July 15, 2008

Ask a Moron: Hello Wisconsin

Alice H. asks - What the fuck is wrong with you Wisconsin people?

While I am not a native, I have lived in Wisconsin long enough to become very familiar with the people of this fine state.  While, for the most part I love my fellow Wisconsinites, as an outsider and constant traveller I have the  ability to see all of their quirks and faults. 

Before I begin bashing the people here, I'll say that they are generally good and decent people and nowhere in the union is better.

But, there is a truth about the state of Wisconsin (and to some extent, all of the northern Midwest) that could be used to explain many of the problems you see below:

Wisconsin is so fucking boring it will eventually crush your soul.

During the summer months, the outside temperatures rise into the high 80's and 90's with relative humidities in the 90%+ range. During these months, the heat-tolerant (I am not one, alas) can enjoy hiking, camping, some mild boating, riding ATV's and similar activities. Of course, the best places to do all these things are several hours away from where anyone actually, you know, lives. Still, it is fun and if you don't mind hundreds of thousands of Illini milling around your lakes, you'll have much to do all the warm months of the year.

There's just one problem. You get two. Maybe three in spectacular year. Using this year as an example, after 110" of snow and 6 month under freezing, it finally warmed in late May just in time to dump so much rain on us that people are still pumping out their basements. By the end of August it will be dipping rapidly into what many would call 'cold' temperatures and the sky will turn grey somewhere in early September, not to be blue again until June.

Anyway, I'm trying to say that for 70% of the year, most Wisconsin residents have little incentive to go outside. Sure, there's ice fishing(drunk) and snowmobiling (drunk) and jumping into frozen lakes (very, very, very drunk) but the vast majority of people pretty much stay inside for most of this time. Unfortunately we don't hybernate so this causes three very noticable side effects. People get fat, people get bored and ultimately people get drunk. These effects, notably the third, are much to blame for nearly everything that is wrong with Wisconsin and its residents.

Drinking

We here in Wisconsin drink a lot. In fact, we drink the most of any state in the union. My home town (basically) of Kenosha had over 400 bars and was only about 70,000 people when I moved there. At the time, it ranked first in the nation in bars per capita. Not only do we have lots of places to drink, these places are cheap dive bars where a giant pitcher of beer (I'm talking big) is maybe 6 bucks.

In my prime (nadir?) I would routinely polish off two pitchers in a night and wouldn't be drinking nearly as much as some of the people in the bar. Now, it wouldn't probably be so bad to have nearly half the state totally shit-faced on any given night if there were any notable public transportation or you could reasonably expect people to walk further than half a mile.

Unfortunately, we've got shit for busing and trains (in general) and the suburban nature of the region ensures that there are thousands of drunks driving pretty much any night of the week.

This leads me to the next problem...

Worst Drivers on Earth

I've already attacked this issue at length so I won't repeat myself too much. In their defense, it seems that the reponse to the drunk driving pandemic is to very, very aggressively police the state's highways and county roads. Attempting to randomly pull over as many people as possible in order to catch drunk drivers creates an aura of fear and most Wisconsines have been trained to drive like stoned grandmas on Sunday. As a person that wishes to reach my location faster than I could walk there, this irritates the fuck out of me.

Also, their inability to merge onto the freeway at highway speeds reminds me daily why God has seen fit to prevent me massive telekenetic powers. The death toll would shudder the soul.

Now onto some of the other amazingly odd things drinking causes people to do in Wisconsin

Serial Killing

Two of the most famous serial killers of all time were from Wisconsin. Ed Gein (the inspiration for nearly every slasher flick ever made) and Jeffrey Dahmer both lived in Wisconsin.

Have Sex With Corpses

Apparently Dahmer wasn't the only one with a 'taste' for corpses. Of course, more disturbing than people eating or even having sex with corpses is that it took the state judiciary all the way to the Surpreme Court to decide that maybe, just maybe, fucking dead bodies is illegal. I blame the state's "progressive" tendencies which I put in quotes because it's more a mild form of schizophrenia than a political philosophy.

Best part?

The decision reached by the justices via a vote of 5-2 reverses the ruling of appellate and lower courts dismissing the sexual assault charges on three men who tried but failed to commit necrophilia in 2006.

I wonder if they were intimidated?

Shoot Family Members With Stolen Police Tasers

If I had to sum up the level of boredom in Wisconsin and the effect alcohol has on it, this would be it. A drunk (I'm assuming) idiot steals a police taser and proceeds to film himself shooting his son with it. It would take me far outside the scope of this post to go through all of the personal anectodes I have about Wisconsinites but suffice it to say that they involved way less injuries than were deserved.

Buy Into Really Stupid Get Rich Quick Schemes

Not sure what else to say about this one.

The owners turned the rat over to their insurance company. Investigators there determined the rodent was a white laboratory rat, the complaint said.

Tests also suggested the rodent had been cooked in a microwave, but the restaurant doesn't use microwaves in cooking.

Speaking of Progressives

McCain's buddy Russ "Biggest Douchebag in the Senate" Feingold is from this state. I worked on a campaign to unseat him but to know avail. Even more than I hate his politics (which is a lot) I hate that he's a self-important prig. Other shitty politicians include our Governor, a state senate that voted for conceal carry with enough votes to override but was overturned by a sponsor of the bill switching sides and a several of our state-level officials getting caught drunk driving.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Almost the entire city of Kenosha's government is under investigation for bribery and money laundering in order to get a casino built. Classy.

In order to keep Ask a Moron a regular feature, I need questions from you, the readers.  Please put your questions, any question at all, in teh comments or e-mail them to me at chaos -dot - overlord -at- gmail -dot- com.

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