don't know about. For one, he has had to pay as her house has sat empty because she did not want to rent it out. He called his victory "bittersweet."

"Everything about this case is just so sad," Craissati said.

His attorney, Lewis Kapner, said the ruling is grounded in the general language of the couple's agreement - cohabitation simply defined as living with another person for more than three months.

 

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December 10, 2008

December 08, 2008

As If Things Couldn't Get Any Worse In Africa

It appears as though the vanilla crop in Madagascar is under attack.

The scientists' initial assessment released Monday said the world's main vanilla exporter needs to radically change farming methods to fight the disease, carried by an underground fungus.

Most of Madagascar's vanilla is exported to the United States, where it is used in candy, soft drinks and ice cream.

"The situation is critical," Malagasy agronomic research chief Simeon Rakotomamonjy told The Associated Press. "The disease now affects 80 percent of plantations around Sambava and Andapa," two of Madagascar's three main centers of vanilla production.

Surveys in the more isolated Antalaha region so far reveal only a trace of the fungus.

Fungus spores attack a vanilla plant at the root, and a black rot spreads upward, often killing pods before they reach maturity. The disease is known for the moment only by its local name, bekorontsana, which means "falls to the ground often," said plant specialist Alain Paul Andrianaivo.

Researchers propose a wholesale replanting of disease-prone species with a vanilla hybrid that, laboratory tests suggest, is fungus-resistant.

If new plants are the answer, the government will have to help, said Charles Gabriel, a farmer in the affected region.

"For the moment I have not got the money to buy new plants," said Gabriel, who farms two fields he inherited from his parents. "I would also need to see that it works before I begin planting."

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December 07, 2008

That's Not A Party, Mate!

This is a party!

Police initially said the brawl involved about 600 patrons outside an unnamed George Street venue in Parramatta.

But a police spokeswoman later said she unable to confirm how many people were involved in the brawl, which occurred at about 11.45pm (AEDT) on Sunday.

"We had 600 people that were in the street but that doesn't mean that every one of them was involved in the brawl," the spokeswoman said.

"It was more that we had a large number of people that had to be dispersed and within that large number of people there were a number of people that got into altercations."

Police said local officers were confronted with "very intoxicated, brawling patrons" with additional police called in from neighbouring commands, PolAir, the dog squad and the public order and riot squad.

Two security guards were taken to hospital for treatment after one was glassed in the brawl.



Dude, why is it all the cool shit happens Down Under?

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December 05, 2008

Today's Musical Interlude Of Awesomeness!!!11!11!!1! And WIN!!!!111!!1 All Rolled Into One

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Maybe It's A Good Thing My Right Hand Was Hurt!

Especially after what happened to this fellow in Germany.

Apparently “plump boobs and hot thighs” were too much for the 54-year-old pornography customer’s heart, who died while watching porn in one of the video-booths at the sex-shop on Bischofsplatz, the paper said.

A staff member became suspicious when there was no sign of movement in the cabin long after the man’s time was up. She reportedly knocked on the door and unlocked the booth from the outside and was shocked to find the “porn fan” dead in the chair, the paper reported.

A call to emergency services came too late to help the man. Though authorities suspect he died of a heart attack, the doctor on the scene could not determine the cause of death at the time, and the corpse was handed over to police.

“Investigations so far have not brought up any evidence that a third party might have been involved,” police spokesperson Christian Gräßler told the paper.

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December 04, 2008

Some People Need To Brush Up On Their Hobo Handling Skills

Especially this lady.

Investigators say Janice Benton, 47, invited the man to stay at her Silver Springs house after learning he was homeless and had recently been released from prison. > >

Wednesday morning, the two went to a bar -- the Back 40 Lounge -- to have some drinks.  The victim became upset when Benton began talking with other male friends, detectives say.   > >

A verbal argument followed, and Benton left the bar without the victim.  He later showed up at her home, where the two continued to argue and the victim allegedly taunted Benton. > >

At that time, deputies believe, Benton grabbed a gun from her bedroom and fired one shot at the victim, hitting him in the head.

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