June 05, 2008

Ask a Moron: Zombie Invasion - Exodus



It has been several weeks since Ash saw the unfortunate gentleman in the parking lot partially devoured. Later that day, he joined his consumers in meanderingly mindless in search of food. Unfortunately for Ash and his friends, they aren't the only ones looking for food. A quick tally of the remaining rations reveals only a week is left before starvation begins. It's time to get the fuck out of dodge.

I Have a Clever Plan


In the initial hours of the invasion, Ash contacted all local friends and family and arranged an escape plan should one become necessary. While hope for an outside solution to the problem remains, the current food shortage necessitates action. These original plans will need to be put in motion.

Before leaving town, there are three locations from which Ash must rescue people dear to him. Two are private residences and one is an apartment complex. He is to extricate five individuals from these locations; his parents and three friends. Of course, before he can do any of that the survivors have to get to their cars.

Getting to the Car (Choppa)

Get To Da Choppa!

In the parking lot there are five cars belonging to Ash's party of survivors. You may recall that two of the vehicles arrived later when Ash's friends fled dangerous locations and joined the party. The primary problem with getting to the cars is that there are two dozen hungry undead looking for a snack. Three of the cars are parked on the near side of the parking lot but two cars are parked more distantly. It is decided that it is critical to take as much transportation as possible so they're going to have to find a way to get drivers into each of the cars and started before any zombie violence befalls them. The group is broken up into teams and each are instructed as to which vehicle to head toward. Now all they need to do is get rid of these zombies.

Being that these are ninja zombies (not swarming zombies) it is possible to pick one off at a time and any zombie that doesn't detect you with their own senses is unlikely to pursue or attack. The plan is for the teams bring the shotgun to the controlled access doors downstairs while Ash shoots from the balcony with his pistol. From here he will pick off as many zombies as he can while (hopefully) remaining out of reach. This should draw the zombies toward him. It is clear that eventually the zombies will break through the sliding glass doors into the downstairs apartments and make an attempt to bypass the shoddy defenses. From his location on the balcony, Ash can see and keep clear the main front door so long as zombies haven't figured out how to climb brick walls.

As the zombies that get by him move into the downstairs apartments the parking lot should clear out. As soon as Ash yells go or a zombie breaks into the downstairs hallway it is time for the gangs to move out.

All of the survivors quietly move to the downstairs area carrying as much food and equipment as they can, securing themselves between the outside door and the locked inner security door. They nervously watch the blockaded doors for movement as they hear Ash start shooting. Above, Ash has started to fire carefully aimed shots at the heads of the zombies. While he isn't the best shot, he benefits(?) from his targets shambling toward him after the initial miss. Within minutes he has cleared half of the visible undead from the parking lot and they aren't being replaced by reinforcements. He can't find many more in range until he hears an angry, hungry screech from below his feet. Looking through the cracks in the balcony he can see that one had been under him the whole time. Shortly thereafter he hears the sound of shattering glass as the zombie moves into the lower unit.

The shotgun wielding 'leader' of the lower survivors knows his first responsibility after leaving the room is to check both sides of the door to make sure no sneaky little ninja fucker had stealthed away out of their line of sight. Then he is to provide protection as the first three groups move to the near cars. Once they are in those cars, he will escort the other two groups (one of which he is a member) to their more distant vehicles. All this time, Ash is providing as much cover and scouting as possible. All he has to do now is wait for the command.

Ash sees the lot to be clear of any targets and hears his new downstairs neighbor viciously attempting to break through the blockade with some success. He decides it is time to give the command. The shout is heard below and they begin to move. From his vantage point he can see the shotgun swing left, fire twice then swing back to the right. He looks up with a nod as the rest of them begin moving across the parking lot. Within moments the first three cars are loaded and started. The rest begin moving the thirty yards to the other cars. Ash stays vigilant for any movement but the rest of it goes off without a hitch. The cars line up into a caravan in the middle of the parking lot and Ash jumps down from the balcony, immediately turning to see if his company has decided to come back out and play. He then charges to the nearest car and piles in. Roll out!

Mean Streets


The first house is less than three miles away but in that distance much is learned about the new world. Burned out car wrecks litter the highway and many apartment buildings and houses have been totally destroyed. Much time is spent weaving through obstacle courses of debris with maximum attention paid to keeping momentum and maximizing distance from possible zombie hiding spots. Rolling through town only a few zombies are seen and those slow monstrosities rarely attempt pursuit of the fast moving vehicles.

They slow down when they arrive at the house, pulling their cars into a semi-circle in the front yard. One car takes shelter within this wagon circle in order to collect the refugees. Ash and Shotgun get out of the car and provide cover as the horn is honked. It doesn't seem that anyone is home but sure enough, two people come out a moment later. Ash points the gun at his parents and instructs them to get into the trunk of the car. He doesn't have time to explain his reasoning because the new neighbors are getting restless. They do as they are told and the caravan moves out with new cargo.

It may seem cruel but in this situation it is necessary to preserve the safety of the group and there was no time for a full, nude search out in the open. They couldn't bypass this crucial security measure so they had to maintain a physical separation from the new survivors. This combined with the pressing time element made it necessary to find a place to put them in the rather isolated trunk. Shotgun still sits in the back at the ready if anything bad happens.

They continue to the second house and a similar process comes off without a hitch. Unfortunately, the apartment complex they are to visit has been burned to the ground and only small hope remains that they escaped and await them at the rendezvous spot.

Getting out of Dodge


The caravan now makes its way to the nearest state highway as quickly as possible and heads West. The previously agreed upon rendezvous point is a commonly known, large parking lot about six hours away. This location is in the middle of nowhere, provides great lines of sight and has enough room for dozens of cars to park without nearing any cover that ninja zombies may use to sneak up on their prey.

For now, Ash sleeps as the devestated world rolls by.

(to be continued...)

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