August 21, 2008
Frequent commenter (and thigh-high boot enthusiast) alexthechick asks: Okay - Here's an Ask A Moron - Zombie Edition question: Let's say that theoretically I have a choice of wearing the thigh high spike heel leather boots or the nice perfectly broken in Nike crosstrainers when fleeing the zombies. Which is a better choice? Please discuss both the fast and slow zombie variants. Also feel free to include which are more likely to result in my having assistance in fleeing said zombies.
Considering the recent trend toward the apocalypse, these zombie questions could not be more timely. Though I've given many thousands of words to zombie strategy and tactics, I must admit I have given short shrift to the topic of women's footwear. For that I offer my deepest and most sincere apology.
Tactically, it is clear that flexible, comfortable clothes combined with comfortable running shoes would give a great advantage in acceleration and maneuverability in either slow zombie or fast zombie scenarios. It would probably be more important with fast zombies as the slow (stealth zombies) are more dangerous from surprise than in a foot race. Of course, this isn't really the important part.
The question of footwear brings us into the deeper topic of what is the best attire for surviving a zombie apocalypse. My painstaking research yields just one result. The sexier you dress, the more likely you are to survive (thank god). Take, for example, Jill Valentine from Resident Evil: Apocalypse:
Yowza! As you can see she is not wearing what one would describe as survivalist gear and her footwear leaves something to be desired in the practical department. Of course, in every other department there's little room for improvement. Again, yowza.
While more flatfooted, her partner in crime's wardrobe would be listed in the sexy rather than comfortable category.
Now, if you've spent any time with the Resident Evil movies, you'll note that both of these characters survived the zombie invasion with the added benefit of looking fabulous! While you'd think that high heels and platform boots would create difficult in maneuvering, it seems spinning double backflips while shooting automatic weapons was a trivial endeavor for these ladies. Also, whenever the situation got a little out of hand, muscular men with 5-O'Clock shadow would come out of the woodwork to sacrifice themselves for the greater good. Yes, hot chicks are for the greater good.
Think about it this way. Even if humanity does survive the zombie apocalypse, there will very few of us left and conscientious men give great thought to rebuilding civilization in these times. Now, who are you going to save? The frumpy chick in the sweat pants and ratty chucks or the stunning supermodel in the platform boots and a mini skirt? I think we all know the answer. I definitely could take one for the team by repopulating the human species with Jill Valentine. Just saying.
So alex, your mission is clear. Set aside a pleather bondage outfit with spiked thighhighs, two thigh-holsters and enough cleavage to smother Hugh Heffner and keep it ready for the day hell gets full. You'll be glad you did and so will all of us.
Regular Commenter (and buttplug expert) Alice H. asks: Is Zombie Reagan valid armament?
Unfortunately for humanity, my research indicates that Zombie Reagan will actually be the leader of the zombie invasion. All we get is Zombie Tip O'Neill.
Bar Slave (and master of disappearance) Old Iron asks: Could you possibly use glass jars full of brains as a type of distraction tactic if you get swarmed to allow you to get either to safety or a better firing position? I have no idea how you would get the raw material (a morgue, perhaps?) but I thought it could be an idea...
Of course not and I'll explain why. The zombie's desire for brains is not based on the physical qualities of the brain. If that were the case, you'd witness zombies eating each other's brains or the brains of corpses instead of hunting the living. No, the actual need served by brains is to feed on the pain and vitality of the living. A far better tactic would be to catapult orphan children as a distraction method. Orphan children are jam packed with pain and vitality.
In order to keep Ask A Moron a regular feature I need questions from you, my readers. Please put your questions, any question at all, in the comments or e-mail them to me at chaos -dot- overlord -at- gmail -dot- com.
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