November 30, 2008

Hey Doom And Gloomers! How Did Those Black Friday Numbers Fare?

Up from last year.

But, leave it to The Deciders to put a negative spin on the numbers:

But the sales boost during the post-Thanksgiving shopathon came at the expense of profits as the nation's retailers had to slash prices to attract the crowds in a season that is expected to be the weakest in decades.

Of course, come November, 2009, we will hear nothing but trumpets and fanfare.

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November 23, 2008

Great stocking stuffers for people you hate

All I want for Christmas this year is anything but these.

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November 20, 2008

Why I'm glad I got my SmarTrip card last week

Because if I had waited until January, it would have looked like this:

Part of me wanted to get this one to add to the collection I started when they issued similar cards for President Bush in 2000 and 2004, but then I realized they only did this for Obama. 

Your tax dollars at work.

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NYPD+O-Bots=Skull Cracking Goodness!

Nice to see New York is still New York in some aspects.

Cell phone video showing NYPD cops - wearing riot gear - screaming at and swatting revelers in Brooklyn following Barack Obama's election win circulated on the Internet Wednesday.

An anonymous person recorded the Nov. 5 confrontation on Bedford Ave. and N. 7th St. in Williamsburg as celebrations erupted after Obama gave his victory speech.

"Get that f---ing phone outta my face," screamed the cop, seconds before lunging at a person.

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"The science is beyond dispute"

I'm disappointed that he didn't mention the pollution-eating-unicorn farms.  And flying cars.  Flying cars that run on Hope.

I find your laundry list of promises sadly lacking, <Keith Olbermann Voice> Mister Obama </KOV>.  GOOD NIGHT AND GOOD LUCK.

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November 14, 2008

Unintended consequences

Are you a liberal Californian?  If you answered yes to that question, what the hell are you doing here?  You must have taken a wrong turn at the Daily Kos.  But I digress.  You're probably ecstatic about Obama's victory and pissed about the passage of Prop. 8, right?  Well, I've got some bad news for you...

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November 12, 2008

Shepard Smith In Action

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November 11, 2008

We Are Living In The Age of Obamius, The Age of Obamius

And for that reason, it is now sanctioned to celebrate patriotic holidays at Google again.

The first of his many miracles! 

Hey, Fresh Prez, I have a request (and I know you can hear me because you are everywhere at all times):  Can you turn Lake Michigan into wine? 

I figure drunk is a good way to pass the next four years.

P.S.: Fuck Google in the ass.  With a rusty chainsaw.  Covered in herpes-infected blood.  And donate their assets to the aid of foreign dissidents and their families after Google ratted them out to evil dictatorships like China.

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November 10, 2008

Obama's Fault: Yes We Shall Edition

Because in the long, improbably story that is America, there has never been anything unnatural about earthquakes.*

You may now assume that many of the apocolyptic events attributable to the Rise of The Fresh Prez have to deal with his diabolical weather machine.

So, without further ado:

  • This was mentioned before but it needs to be stressed: We, the Moron are first against The Fascist Prez's wall.  Attack us, you monster.  Not innocent vodka!  It never had a chance!
  • I'm not sure why Bush gave Obama the security codes to the Weather KKKontroller before he was even sworn in but it seems he's very eager to loose havoc and destruction upon the world.  Apparently, he felt content to leave the setting on 'brown.'
  • If the One loves us all with his divine light (and I know he does), why does he let bad things happen to good (black) people?  Racist.
  • As predicted in the Prophecies, cats and dogs are living togetherMass Hysteria.  I've heard a giant, walking marshmallow is the seventh seal.  Protect us, oh Chaplain of the Change.  Oh, Herald of the Hope.  Oh, Captain of the Bullshit.
  • Also, it appears that bullies enjoy causing pain.  No doubt all part of the genetic modifications necessary for his coming genetic super-changers.


* Is it just me or do you just want to beat Olivia Munn's brakes off?

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November 09, 2008

Folks, Just Remember: Running And Rabid Animals Is A Dangerous Mix!

Look, I love running. Up until old age, fatness, arthritis, joint pain, injuries, and more fatness caught up with me, I loved running. But I always made sure rabid animals were nowhere around when I ran.

But, I guess some people are more daring than I ever was. Especially this lady.

She said she grabbed the fox by the neck when it went for her leg but it bit her arm.

The woman wanted the animal tested for rabies so she ran a mile to her car with the fox still biting her arm, then pried it off and tossed it in her trunk and drove to the Prescott hospital.

The sheriff's office says the fox later bit an animal control officer. He and the woman are both receiving rabies vaccinations.

Dude, that's hardcore. And all I ever worried about was having to take a leak on the trails.

