September 06, 2009

This is so profoundly disturbing that even I had doubts about posting it

Topless Robot apparently has a contest called Fan Fiction Friday and the winner this week is Merry, Pippin and Treebeard in "By Root and Twig"

A sample of this literary masterpiece (Not Safe for Work, Home, or Keeping Down Dinner, NSFWHKDD)

"Ah, and what's this then?" purred dreamy Merry, wrapping a small hand around a curly green bud emerging from the heroic bole. Treebeard made a grumbling sound that Merry took to mean a yes.

And thus, Treebeard's tree-penis has appeared. Oh, by the way, if you imagine John Rhys-Davies doing Treebeard's voice, this whole thing is extra horrible.
Pippin, meanwhile, had climbed up to what resembled the Ent's shoulder and was nuzzling under the twiggy beard, stroking bark and whispering something. When Merry's ministrations below made the new budded branch grow and shiver, Pippin started to cheer something encouraging, and brought himself up short in a squeak.

One of Treebeard's smaller branches had reached over and wrapped around him. As Pippin clenched a hand in the twigs so as not to fall he felt a smooth and snaky branch carefully stroking his neck, his back, slowly, slowly, around his arse and down between his thighs. "Oh...yes, yes,"

"I am not hurting you, little thing?" asked Treebeard.

"Gods of my ancestors, no....oh! OH!" Pippin cried as the branch tightened in a sensitive spot, gripping and probing at once with many sentient twigs.
This is the Ent version of a reacharound.
The owner of Topless Robot apparently has more fortitude that I; it appears the he managed to finish the story. I had to stop after the first mention of a growing sapling because I was both gagging and laughing so hard I thought I was going to pass out. I just continued reading the poster's interpretations of the Hobbit on Hobbit on Tree action and I was still laughing so hard that I think I woke my neighbors. Let me conclude that I fully align myself with Topless Robot's closing paragraph:

I don't know why Merry is taller, and I don't want to know. I do know that I'm officially on Saruman's side -- he can kill all the goddamn Hobbits and Ents he wants. God only knows what horrors he's seen occur in Middle-Earth with his palantir.
I just thank God this wasn't a manga contest.

Posted by: chad98036 at 02:03 AM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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