June 09, 2008

Ask a Moron: Moron's Best Friend

Stash asks - What are the best and worst pets for a moron?

I'm glad you asked, Moron!

Cat - Not for Morons

I know S. Weasel is going probably going to punish me for this with a week-long Testicle-Fest but everyone knows cats are for old ladies, not Morons.

While the ability to take care of themselves melds nicely with the Moron Lifestyle™(It involves a lot of puking and waking up naked on the kitchen floor), I can't support a pet that shits in a box and is dumbfounded by shaking string.

Dog - Moron Approved

Man's best friend is a good friend to Morons. Whether it be providing hours of entertainment by chasing their tails, running full tilt into a mirrored wall, getting drunk from the beer we poured into their food bowl, or eagerly eating their own vomit, dogs are not only good pets for Morons but meet all of the basic criteria for being morons.

Donkey - Not for Morons

For the sake of the children, I must veto Morons owning donkeys in order to prevent "shows." This is not Tihuana. 'Nuff said.

Cobra - Not for Morons

While you may feel cool being the only guy on your block with a viscious killing machine for a pet, three bottles of Flavorite Vodka and you know you'll be trying to make out with it. This is, to say the least, not recommended.

Monkey - Moron Approved BEST IN SHOW

What isn't awesome about having a monkey for a pet? With a little training you can not only get it to bring you beer but you can have drinking competitions with it, teach it to ride a bike, and have poo throwing contests! Don't believe me? Check this shit out.

That's right. That's a fucking monkey riding a fucking dog. I've seen it in person and I can't even begin to describe the overwhelming glee that sight provides.

Monkeys: A Moron's Best Friend

Bathtub Full of Angry, Mutant, Psionic Armored Leeches - Not For Morons

Look, I think the mad scientist that created these things needs to die in a fire. Who the fuck thought creating six-food, armor-plated leeches was a good idea? Giving them mental powers? That's just not right.

In order to keep Ask A Moron a regular feature I need questions from you, my readers. Please put your questions, any question at all, in the comments or e-mail them to me at chaos -dot- overlord -at - gmail -dot- com.

 

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