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November 07, 2008

DJ Gaffey Joe and the Fresh Prez of Bill Ayers

Featuring such hits as:

  1. "Nightmare on Wall Street"
  2. "Here We Go Again (Carter Remix)"
  3. "Brand New Funk" (Economic)
  4. "Time to Chill" (on all that War on Terror Jazz)
  5. "Charlie Rangel"
  6. "Yes We Can"
  7. "Palins Just Don't Understand"
  8. "Pump Up the Capital Gains Taxes"
  9. "Let's Get Busy Baby (Redistributing the Wealth)"
  10. "Another Special Announcement"
  11. "Live at Red Square"
  12. "D.J. on the (Japanese) Wheels"
  13. "My Buddy (The Terrorist)"
And much, much more!

Please send check or money order for 35% of your income to Slublog.

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November 06, 2008

Brady Quinn Starts Tonight For The Cleveland Browns

And here are some of his highlights

Courtesy this site.

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Obama's Fault: Another Great Day on Wall Street

Well, unless you listen to Chairman Mao's rather interesting take on today's trading:

After sliding to new session lows, the major stock indexes staged a comeback late Thursday.

At 2:46 p.m. EST, the NYSE composite was down 4.1%, up from 5.9% lower at the worst levels of the session. The S&P 500 was off 3.5%, the Dow 3.3%, the Nasdaq 2.7%.

Does anyone recall something this positive being said about a 5% drop before now?  Almost like people want it to be clear that Obama's election isn't causing a massive selloff (which it is).  Imagine how bad it will be when he actually gets to start making policy!

Other things that are Obama's fault today:

  • Gay marriage banned in California.  He is against gay marriage and his opinion carried in the massively blue state.  Looks like more incentive to be a Log Cabin Republican.
  • Looks like Obama's calls for attacking Pakistan have found resonance with some his most ardent supporters;  Suicide Bombers.
  • Beyond putting missiles near Poland, looks like Tzar Putin wants the title back.  Of course, Obama will rebuke them with a strongly worded letter and a hand job as only the Fresh Prez of Bill Ayers can do.  No word on shipments of Unicorns headed for Siberia.
  • Obama still hasn't commented on the eight corpses his negligence and disinterest caused.   He just doesn't care about Phillipino people.

Thanks Obama!  Maybe we can get that DOW down to 6,000 before you're inaugerated!  That way all the growth will seem like it is your doing instead of representing a recovery from the anticipation of your disasterous economic policies.

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November 05, 2008

Things That Are Obama's Fault

The stock markets are all down 5+% (DOW -495) today.  Way to go Fresh Prez, keeping our economy funky fresh and chilled out max.

I'd give you a link suggesting Obama's election contributed to the fall but, and I'm not kidding, there aren't any.

Thanks MSM, way to keep it funky fresh and chilled out max.

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Obama's Fault: Fresh President of Bill Ayers Edition

In the interest of being patriotic, I intend to dissent very vocally for the next four years.  The problem is, I've really never had to dissent in my adult life so I may not be very good at it.

Thankfully, the left has consistently demonstrated the correct way to dissent against a sitting President for the past eight years. 

Here is what I've observed:

  • Everything bad that happens, no matter how absurd, is the President's fault directly and entirely.  You'd think this would be limited to things that happened during the President's term but you'd be wrong.  Even things that were started or caused in previous administrations are still the current president's fault.
  • Never, ever, ever call the President by his name and honorific.  It is imperative to continuously use cutesy/retarded nick-names that are generally vulgar, make absurd comparisons and insult the genetic stock and intelligence of the President. 
  • Everything you yell in public is better if it rhymes. 
  • Burning/hanging/stomping effigies and puppets representing the President is not only acceptible but encouraged. 
  • It is crucial that you not only make it clear that the President's policies are anathema to you but that the cause of his policies is pure, satanic evil and hatred for mankind.  Accuse him with hate of doing things that you support, like calling Bush a baby-killer when you support abortion.
  • Reflexively oppose any policy proposed by the President even when it is exactly the policy you supported before he proposed it. 
  • Assume shenanigans on the part of the President's lackeys and vow to use these tactics while simultaneously deriding them as beyond the pale. 
  • It is imperative to possess no sense of irony, hypocricy or humor.

In order to further this behavior, I will provide you a regular update of the things that are Obama's fault at that time.  The following things are currently Obama's fault and he should be ashamed.  Ashamed.

  • Iran's pursuit and probably aquisition of nuclear weapons.
  • Crying Babies
  • The Subprime Mortgage fiasco and subsequent financial disaster*.
  • Eggs sticking to Teflon.
  • Teen Suicide
  • Cancer
  • Global Warmening
  • World Series Games being rained out.

You get the idea.  Stay tuned!  This ought to be fun.

P.S. - Long, personal note and explanation in the extended entry.  Please read before any complaints or judgement of my Obama Derangement Syndrome.

* - Items so marked denote that these things may actually be Obama's fault.



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I'd be a very rich man tomorrow...

...if only I'd held on to those shares of Val-U-Rite Industries.  Sigh.  Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to get very, very drunk.

(I mean, more so than usual.)

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Tonight, it's either this

or this

Take your pick.

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